Category: Personal Reflections (Page 3 of 11)

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Some of my clients and I have recently been pondering the phrase “I’m sorry” and now I want to write some thoughts on that subject.   I’ll share my conclusion before making my case below:  we should try to avoid saying “I’m sorry” as much as possible!

This announcement may come as a surprise to those who know my proclivity toward apologizing so let me explain.

Here are five reasons why I think we should discontinue using “I’m sorry.”

1. It’s overused.  Some people use the phrase in self-deprecating ways, saying “I’m sorry” about nearly everything they do–they even seem sorry about their very existence.  Of course, when you ask them to stop saying, “I’m sorry” their response is “I’m sorry.”  Such people have a low self-concept and use the phrase either to assume more blame than is warranted or to solicit endless sympathy from others.  Either reason is unhealthy.
2. It minimizes. “I’m sorry” can be a meaningless concession phrase just to get someone off your back (often followed by “Jeez Louise” or the equivalent).  It’s an easy out that minimally admits error without truly taking responsibility.  We can use it to get off the hook or trivialize the one who is offended.
3. It provides an easy segue to deflection, blame-shifting, and excuse-making, especially when followed by the word, but.   “I’m sorry…but you gave me no choice…”,   “I’m sorry…but if you weren’t so pushy”, and  “I’m sorry…but if I had a little more support around here…”
4. The phrase is too vague.  When I say “I’m sorry,” exactly what am I being sorry about?   It’s unclear.  Sorry that I got caught?  (i.e., “worldly sorrow”). That I might suffer consequences?  (i.e., self-pity).  That I tarnished my reputation?  (i.e., pride). That people will disapprove of me?  (i.e., insecurity). Or that I hurt you deeply and am deeply grieved by my actions (actual remorse).  Any of these are possibilities so the phrase lacks usefulness.
5. The phrase is misused when empathy is needed.  We say “I’m sorry” when someone tells us of their misfortune even though we were not responsible for their pain.  Their predictable response then becomes, “Oh, don’t you feel bad; my pain is not your fault!”  This is detrimental as it shifts the focus of the talk from their hurt to our lack of culpability.  It would be more direct and constructive to simply say “I feel bad about what you’re going through” or “It pains me to hear about what happened to you.”   That would elicit the response, “Thank you,” showing that empathy was felt, not sidestepped.

While I am suggesting we try to avoid this oft-misused phrase, I’m not suggesting we not apologize!   In fact, if we care about healthy relationships, apologizing is one of the most important things we fallen humans must do!  I’m just saying to try apologizing without saying, “I’m sorry.”  So how do we do that?

[Important note: apologizing starts with actually being remorseful.  If you can hurt someone and not feel remorse, there is something deeply wrong with you.  If you are indifferent about hurting others, or even worse, you take pleasure in doing so, something needs healing in your own heart.  This is a spiritual problem; God commands us to love others, not hurt them without regret.  Ignore everything else in this post and get to work on your own soul.   See a counselor, pastor, or spiritual mentor right away.]   But for the rest of you…

After cooling off and calming down, here are the components of a “heartfelt apology.”

1. Name the crime in direct, first-person language.   Describe what you did in accurate detail. This takes humility.  “I yelled at you unkindly.”  “I came home drunk again.”   “I treated you like crap in front of the kids.”   “I accused you unfairly.”  “I gave you the cold shoulder.”  “I was controlling, demanding you do it my way.”
2. Don’t minimize what you did or offer explanations.  Take full responsibility for what you did to the other person with no excuses.  Sure, there are reasons for your bad behavior, but talk to your pastor or therapist to figure out those root causes.  For now, only describe to your loved one what you did to him or her that was hurtful.
3. Recognize how you must have made him or her feel.  Try to see through his or her eyes and think about how your bad behavior must have felt to your loved one.  Describe the wounds you caused in ways that show understanding.  “I frightened you by coming at you like that.”  “It must have crushed your spirit to hear me say such degrading things to you.”  “I insulted your character, which must have been infuriating.”  Try to include likely emotions as you describe the negative impact of your behavior.
4. Emphasize how he or she didn’t deserve to be treated that way.   Show your loved one that he or she deserved better treatment.  “You didn’t deserve that kind of disrespect.”  “How could I have treated you so unfairly?”  “No one should ever treat you the way I just did.”
5. Show your remorse.  “I’m embarrassed about how I treated you.”  “I wish I could retract what I said to you.”  “I’ll always regret having treated you that way.”  “I wish I could travel back in time and unhurt you.”
6. Assure that you intend to learn from this mistake and do better in the future.   Simply confessing what you did wrong is not enough.  You must show genuine repentance by showing that you are serious about changing.  To repent means to turn.  “I can’t undo my past but want you to know that I have learned from my sin and my goal is to treat you properly in the future.  Moving forward, I plan to show you significant improvement in my behavior as I learn from this blunder of mine.  I’m determined to love you more and hurt you less.”  By stating your commitment to an improved future, you instill hope and optimism for a better relationship moving forward.
7. Make amends if possible.  If there’s any way to make amends do so.  If you’ve treated your loved one with dishonor, compensate by doing something to show him or her extra honor.  If the infraction was in front of others, set things right with all those who witnessed it.  If something was broken, replace it.  If something is threatening, remove it permanently from the relationship.  If you created fear, replace it with safety.
8. State your need for forgiveness.  Stating your need for forgiveness is about you humbling yourself, expressing that you are indebted to him or her.  Ultimately, whether or not the other person is able to forgive you is out of your control.  You take responsibility for yourself.  I’ll write more about forgiveness in a future essay.

