markforstrom.com

My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Page 6 of 17

“Emotionless gratitude” is an oxymoron

Cindy and I visited a church this past Sunday that I just have to blog about.

Now that I’m no longer working on Sundays, we’ve been free to experience a variety of eastern Iowa churches over the past 8 months.  We have loved seeing the vast array of Christian expressions among these faith communities–different styles of worship styles, outreach passions, ministry strengths,  and various ways of connecting people to God.

Sunday brought us to a predominantly African American church–we were two of only five Caucasians present.  We had been hoping for a unique cultural experience and it did not disappoint!

During the 2 1/4 hour service we enjoyed the passionate, biblically-sound preaching, the friendliness of the congregation (hugs included), communion, and the exuberant music.  But the thing that struck me most was the overwhelming sense of elation that permeated the room during worship.  These people were deeply grateful for God’s blessings in their lives to the point of being literally overcome with joy.  At times, some danced, some shouted, and some praised God very LOUDLY, without any pretense or self-consciousness.  At one point an older lady even did what I would describe as “one person conga line” around the sanctuary!  She simply couldn’t help but be so animated at the goodness of the Lord!

My mind raced back to Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes commercials I had seen as a kid, where the TV “Prize Patrol” would arrive at the doorsteps of unsuspecting residents to announce that they had just won a million dollars.  It was always fun to watch the family go bananas over this totally unexpected news: jumping, screaming, speechlessness, dancing, laughing, falling to their knees, etc.  Just like the people in church on Sunday.  Outlandish.  Over-the-top.  Undignified even.

Observing all of this, it occurred to me that those of us who are more reserved in our worship are actually the ones who are deficient.  What if the “Prize Patrol” came to the door and the family responded with a yawn?  It could only mean that either (1) they didn’t understand the magnitude of the gift or (2) that they didn’t believe it was really a free gift intended for them.  Because if they had any understanding at all of how this million dollar gift would transform everything about their lives, their response would have been anything but emotionless!

Seeing these exuberant worshippers on Sunday reminded me of one of the best youth group lessons I ever gave — over eleven years ago.  On that day, I called up one of the kids and proceeded to give her thousands of dollars in front of the group.  The story is worth reading.  The point of my lesson was that the magnitude of God’s personal blessings to us makes us trillionaires.  And undeserving, newly-made trillionaires should respond with nothing less than outlandish gratefulness.

Something’s wrong with me when my gratitude to God is emotionless.  And I’m thankful for how those worshippers on Sunday modeled to me something I need to work on!

Influence Optimizer #5: Emancipate Strategically

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the previous four posts–and this one–I  elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust. 

4. Verbalize values.

 

5. Emancipate strategically.

At first glance, the thought of “kicking the kids out of the home” might seem antithetical to parents having a positive influence on them, but I contend that this is one of the most important components of influence.

When we strategically parent our kids with their eventual independence as our goal they will be much better equipped to manage their own lives wisely.  That, after all, is the goal of our influence.  As I say quite often, our aim should be to raise adults, not kids.  And let’s aim for well-prepared adults!

Much of what I blog about relates to this, so I’ll let those posts speak for themselves.

Strategically emancipating our kids can involve the following:

  • Decreasing parental control
  • Giving kids increasing levels of responsibility as they age, including chores, and managing their own homework, diet, and sleep
  • Teaching them to manage their own money by giving them hefty allowances
  • Making them purchase their own car
  • Making them clean up their own messes
  • Trusting their ability to  solve their own problems
  • Allowing them to fail (actually loving it when they fail!) so they learn from their failures
  • Teaching them life skills so they can thrive without us
  • Working ourselves out of a job, accepting empty nester-hood

Thank for reading these five posts on Optimizing our Influence.  I hope you found some of the concepts helpful.

 

 

Influence Optimizer #4: Verbalize Values

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the past three posts, this post, and the following post I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust..

 

4. Verbalize values.

Many things are more caught than taught, but some things simply need to be taught.

Scripture gives the Israelites this instruction: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise…You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7 & 9; emphasis mine).

It is clear that God expects us to proactively provide spiritual nurturing and instruction to our children; it’s our duty as parents to pass on to our children a legacy of faith.  Transferring our faith to the next generation involves living it authentically before them (as mentioned in the first post of this series) as well as instructing them accurately.

