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My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

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Obsessing over the "Quarter"

Years ago, the Lord gave me an idea for an illustration that I finally shared with the youth group. It turned out to be one of my most memorable lessons ever. It still impacts my own thinking.

It was two days before our Poland trip and I had just cashed out all our trip spending money, so I had a huge stack of cash in my possession — not a common occurrence!

During my talk that Wednesday night, I chose a volunteer from the audience (it happened to be Rachel Kearney) and I gave her a $100 bill. She–and the rest of the group–was astounded. Then I asked if I could give her another $100. And another, and another. People were flabbergasted and in total awe — some even stood up to get a better view. This went on for several minutes.  By the time I was finished, I had handed her sixty $100 bills for a total of $6,000. Most people in the room had never even seen that much cash in one place. The stack was huge.  That would pay for a decent car or two years at Kirkwood!

I asked Rachel how she felt at that moment and her words were “Speechless!”

The first point was this: God has given us immeasurably more than $6,000. For free. Just because He wanted to. More than $6 million; more than $6 trillion. If we were to quantify all his undeserved earthly blessings (life, health, family, abilities, resources, education, freedom, intelligence, friends, transportation, His Word, fellowship, utilities, technologies, communication abilities, etc) and the eternal blessings acquired by Jesus substitutionary death on the cross for our sins, we would see that we are truly wealthy beyond measure. And that’s just adding up His undeserved grace. If we factor in His mercy (the bad things we deserve–such as hell–but are spared from), we will find that we have far too many blessings to even begin to count!

So what should our reaction be to God’s generosity toward us? Rachel had it right:  Speechlessness.

Application #1. When was the last time you were speechless toward God because of His generosity toward you?

Back to that Wednesday night. With the huge pile of cash in Rachel’s hand, we then speculated on what her reaction ought to be if the person sitting next to her withheld from her a measly Quarter that she was owed. We agreed it really shouldn’t make a bit of difference to her. She’s rich beyond words, so why should that pitiful quarter make any difference at all to her.

So the second point was this: We easily forget how wealthy we are in Christ and therefore we easily obsess over the “Quarter” that we think we need in order to be happy (a relationship, some material thing, an exotic experience, etc.). We ought to live in a constant state of exuberance, yet so often our thinking gets skewed and we believe we need this or that to be happy. We get depressed and anxious over such relatively insignificant things and we lose our joy. How it must break God’s heart when, having just abundantly showered us with innumerable blessings, we get mopey and gloomy over one unnecessary trinket we don’t have.  It would insult the generous giver to fixate on an insignificant debtor.

This truth hit home with me again even today. Early this morning I had lain in bed for two hours, unable to sleep, because I thought I needed to acquire a particular thing to be happy–dreaming about how wonderful it would be.  Scheming ways to possibly obtain it.  And then I remembered the “Quarter” and thought about how sad God must have been during those two hours while I blocked Him completely out of my mind’s eye because I was obsessing over the stupid “Quarter” that I didn’t have. I’m happy to say I apologized to God, repented of my sin,  and then had an awesome worship time right there in my bed. I put my delight back in God alone and I found Him amazingly satisfying. I don’t need any “Quarter” to be happy.

Application #2. What “Quarter” are you currently obsessing over? Can you let it go and trust God to be your sole source of delight? These would be good questions to ask ourselves, probably every day!

Read the Label

weeds

Until recently I had tons of weeds in my yard. Then one day last week I took a drastic measure that removed all of my weeds for good! And the amazing thing is that it didn’t cost a thing and the weeds are guaranteed to never come back. What I did was simply this: I started calling them Flowers!

What we label something matters. Calling those yellow things “weeds” sends a message about their value to us. Calling them “flowers” sends a totally different message.

On a similar note, I recently decided to label my office a “closet” instead of an “office”. That way I don’t have to feel guilty about the mess! What a stress reliever that’s been!

I’ve been thinking about labels lately, specifically with what labels do we choose to label ourselves?

Thomas the Tank Intern and I had a discussion recently about our Facebook profile’s “political views”. (Facebook forces you to label yourself a lot if you hadn’t noticed!) I had listed myself as “very conservative” prior to this conversation, but our conversation helped me see that my views are a mixture of very conservative (on moral issues) and moderate (on enviromental issues) and maybe even some relatively liberal (with regard to treatment of the poor, etc). One label couldn’t accurately describe the mix of them. So I changed my label to “other”!

Another way I think we attach a label to ourselves is by the Facebook groups we join. Each one represents something we associate ourselves with. We subtly endorse those groups that we join whether we realize it or not.

I had a conversation with a distraught student last weekend. This student had received a scolding from a non-Christian acquaintance because she was part of a Facebook group called “Abolish Abortion”. Now there’s a label for you! Sounds a little like “weeds”!