Two final thoughts.

1. Remember that tone and facial expression must correspond to the words.  In fact, these communicate more clearly than the words themselves.  Look the other person in the eyes and show genuine sadness about how you treated him or her and show honest determination about making changes.
2. We should apologize frequently, not just over big things, but also over little hurts.  This will keep resentment from building up.   Since we will fail each other frequently, we should be quick to heal the wounds.  All of the steps outlined above may not be necessary in each case, but, when in doubt, I suggest erring on the side of over-apologizing rather than under-apologizing!

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.   A heartfelt apology is much better.

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Both in and outside my counseling office I encounter people who are seriously distressed by their own imperfections.  They want to do everything perfectly and are perpetually disappointed in themselves for falling short.  Overwhelmed and under-rested, these people spend much of their lives on the performance treadmill–yet, they seem to get nowhere.  And they often struggle to take pride in the work they do accomplish;  nothing they do is good enough.  Eventually, they become wearied and exhausted.  Some even end up despairing of life itself.

These are the perfectionists.

There are many reasons why people may become perfectionists, but I’m not going to explore that here.   Instead, I want to talk about the root problem of perfectionism and offer a reasonable solution.

The problem of perfectionism is this:  Perfection is an illusion!  Like trying to grasp a hologram, perfectionists are chasing after something that can never be caught.

Here’s why I say perfectionism is an illusion:

We are human.  As I blogged recently, the most loving husband or wife remains notably imperfect!  Truly, all of us fall short because we are fallen people living in fallen bodies in a fallen world.  Our bodies themselves are far from perfect;  our faces are not even perfectly symmetrical!  In heaven, it’s possible we’ll do everything perfectly, but that’s impossible on this side of eternity.

We don’t just have one thing to do.  We have many roles and responsibilities to fulfill in life, not just one.  For my part, I am a disciple of Jesus, a husband, a son, a dad, a grandfather, an uncle, a brother, a nephew, a cousin, a counselor, a neighbor, a friend, a citizen, a church member, a homeowner, a gardener, a runner, a student, a blogger, a janitor, a nursery volunteer, a musician, an occasional preacher, and a board member of two separate non-profit organizations.  Can I be perfect at all of these roles?  Not a chance!  In fact, I can’t be perfect in any of these roles.  [If a person only had one role–such as a professional figure skater–and dedicated their life to that one thing alone, I suppose he or she could approach perfection in that singular area.  But they would be even further from perfect in all other areas!]

Our energy is limited.  We only have so much energy to spend fulfilling the roles just mentioned.  We consume and burn about 2,500 calories a day to fuel our brains and body.  We also need to sleep to recharge our brains and bodies.  God designed our human bodies with physiological limitations and the need for a sabbath rest, so we must live in that reality.  If we don’t slow down, pace ourselves, and practice self-care we will either peter out, burn out, or be taken out.

Our time is limited.  Another reality is that each of us is given exactly 1,440 minutes per day–no more, no less!   We can’t supersize our day or purchase an extension pack to gain more minutes.  We each have a finite amount of time with which to accomplish whatever we can.  [We don’t have the luxury of living like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day.  He could approach perfection because he had a virtually unlimited amount of time to get it right.  He was able to master French poetry, create beautiful ice sculptures, master the piano, plan the perfect robbery, toss cards perfectly into a hat, and know every detail about everyone in his town–only because he had no time restraints!]  If Malcolm Gladwell’s theory is correct in that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at any one thing, there’s just not enough time for any of us to become perfect at much of anything!