This spiritual instruction includes not only telling them what we believe but–in light of today’s accessibility to alternate worldviews–it’s equally important to explain why we believe as we do and why we reject other views.  We must show that our faith holds up to scrutiny when compared to other belief systems; therefore, we can’t afford to espouse a blind faith that comes across as having our heads in the sand!

It warmed my heart this week to get an email from a college freshman, who had been wrestling with how to explain the Trinity to a Muslim classmate.  She ended up turning to her dad for advice on how to communicate this complex subject to her questioning friend.  His perspective on the topic was exactly what she needed.  That’s what this post is talking about!

Parents who don’t feel confident answering tough questions about spirituality have many great resources available to help supplement their spiritual instruction.  The church can certainly help with this, as can worldview training organizations, such as Summit.org.

Besides theological instruction, parents also need to thoroughly teach our kids about the culture in which we live.  This is a world that bombards our kids with a million false ideas, distorted perspectives, and flat-out lies.  Incessantly.  Aggressively.  Relentlessly.

As parents, we must take care to verbalize our beliefs and views on all sorts of topics.  If we don’t provide a running commentary on what our kids are seeing, hearing, learning, and reading our silence effectively hands over the microphone to our culture.

C.S. Lewis is quoted as saying, “The most dangerous ideas in a society are not the ones being argued, but the ones that are assumed.”  This is so true.  We need to start calling out the sins that the world normalizes rather than let these views slip by without questioning them.  

Fortunately, our culture doesn’t hide its views, giving us plenty of faulty assumptions to talk to our kids about!  If you wonder where to look, you can start with the 6 o’clock news, or Superbowl commercials, or game shows, or video games, or blockbuster movies.  All of them provide volumes of values to talk about.  Every day our kids are being taught specific views about politics, morality, definitions of family, human dignity, justice, success, suffering, etc.  Don’t you want to weigh in on those topics?  Then talk about them!  Kids can’t consider our point of view on things if we don’t discuss them.  (As a bonus, by viewing our culture mindfully, we may discover how some of our culture’s assumptions have subtly tainted our own thinking!)

But we can’t just be “reactive” to our culture.  In some cases, we need to get in the “first word” so the world’s distorted views are seen in proper context from the get-go.  For example, it was important to me to be that I be the one to inform our daughters about human sexuality and reproduction–in the context of these subjects being beautiful designs of God which are to be enjoyed only within marriage.  I didn’t want their first awareness of these important topics to come from the mouth of a “values-free” 5th-grade health teacher.

To be sure, some conversations will come earlier than we would have wished, and some will be admittedly awkward.  Let that not be an excuse for you to abdicate your parental responsibility of truth-telling.

Finally, it must be said that as much as we may wish to determine our kids’ values this is beyond our control.  Our goal is influence, not coercion. Ultimately, our kids will need to decide for themselves what they will believe about God, themselves, and the world they live in.  Our parental job is to expose them to truth, teach them what we have come to believe and why, etc, but we’ll be wise not to try to force them to believe any of it.  Faith must be chosen, just as love must.  We must be careful to avoid pressure or manipulation.  To prevent this, let’s allow them space to grapple with truth, wrestle with doubts, and ask us hard questions whenever they want.

Here’s an account of a values-laden conversation I had with my daughters ten years ago.  It gives some examples of how I used the current culture to discuss truth with them.

Hopefully, this post has encouraged you to have serious conversations with your kids about the things that really matter.  If you don’t, someone else will!

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the final Influence Optimizer!

Influence Optimizer #3: Cultivate Trust

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the past two posts, this post, and the following two posts I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust.

Picture two little boys at the doctor’s office getting their shots, not understanding why their parents would allow the nurse to inflict such pain.   Boy #1 sees himself as a victim; his parents have betrayed him and he acts out in rage against them, madder than a hornet!   Boy #2 sees things differently.  He is confused about why his parents have allowed him to experience such pain, but he has learned that they care for him deeply and would want only the very best for him.  He knows that they would never willfully harm him.  He is sad, but not mad.

Trust makes all the difference.

Convincing our kids that we are for them and not against them helps us influence them positively.  The old adage is universally true: “Until they know that you care they won’t care what you know.”  Whatever wisdom we may wish to impart will likely be rejected if they see themselves as victims.  They must feel safe and secure with us.

You may be realizing that today’s post is essentially the inverse of yesterday’s.