Now I’m as pro-life as anyone. When my unwed mom was pregnant with me, she was offered an abortion, but instead, she chose adoption for me. She’s my hero–now you can see one more reason that I’m so prolife.

Too often Christians are perceived as “haters” and are identified with what we are against. Let’s not reinforce that stereotype by choosing labels that communicate hate. “Abolish Abortion” sounds hateful and I’m not surprised that a non-believer would be offended. I discovered there’s even an “Abolish Abolish Abortion Groups” group out there. I’m tempted to join!

How about taking a stand with a positive label instead. Here are some suggestions: “Promote Adoption,” “Choose life,” “Let’s Help Women Facing an Unwanted Pregnancy,” “Great Alternatives to Abortion,” etc. These labels communicate love, rather than focusing on hate.

On the same note, instead of joining “Hilary Haters,” why not start a group “Jesus loves Hilary.” Or instead of “Ban Gay Marriage” how about “God loves those struggling with same-sex attractions.”

But I think the best label of all is a life lived that models the character of Christ to a lost world. I think it’s called “loving our neighbors as ourselves.”

Falling asleep while praying.

prayer

Have you ever fallen asleep while praying? Ever felt guilty about it and scolded yourself over it? I sure have. Plenty of times. Until something recently made me look at it differently.

One evening not too long ago, after the kids had gone to the their rooms, I came into the living room to find my wife Cindy reclining on the sofa after a long day. Beautiful. I couldn’t resist the moment, so I nestled my way in behind her, wrapping my arms around her to keep her from falling off. Before long she was far away in dreamland.

I layed there for a long while soaking in the moment before I too fell asleep. I was entranced by our mutually shared warmth, security, comfort, peace and joy. Pure contentment.

Was I offended and upset that she had fallen asleep on me? Not a chance. In fact her peaceful sleep in my arms brought me tremendous satisfaction. What better place for her to fall asleep? What higher honor could she bestow on me than to rest in my arms?

This experience made me think about prayer and all the times I’ve fallen asleep during it. Perhaps God isn’t up there offended and angry about it. Perhaps he’s thrilled that my last waking moments were spent with him and that I fell asleep peacefully in his arms.

Today I just finished a biography of Amy Carmichael and she seems to agree with this. In her later, invalid years she came up with seven instructions on prayer. Number six is this: “Don’t worry if you fall to sleep. ‘He giveth unto His beloved in sleep.'”

Perhaps the religion/relationship distinction comes into play here. If it’s true that God wants a relationship with us, then falling asleep while snuggling with Him isn’t such a bad thing at all. Conversely, if our faith merely consists of performing religious duties, (i.e. saying our prayers) than falling asleep is an offensive crime.

I think it’s so easy to accidentally slip back into the religion mentality, forgetting that it really is all about relationship. This encounter with my wife jolted me back to a better way of looking at my spiritual life.

Certainly the entirety of our prayer life can’t consist solely of snuggling and sleeping in the arms of God. Any relationship needs honest, heartfelt communication–both ways. But I, for one, am done kicking myself for the times when I fall asleep while praying.

falling asleep

When youth group members die.

Last week marked the death anniversaries of the two youth group members who have died since I’ve been at New Covenant. Ryan W. died 10 years ago and Michelle Pinkston died 1 year ago. I’ve been reflecting on what was similar and different about their lives and deaths.

SIMILARITIES

Both grew up in our church.
Both from strong Christian families.
Both were active in youth group, doing drama, music, the Mexico trip.
Both were really fun, life-of-the-party types. Popular and well-liked.
Both died suddenly as a total shock to everyone.
Both deaths made me cry for very different reasons.

DIFFERENCES

Despite his good start, Ryan strayed from the Lord his junior year, quit coming to church, made a series of poor choices which ultimately resulted in his death.

Michelle kept the faith, focused on loving others, used her talents to glorify God, served God in many ways, completed college with numerous awards and achievements, and was killed in a car accident on her way home.

Ryan started well and finished poorly.
Ryan’s funeral was a somber occasion, filled with regret, guilt, and tears of despair.

Michelle started well and finished well.
Michelle’s funeral was a worshipful occasion, filled with praise to God for a life well lived. There were tears from the grief of separation, but they were also tears of joy knowing she heard the words “Well done, good and faithful servant. Welcome home!”
Today, the mention of Michelle’s name brings to mind “finishing well.”

CONCLUSION

How you finish matters.  It is a lot of what will be remembered about you. We don’t know when our life will be over, it could happen suddenly, without warning like it did for these two.

Choose to finish well by always living well. Michelle did that by making good choices. Please be like her.

Two Powerful Words

hallofwords.jpg

I want to share Two Powerful Words I learned years ago from my friend Brian Carroll that every parent should know and use.  But first: one word not to use.