I hate to break it to you, but you cannot be perfect–and, as I wrote six years ago, you shouldn’t expect your kids to be either!  Perfectionism is an illusion.

Yet, people keep trying anyway.   In this second half of my post, I want to explain how you can get off this perfectionism treadmill.   Just as treadmills have an emergency-stop safety mechanism, I want to show a reasonable way to stop the perfection belt from running you ragged.

The solution to perfectionism is this:  Let’s only do what is REASONABLE instead of trying to do everything perfectly.  

[Before I explain further, let me be clear that in renouncing perfection, I’m not advocating for sloppy or shoddy performance, and I’m not encouraging laziness or mediocrity.  The standard I uphold is doing a reasonably excellent job in each of our various responsibilities.]

If I spend too much time and energy trying to be the perfect employee, working overtime, etc., that will come at the expense of my family obligations.  If I invest too much time being the perfect family member, that will detract from my church responsibilities.  If I spend too much time being the perfect church member, that will keep me from practicing self-care, etc.  Each area competes for my limited time and energy.  Attending to one thing always comes at the expense of something else.  To reduce it even further, every minute spent on one area is a minute not spent on another.

So, considering all the roles and responsibilities I need to fulfill, my aim in life is to be a reasonably effective–not perfectly effective–husband, dad, grandpa, citizen, friend, blogger, runner, etc.  I don’t have unlimited time or energy, so I have to find a reasonable balance between each of these competing roles and responsibilities.

So how do we figure out what is reasonable?

First.  Let’s reconsider what roles and responsibilities we should be fulfilling.  Perhaps we are investing our time in too many things or even in the wrong things.  Just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should.  Just because it’s a good thing, doesn’t mean it’s the best thing.  Having worked as a youth pastor for over 30 years, I often observed exhausted, depressed, teenagers who were overinvolved with good activities:  multiple school sports, club sports, show choirs, marching bands, all-state competitions, AP classes, mock trial, speech competitions, theater performances, color guard, etc.   And that’s just at school!   We should step back and think about what propels us to do more things than we reasonably should.  And we should also think about things we ought to be involved with but aren’t.  Honestly, I sometimes felt jealous that the youth group was only given leftovers from some students!  But my judgments don’t matter; the important thing is what God expects.  Ask Him to show you what your reasonable roles and responsibilities should be as you go through the various seasons of your life.

Second.  Once we identify our proper roles and responsibilities, then we need to figure out how to reasonably allocate our limited time and energy between them.  Just as we do in financial budgeting, we need to discern how much of our time and energy we can reasonably apportion to each area of life.   How many hours is reasonable to spend working?  How much time is reasonable to spend on date nights with my wife?  How much energy should be reasonably spent on long-distance racing?  Or marching band?  Or karaoke?  Or video games?  Or Netflix?  Or show choir?     Again, the important thing is to discern what God currently expects of you.  He’s the one who has given you your time and talents, roles, and responsibilities for this season you’re in.  Ask Him to show you how to reasonably allocate your life.

Third.  Be ready to adjust and don’t feel guilty about it.  There will be no perfect allocation because needs constantly change and opportunities constantly arise.  We’ll need to frequently modify how we spend our time and energy.  The plans we had at the beginning of the day might have gone out the window by mid-day.  Your plans to study for the science test fell apart because you helped your neighbor whose basement was flooding.  You didn’t get the dishes done because you had to take the baby to the clinic.  You didn’t get the promotion at work because you wanted weekends with your family.  You got kicked off the team because you chose to go on a missions trip instead of the tournament.  Remember, the goal is no longer perfection–its reasonableness.   Give yourself permission to go to bed saying, “I couldn’t do it all perfectly, but all things considered, I did what was most reasonable!”

Ultimately the question to ask yourself is this: “Given my present circumstances, how is God nudging me to reasonably divvy up my limited amounts of time and energy?” This is something we ought to ask Him continuously!

But hold on a minute!  Doesn’t God demand our perfection?  Spiritually, yes, but the spiritual perfection He demands was satisfied in Jesus and is imputed to believers by justification through faith.  But in all other respects, God doesn’t seem to demand perfection.  He created us and thus understands our physical, emotional, mental, and temporal limitations even better than we do.  He sympathizes with us in our weaknesses.  God knows our frame, that we are dust.  He is a God of mercy and grace, not a cruel taskmaster.  Jesus is gentle and lowly.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  It seems clear that our perfect God has very reasonable expectations of us.