  • Yesterday I mentioned several things not to do [which build relational walls], creating feelings of victimization.
  • Today let’s look at several things we can do [which build relational bridges], cultivating trust.

Love.  Convince them that you love them, truly love them.  It may help to figure out what their primary love languages are.  It’s easy to think we’re delivering a hefty dose of love, but it may be on our terms and sometimes we may miss it completely.   If we give them Gifts when their love language is Time they may come away feeling unloved and abandoned.  Or if we give them Acts of Service when their love language is Words of Affirmation we may have left them feeling unloved and unrecognized.  Smothering a child with hugs who doesn’t have the love language of Touch may make them feel you’ve violated their personal space.  As I like to say, “Be a student of your student” and find out what makes them feel love from you.

Safety.  Make them feel safe and secure around you, and convince them that your goal is their well being.  Be careful about sarcasm, silly labels, nicknames, and joking around as these may affect their developing self-concept.  Be their protector and provider.  Be consistent.

Empathy.  When they hurt we should hurt with them.  This may sometimes require us to set aside our adult perspective and enter the world of our children in order to feel their pain.  We may even have to suspend our rational judgments for the greater good of connecting to their hearts.  Instead of “I told you that if you didn’t feed that guinea pig he would die” we should say, “It’s so sad that you can’t play with Patches anymore.  It hurts to lose buddy like that doesn’t it?  I care that you’re hurting right now.”

Availability.   You must be present to win!  Too many parents are so busy “adulting” that time with their kids gets pushed out of the way.   I remember hearing Dr. Dobson years ago say that “Quality time is an accident that happens during Quantity time.”  Those words proved true in my own parenting.  Wise parents make their kids a priority in their schedules.  Family vacations, “daddy dates,” family game nights, sleeping in a tent in the backyard, etc. are all examples of ways to show your kids that being with them is important to you.  And in the process, you just might learn what’s important to them.  Be fully present with them by having these be times where everyone turns off their phones.

Respect.  I’ve blogged a lot over the years about the importance of respect, so I won’t elaborate much here.  People feel disrespected when they are being commanded a lot.  They feel voiceless when they aren’t allowed to express frustration.   They feel manipulated when they are pressured to be at their best all the time.   Respecting parents are prone to believe their kids and believe in them as well.

Fairness.  Parents are wise if they only set rules that are necessary, majoring on the majors.  When rules are broken, they are careful to implement natural consequences which promote learning rather than using arbitrary punishments to simply inflict pain or get even.  They avoid making hasty decisions that might seem impulsive and unfair.

Each of these components will make kids feel valued, likely resulting in greater parental influence in their lives.

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the fourth Optimizer of Influence!

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Influence Optimizer #2: Avoid Relational Walls

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In my previous post, this post, and the following three posts, I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

Adversarial relationships between our kids and us will only cause them to resent us which will influence them in the exact opposite direction that we intend for them.  Exasperating our children is not only unbiblical (Ephesians 6:4), but it also creates bitterness in them, diminishing any positive influence we might have had.  It makes them feel like victims.

Here are ten things that will make your kids feel like victims, ensuring that you have little–if any–positive influence on them:

  • Major on the minors.  Harp on things that really don’t matter and ignore those that really do.
  • Be unfair, inconsistent, and unreasonable in what you require of them.
  • Make decisions that will affect kids without soliciting their input or explaining why the decision was made.  Say “Because I said so!” a lot.
  • If you ask them questions at all, make sure they feel interrogated, and begin all your questions with the word, “Why.”
  • Be sure you let them know how they are such a disappointment to you.  Use creative labels for them like “stupid,” “lazy,” “brat,” and “worthless.”
  • Treat children like property instead of people, making them feel unworthy, unheard, and unwanted.  Don’t let them make their own decisions.
  • Never admit you might be wrong.  Never show weakness.  Never apologize.
  • Be easily offended, quick-tempered, unpredictable, and volatile.  Don’t let them see you smile.   Make them fear you.
  • Make discipline decisions impulsively, in the heat of the moment, when you’re not thinking objectively.  Be as punitive as possible.  Show no mercy.
  • Let the busyness of life keep you from quality family time.  Work excessively.  Don’t plan family fun.  Don’t go on dates with your kids.  Don’t read to them.  Let them put themselves to bed.  Be sure not to spend any one on one time with them.

Foolish parents will do the things on this list without giving thought to the relational walls they are building between them and their kids.  How much better it is to build relational bridges by doing exactly the opposite of each thing on that list!