When parents use the word “why” it almost always backfires, resulting in defensiveness, anger and frustration. 

  • Billy, why are you so disrespectful to me? 
  • Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
  • Jake, why did you skip out on youth group last week?

“Why” makes teens feel interrogated and not trusted and they immediately get defensive.  That’s why I suggest replacing “why” with these Two Powerful Words: “Observe” and “Curious”.    Here’s how they would work in the above illustrations.

  • Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to do the dishes.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way. 
  • Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m curious, what do you think is causing you to treat him that way?
  • Jake, Pastor Mark noticed that you’ve been skipping out of youth group after worship on Wednesdays.  If that’s true, I’m wondering, what do you think it is that is compelling you to do that?

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.  

Do you see how throwing out “why” and using “observe” and “curious” (or their equivalents) can help?  They’re not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding.  They help us learn what makes our teen tick.  They communicate to our kids that their feelings, motivations, and perspectives are valid and that you want to know them more than you want to change them.  They force us to delay judgment and discipline until after we’ve gained understanding.  These words force us to be students of our students.   They help build a relational bridge with our kids rather than an impenetrable wall of opposition. 

Do I observe some skepticism as you read this?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying it!

"Sacred Pathways"

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On our Winter Retreat, our teaching theme presented the “Sacred Pathways” described in the book by the same name by Gary Thomas.   I’m going to summarize the book here so parents will know what we talked about, but I also think every believer would benefit spiritually by learning the insights presented in this book.

 So here’s a quick overview to clue you in.

Gary Thomas is one of my very favorite authors.  He is, a marvelous church historian who gleans spiritual gems from the forefathers of our faith and puts them in easy to understand language.  In his historical research, he has identified nine spiritual “temperaments” or ways that people are wired to best love and connect with God.  Knowing how you’re wired to worship helps you experience God in more meaningful ways.

The nine pathways are

  • The NATURALIST — worships God through experiencing God’s creation
  • The SENSATE— worships God through the five senses (sight, sound, touch, smell, & taste)
  • The ENTHUSIAST — worships God expressively through joyful passion and expectation.
  • The INTELLECTUAL— worships God by studying Truth and establishing firm beliefs.
  • The TRADITIONALIST— worships God by enjoying historic practices of the church, symbols, creeds, and hymns.
  • The ASCETIC— worships God by living a life of simplicity, solitude, and self-denial.
  • The CONTEMPLATIVE— worships God by meditating on an intimate, loving, personal relationship with Him.
  • The CAREGIVER — worships God by loving and serving others.
  • The ACTIVIST— worships God by making efforts to change the world.

All the “pathways” are valid and necessary in the church.  We’ll each have several that are dominant–and knowing that helps us to avoid judging others’ ways of worshiping.  It also helps to know that it’s ok for me to worship in a way that may be different from others.

It’s also useful to try other pathways to expereince God in new ways.  During the retreat after presenting each pathway in detail we had a time to experience each one (nature prayer walks, contemplation, reading a CS Lewis piece, etc.)

I’d encourage parents of retreat attenders to sit down and talk about your son or daughter’s pathways.  It would be a great way for you to get to know them better.

For the same reason, I presented this material at the Parents of Teens class two weeks ago.  Click here for the chart I passed out there, which explains the nine pathways in more detail if you’re interested!  sacred-pathways-overview.pdf

Click here if you’d like to take the simple Assessment Quiz that I shared with the group. Sacred Pathways Quiz

By the way, in case you’re wondering about my pathway mix–I’m an Ascetic, and a Contemplative, who’s becoming more and more of a Traditionalist!  That explains my previous post below!

Why I’m observing Lent.

For 1,700 years it has been a Christian tradition to celebrate Lent. That means that ever since the 3rd Century, this has been done each spring. Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, Blaise Pascal, Christopher Columbus, Martin Luther, and others likely took part in this historic observance.

Because we’re not liturgical like Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists Episcopalians and others, churches like ours have tended to throw out all the ancient traditions.  If they’re meaningless, empty traditions, they ought to be thrown out.  But I think Lent is one tradition we should retain.

Jesus gave up everything for us, so the custom of denying ourselves some comfort for the 40 days prior to Easter is an appropriate way to commemorate his death. It can be a way to draw close to Jesus as we in some small way “share in his sufferings.” An especially good practice for any of you fellow ascetics!

And it’s also a great time to focus on self-control rather than our usual mode of indulgence.  An especially good practice for any of you like me who need to practice restraint!  When else are we especially encouraged to exercise restraint in our indulgent society?

It begins this Wednesday “Ash Wednesday” when ashes are typically “painted” on the forehead in the sign of the cross to symbolize humility and repentence: a modern day version of “sackcloth and ashes”.