As mentioned previously, there are no guarantees.  Some kids will resent their parents no matter what we do; they also can create walls of relational separation.  Even so, let’s make it our goal that any walls that exist are caused by their sin, not ours.  And let’s pour our energy into taking down walls and building bridges to their hearts whenever possible.  That will maximize our influence on them.

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the third Influence Optimizer!

Influence Optimizer #1: Model Authenticity

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In this–and the following four posts–I will elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

Since character and values are more caught than taught, careful management of your own life and character is of critical importance.

  • Want them to have high moral character?  Live it.  How can we expect them to be honest if we’re cheating on our taxes?  How will they be truthful if they see us calling in sick on the way to the golf course? How can we expect them to be respectful when we mock those of different political persuasions?  How will they learn patience and forgiveness if we don’t work on our road rage?  How will they be humble if they never see us apologize?
  • Want them to learn?  Show that you don’t know everything and that you have a teachable spirit.  Model a desire to seek truth wherever it may be found.  Show interest in learning from them;  they will likely want to learn from you in return.
  • Want them to open up to you?  Open up to them, speaking about things that really matter.  Be transparent and vulnerable about how you are growing and what your personal goals and dreams are–physically, relationally, spiritually, financially, etc.  Authenticity breeds authenticity just as superficiality breeds superficiality.  Such conversations may help you discover the unique person that they are.
  • Want them to be spiritually strong?   Devote yourself to the spiritual disciplines (prayer, Word, solitude, etc).  Spend less time monitoring their spiritual walks and more time focusing on your own spiritual development.  Let them see you carving out time to get alone with God.   Let them see your open, underlined Bible.  Let them see how developing intimacy with God is a priority in your life–not just lip service–and that it is changing you for the better.  Show joyful obedience, generous giving,  and eagerness to do ministry — all flowing from a heart of thankfulness, never obligation.
  • Want them to be careful about their internet use?  Show them your own commitment to internet accountability by giving your social media passwords to your spouse and not shying away from random checks on your computer use.  Show how you proactively guard yourself against porn and other online temptations.
  • Want their dating life to be God-honoring?  If you’re married, model a God-honoring marriage.   Let them see you reading books to strengthen your marriage and see your eagerness to attend marriage conferences.  Let them see two imperfect people who are committed to relational growth.  Be a team.  Regularly show forgiveness, love, and respect toward one another as well as much displayed affection.  Talk about the importance of exclusivity in your relationship.   If you’re single, explain your beliefs about marriage and expose your kids to healthy marriages.
  • Want them to be plugged into a faith community?  Don’t allow Sunday sports leagues to interfere with church attendance–think what that teaches them about your priorities!  If you make church involvement important to you it likely will become important to them for the rest of their lives.
  • Want them to take care of themselves?  Show how you are taking care of yourself.  Attend to your personal growth needs and show self-respect. Parents who are so busy meeting the demands of their children become doormats, unintentionally teaching that parents are push-overs and that kids can be entitled.

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the next Influence Optimizer!

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What I DON’T pray for my kids

I don’t pray for my kids every day, but when I do, there are a lot more things that I don’t pray for than I do.  

In fact, there are really only three things I do consistently pray for, succinctly summed up in nine keywords.  These are the things — in my view — that matter infinitely more than anything else.

I pray that my kids will:

Know God Accurately

Love God Wholeheartedly

Represent God Authentically

With regard to Knowing God Accurately, I’m asking that my kids will have a real encounter the Creator of the Universe and increasingly understand who He is.  I want their beliefs to correspond to the actual qualities of God, not an understanding skewed by human thinking.  I want them to more fully comprehend His omnipotence, omniscience, sovereignty, justice, holiness, mercy, love, compassion, and grace. 

By Loving God Wholeheartedly I’m asking that my kids would increasingly love God for who He is and continuously turn every part of their lives over to Him as Lord.  Loving God involves more than feelings, it’s a commitment to align their wills with His, surrender themselves to His service, and delightfully obey what He says — regardless of the cost.

In Representing God Authentically, I’m asking that my kids will increasingly become more like Jesus, humbly bear much fruit, and love others — being God’s ambassadors wherever He places them. 