With or without the ashes, I challenge you to think of what you’ll seek to cut out of your life during this Lenten season. Not as an empty ritual, but rather as a way to love and connect with Jesus.

Why I’m observing Lent.

ash-wednesday.JPG

For 1,700 years it has been a Christian tradition to celebrate Lent.  That means that ever since the 3rd Century, this has been done each spring.  Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, Blaise Pascal, Christopher Columbus, Martin Luther, and others likely took part in this historic observance.

Because we’re not liturgical like Catholics or Lutherans, churches like ours have tended to throw out all the ancient traditions.   But I think Lent is one tradition we should retain.

Jesus gave up everything for us so the custom of denying ourselves some comfort for the 40 days prior to Easter is an appropriate way to commemorate his death. It can be a way to draw close to Jesus as we in some small way “share in his sufferings.”  An especially good practice for any of you fellow ascetics!

And it’s also a great time to focus on self-control rather than our usual mode of indulgence.  An especially good practice for any of you like me who need to practice restraint!

It begins this Wednesday “Ash Wednesday” when ashes are typically “painted” on the forehead in the sign of the cross to symbolize humility and repentence: a modern day version of “sackcloth and ashes”. 

With or without the ashes, I challenge you to think of what you’ll seek to cut out of your life during this Lenten season.  Not as an empty ritual, but rather as a way to love and connect with Jesus.

Poland English Camp

Hi!  I’m in Poland right now, and you can read updates from our trip on Pastor James Wartian’s blog!  And photos can be viewed at www.poland.impactforjesus.org

This is what happens when kids try to fix their own problems.

I was sitting in my Lazy Boy getting caught up on some World Magazine issues that I had missed reading.  My wife, Cindy, was out for the evening.  Lexi, our 10-year-old was suddenly in crisis.  She had just gotten some hot chocolate, when somehow, she knocked it over in our living room and it went all over the carpet, the sofa, the miniblinds, the wall, etc.  What a mess!

It was an accident, so I couldn’t get too upset–after all, I’ve caused worse accidents!  But Lexi was clearly upset, bawling and calling herself “stupid.”

I remained in my chair, waiting until she cooled down,  Then I called her over to come to sit in my lap.  I asked her how she felt about the whole hot chocolate incident.

“I feel like an idiot,” she whimpered sadly.  “I’m so clumsy.”

“That did make quite a mess,” I said, pointing out the various areas that now were spotted with brown.  “And I’m sure Mom won’t go for the new look.”  So I said, “Let me ask you this,  would you feel like less of an idiot if I cleaned up your mess or if you did?”

“I’d feel like more of an idiot if you had to clean up my mess.”

“Of course, you would.   People feel even worse when they cause extra work for others, don’t they?  That makes a lot of sense. ”

“Yea, but Dad, this mess is way too messy.  I could never clean it up.”  This thought started her bawling again.

Squeezing her tight, I said, “What if I believed you could clean it up all by yourself!  We have a really cool carpet shampooer and I’m sure you’re old enough to use it.  How about if I teach you how to do it?   Shall we give it a try?”

“I guess so.”

So I brought the machine upstairs and showed her, step by step, how to fill the shampoo tank in the sink and empty the dirty one into the toilet; how to spray, scrub, and vacuum the sofa and carpet.  And then, for the next hour and a half, while I resumed my World Magazine reading, Lexi went to work on the chocolate stains one at a time–all by herself.   She did the carpet and then the sofa, and she kept going–she even cleaned under all the cushions and then did the other sofa that wasn’t even baptized by cocoa.  Lexi cleaned things we’ve never cleaned before.  Her despair had turned to joy–she was obviously loving it!

I tell you all this because one of our key parenting principles is that kids must eventually learn to solve their own problems.  Too often we parents make their problems ours.  Either we rescue them (helicopter parents) or we belittle them (drill sergeants).   By giving them the responsibility to fix their own problems we honor them and treat them as contributors, rather than simply dependents.  At such times we should not rescue but empower.

And they may learn some new life skills as well.  In fact, just before bedtime, I caught her on the computer printing something out.  This is what it said.

Lexi's Poster

CARPET CLEANER BUSINESS

Lexi Forstrom is going too start a carpet cleaning business starting Nov 9-Dec 15.  Probably 10-20 dollars per appointment.

She will bring:

Her own carpet cleaner   /   Her own supplies

You will need to provide:

A bathroom with a toilet  /   An adult there

Your time  /   Something to clean.

She will clean:

Carpeted Couches  /   Carpet

Carpeted chairs. /   Etc. If you tell her first.

For more information call 393-0415.

In many homes, a cup of spilled hot chocolate would result in frustration, anger, yelling, tempers, and words.  In our “fix your own mess” home that spilled cup might result in a promising career!

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