These nine words sum up what matters most to me as a praying parent.  What more could I want but for these prayers to be answered?  That’s why I don’t spend much time praying for the typical things:  success, health, prosperity, finances, careers, or a spouse.  Besides, most of these things will fall into place anyway if these “top three” prayers are answered.

(I pray these same three things for myself, Cindy and others too!)

Btw, here’s what I pray for my kids’ dad — I always pray that I would shepherd, serve, and cherish them more and more…yet hold them looser and looser.

Understanding the “y” in Lying.

The other day a parent messaged me, wondering what to do about a lying teenager.   Her question prompted me to flesh out this post that I started almost two years ago.

Let me start by saying that “lying” is one of the things that ought to be on every parent’s “Majors” list.  I’ve blogged about Majors and Minors elsewhere, but let me just state that few things are more “Major” than having family relationships based on trust.   Lying within the home can’t be ignored.

But just because something is on the Majors list doesn’t mean it has to be dealt with severely or punitively–it just has to be dealt with.  In the case of a child’s lying, I think it may be just as useful to consider the reasons for the child’s lying, rather than be solely punitive about it.  Before jumping to confrontations, it would seem useful to think about what internal things may be going on that might make them (and us–if we were honest) choose to lie.  Rather than immediately react to what they did wrong, let’s slow down, gather all the information, and listen.  Only then can we learn what’s really going on with our children.  Here are six possible reasons they might be lying.

1. Some kids lie out of fear.  Could it be that our discipline methods are overly strict?  Any reasonable child would want to lie to avoid “setting off” an unreasonably punitive parent.  Parents would be wise to consider whether they may be over-disciplining.  An honest heart-to-heart conversation between the child and parents might reveal rules and expectations that are overbearing.  If so, negotiating better rules and expectations might eliminate the need for the child to lie for self-protection.

2. Some lie so as to not hurt loved ones.  Perhaps the lying is intended as a way to make the parents less anxious, worried, or crushed by the child’s choices.  Thus, lying could actually be intended as a kindness.  Such children view their parents as fragile; such parents need to convince their children that their own well-being doesn’t depend on the child doing everything perfectly.  As I’ve controversially stated elsewhere, the parents need to communicate that they don’t need their kids to behave in order for them to thrive.  The parents should model a resilient faith in Jesus that doesn’t need to pressure their kids into making perfect decisions all the time.  In fact, it’s ok for them to fail!

3. Some kids lie as a way to protect someone else.  As in the previous case, such lying might actually be intended as a kindness.  The biblical Rahab hid the Israelite spies on her roof–and lied about it to the authorities.  Her lying saved not only the spies but also the lives of her own family–and she was rewarded for doing the right thing!   Likewise, the child who lies to the stranger at the door–saying their absent parent is home but “can’t come to the door”–is being wise, not wicked.  In the same way, the kid who lies to keep a friend from getting in trouble is likely trying to do the greater good.  Parents would do well to have conversations with their kids about when lying may be appropriate, when covering for a friend may be helping them, and when it actually might be hurting them unknowingly.  Discussing how “true friends” should relate to each other is an important concept for them to understand during their years of nurturing in your home.  Sometimes friends need to “wound” others rather than enable them to avoid responsibility.  (Proverbs 27:6.)

4. Some kids lie so as not lose their parents’ approval.  These kids have a perception that their parents’ love and acceptance depends on their good behavior.  Wise parents would do well to communicate that–no matter what good or bad choices their kids may make in life–their love will never be in question.  It is important to keep a distinction between the child’s behavior and their personhood.  They need to be convinced that we unconditionally delight in their personhood, eliminating this reason to lie about their behaviors.

5. Sometimes kids lie to build themselves up.  Each of us has a longing to feel accepted by others, so it’s no surprise that this is a common motive for kids’ lying.  In this competitive “selfie-saturated” world of ours it’s easy to see why exaggerating one’s achievements may seem necessary for social survival.  Lying may also be a defense mechanism to avoid bullying. If self-preservation is the cause of your child’s lying then berating him or her for lying might actually be adding to their feelings of not measuring up.  Rather than punishing such boasting, it would be better to spend time empathetically listening to them while looking for opportunities to convey biblical truth to them about their worth in the eyes of God.  Pray for them–and with them–about this.

On the other hand, if the child is lying as a way to put others down, that should also be addressed with a heart-to-heart discussion.  Beneath the rough exterior of most bullies is insecurity.  Helping them see how their lying may be wounding others is important for them to learn.

6. Some kids lie to cover up their rebellion.  This kind of lying needs to be carefully handled as it indicates a deficiency in the child’s heart.  Since we have no ability to directly change a heart, prayer is the best thing parents can do in such cases.  But we can also indirectly affect their heart by the way we respond to their rebellious lying.  Will it require consequences?  Absolutely!  But as stated earlier, be sure the consequences are reasonable.  Any obvious overreaction will make the child focus on the parents’ faults rather than his or her own bad behavior.   (This is where delayed consequences can really help avoid the perception that parents are being unreasonable and impulsive in their punishments.  Such a delay buys the parent ample time to pray, think, and consult with others regarding which appropriate consequence would help the child learn the best lesson.)

Six Final Considerations:

First, since character is “more caught than taught,” parents must be careful to always model lives of personal integrity.  If the kids overhear the parent calling in sick to work–while heading out to the golf course–no amount of lecturing on life’s virtues will compensate!

Second, reward honesty.  Every time we catch our kids telling the truth, let’s affirm that wise choice.

Third, as I mentioned at the top of this post, lying often results in a breach of trust within the home.  Consequences–if there are any– should be tailored to address this issue. It’s appropriate to reign in the leash if the freedom of a longer leash has been mishandled.  This is a true principle that will apply for all of life.

Fourth, consequences should last as briefly as possible, with the stated goal of wanting to restore their freedom as soon as they show they can handle it.   We want them to have freedom–and we want them to use it responsibly.  Offer hope for a better tomorrow.  “Grounded for a year” will only produce resentment instead of shaping a child’s character.  Trust and verify.

Fifth, consider whether the lying might be age-related.  It should be noted that preschool children typically manifest lying as part of their normal development.  They may not fully grasp the difference between fantasy and reality–an example would be having an “imaginary friend.”  They also are experimenting with reading others’ perceptions and controlling their own actions.  Parents should keep this in mind as they confront the lying of preschoolers in the home.  Kang Lee has done some interesting research (and a Ted talk) on the subject of early-childhood lying if you’re interested.

Finally, is the lying related to mental disabilities or trauma?  I haven’t studied these issues yet, but consideration might need to be made for such cases.  I’ll edit this post as I learn more during my graduate school counseling training.

Finishing one race; starting another.

Today I crossed the finish line of a very long race and am about to start another.

I completed my final list of “to dos” this afternoon, the last of which was packing my office belongings into my car.  At 3:45 I walked down to Linda’s office, turned in my church keys, and instantly went from being Pastor Mark back to just  Mark.

I’ve been in full-time ministry for 32 years straight — and now, in an instant, I find myself unemployed and not really sure what this new normal will be like for me.  In two weeks I’ll be starting my next race — that of  a full time grad student.

What a change.  At this very moment I’m blogging these reflections instead of running youth group.   So weird.

Race Results.

Looking over my shoulder at the race I’ve just finished I am profoundly grateful and humbled that God would let me run it.

At my “graduation”/farewell party this past Sunday Cindy and I set out all of the youth group pictures and memorabilia that we had preserved from each of the past 25 years.  Perusing through them brought back many long-forgotten memories of ways that God blessed us with each other and with Himself.

I marveled at the number of youth group alums who came back to wish us farewell, coming from as far north as Duluth and as far south as Arkansas.  It was such a delight to reconnect with our old kids (some now in their 40s), watch them relive old memories, and reflect on how good God was to us during those years.  It struck me that with every single year, trip, and retreat God seemed to have sovereignly brought together those students and sponsors who needed each other at that precise moment in time.  We truly had something special.

On a personal note, Cindy and I were so profoundly touched by all those who were able to come and wish us well.  Thank you for expressing your kind words to us verbally and through the many, many cards.  Our view is that each of you has impacted us every bit as much as you say we have impacted you.  God gets the glory for it all.

It was indeed a good run!

Whenever I finish a race I find myself equally exhilarated, exhausted, and satisfied all at once — and looking for the massage tent!

So it is now.   And then on to the next race!

How I almost got disqualified from youth ministry.


My farewell party is this Sunday afternoon and people will naturally be congratulating me on my 25 years as youth pastor at New Covenant.

But what most people don’t know is that less than 2 years into my job, I almost disqualified myself.  I want to tell that story.

When I came to New Covenant in 1992 the youth group was in a state of disillusionment.  My predecessor’s departure had been unexpected and the high school group was admittedly in a state of disarray.  I came in knowing the youth group needed fixing and that it was my job to do just that!  I was going to make this youth group great again!

Armed with my Moody Bible theology degree and 6 years of church ministry experience, I had all the resources I needed to turn things around!  It didn’t take me long — just a few months — to come up with just the right programs to develop leaders and make disciples.  Several students signed up for my programs and gave me great feedback.  I was doing it!  Things were really getting fixed!

Or so I thought.  One summer day — having been here just a year and a half — I was unexpectedly called in to Pastor Ray’s office, where an elder and one of my few youth volunteers (we call them “sponsors”) were waiting.  They relayed the hard news to me that actually the youth group wasn’t fixed.  At all.  In fact, a high percentage of youth group members felt like they didn’t matter.  That it was “Mark’s youth group” not theirs.  And that if they didn’t show up, no one would likely even notice.  They were unheard and devalued.  They were falling through the cracks and my “discipleship kids” were the only ones I seemed to care about.

At first, I was in disbelief and in a state of shock.  But as they relayed one account after another of those who had been feeling neglected by me I recognized that they were speaking the truth in love.  In my frenzy to run a successful program and quickly turn things around I had completely missed that this youth group was about them, not me and my grandiose solutions that were being imposed on them.

I spent a week wrestling in prayer.  I did some fasting, and serious soul-searching.  I knew I couldn’t continue to be a shepherd that was actually wounding the sheep by my pride and neglect.  I was broken.  I either had to completely change my priorities or quit my job.  Thankfully, God allowed me to stay and change.

Those who were there will recall that I immediately did several things to demonstrate my change of heart.

  • I called a meeting of the whole youth group and in brokenness apologized for making the group about me, not them.  I confessed how I had imposed my plans on them rather than serving them.
  • I brought in a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle, which together we assembled and mounted on the wall to visually remind us all that every single person mattered.  We did this for several years.
  • I stated that if anyone ever caught me using the phrase “my youth group” I would pay them money on the spot.  It was God’s youth group, and their youth group, but I needed it to not be mine.
  • I confessed to having developed a “Savior Complex,” trying to run the youth group my way and attempting to shepherd the large group of students all by myself.  I committed to begin to pray that God would raise up a large team of youth sponsors, caring adults who would help prevent students from falling through the cracks if possible.

Graciously, the group gave me a second chance.  And God miraculously brought us just the sponsor team we needed.  In the remaining weeks of that summer 17 sponsors randomly approached me out-of-the-blue, asking to become sponsors.  It was remarkable because I had only prayed, never even making the need known to the church.  That so many approached me so quickly was a miraculous confirmation from God.

This traumatic experience of almost losing my job altered my life and ministry values — permanently.  It taught me the importance of listening to those whom I serve, frequently soliciting their input.  I learned to hold my agendas loosely.  To be teachable.  To be an includer. To give up control.  To do things as a team. To let others (students and sponsors) make ministry decisions that may be different than mine.  To admit that I can’t shepherd everyone and to be ok with sponsors impacting particular students better than I could.

So as I reflect on the lives of students that may have been impacted over these past 25 years I give the lion’s share of the credit to my wonderful sponsor team.  Without them our youth group would have self-destructed long ago!  Thank you, thank you to the dozens and dozens of you who served as sponsors over these years.  I couldn’t have done much of anything without you.   Did we care perfectly for every student?  Sadly no.  In a big group it’s hard to notice all the needs and direct our attention to the students when they need it most.  But looking back, we sure cared for a lot of them!

Here’s one of my favorite sponsor photos from over the years.  Mark Eades and I got our sponsors bowling shirts that year!

And now, as I step down from leading the high school group, I’m not at all concerned for the group’s well being.  My vacancy has been anticipated and the sponsors are ready.  The current team of committed sponsors will make sure that the youth group continues to function without skipping a beat and I am confident that the students will be well cared for moving forward.

I want to express special thanks to the sponsors who have committed to keep the group running smoothly during this time between youth pastors:  Stacey, Steve, Melissa, Bryan, Charley, Jennifer, Candace, Sabrina, Jeff, Tim, Brad T, Brad A, Sara, Dawn, Lynn, Ron, & Becky.  And I’m thankful for the resourcing and support that they will continue to be given by Mark Eades and Renee Kim.  The youth group is indeed in good hands!

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