At the end of my life, I don’t expect to be judged by the impossible standard of perfection, but rather, by whether or not what I did was reasonable.  People who know me, know that “reasonable” is one of the theme words of my life–I talk about it a lot!   In fact, at the end of my life, I hope I’m remembered as the guy who did what was reasonable…reasonably well!

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In my past two posts, I framed relationships as having temperatures.  Part 1 talked about what factors cause relationships to either warm up or cool down, and Part 2 told what to do if others choose to remain cold despite your attempts at warmth.

In this post, I will define each of the twelve temperature increments on my graphic.  I’ll explain the warmer ones first, followed by the colder ones.  I’ll begin each grouping with the absence of temperature–what I call Complacent.

Here’s how I describe the increasing levels of warmth in relationships.

COMPLACENT   Again, this level is neither warm nor cool.  Indifference or ambivalence characterizes such relationships.  No positive or negative interactions or feelings exist.  This category can describe people with whom we have little or no interaction, such as neighbors we haven’t met.  To move to the next level of warmness often begins with introducing ourselves and learning names.

CORDIAL   This is the level where people are polite and respectful toward each other, but there is still a formality to the interactions.  Cordiality is seen in the pleasant conversations between people who just met–involving an ever-so-slight amount of relational warmth.  Moving to the next level requires viewing the other person as someone to bless.

COURTEOUS  Here, the people show gracious consideration toward one another involving small acts of kindness that have minimal cost.  Shoveling a neighbor’s driveway is an example of being courteous.  Moving to the next level of warmth requires becoming aware of the particular needs of others.

CARING  In this level, people demonstrate a greater level of kindness through costlier actions, empathy, and personalized compliments.   Examples would be bringing over a meal for someone in crisis, helping someone move, offering a listening ear to a neighbor who needs to vent, or building up someone who feels like a failure.  Wouldn’t the world be a better place if people were better at caring!   And think of the influence we would have if we were better at this; people don’t care what you know until they know that you care.  With many of the people in our lives, this level is as warm as we need to get.  But for others, we will have even warmer relationships.

CONNECTED  People in this category find community with others, often through group involvement, shared experiences, geographical proximity, ethnic backgrounds, and shared interests such as sports, hobbies, politics, beliefs, or church involvement.  Such connections offer an antidote for loneliness and provide a sense of belonging.  In connected relationships, it is safe to share opinions, values, and passions.  Here, we enjoy camaraderie and a sense of we, not just me.  People can feel connected with dozens and even hundreds of people; however, the final two levels necessarily involve much smaller numbers of people.

CLOSE  This level describes relationships where there is a much higher level of vulnerability, safety, and trust.  The people within this level find it safe to share difficult experiences, controversial views, emotions, hurts, fears, and dreams in the context of unconditional support and encouragement.   Bible studies, accountability or support groups, support groups, and close teams often provide such close connections.  We usually have only a handful or two of family and friends within this category.

CORE  The most intimate relationships belong in this final category which is characterized by complete vulnerability, transparency, and support.  These are the closest of friends and they enjoy safe, secure, attachment bonds.  A person may have one or two core people in their lives and spouses in the healthiest of marriages relate at this level.  For Christians, our relationship with God should also be at this level of intimacy.

And here’s how I describe the levels of increasing coldness.

COMPLACENT   This level is neither warm nor cool.  Indifference or ambivalence characterizes such relationships.  No positive or negative feelings or interactions exist.  This category can describe people with whom we have little or no interaction, such as neighbors we haven’t met.

COLD  This is the first level where the interactions are chilly.  People here are stand-offish or resort to brief answers to questions without elaboration.  Sarcasm, eye-rolling, and sighs of exasperation may also occur in cold relationships.  When people are cold toward us, it is difficult–but important–not to reciprocate; returning coldness for coldness serves only to propel us toward the next level.

CRITICAL  Relationships at this level contain a lot of criticism, focusing on the other person’s failures.  Harsh words are spoken, flaws are highlighted, complaints are levied, and disparaging words are shared.  It is the opposite of encouragement and there is no granting  any “benefit of the doubt.”   When people are critical of us, it is nearly impossible not to strike back with criticism, but we are wise when we listen to the criticism, looking for kernels of truth that we might learn from.   But, instead, if we deflect their criticisms and turn the attention back to their flaws, we only lead the relationship closer toward the next level of coldness.

CONTEMPTUOUS   Criticism eventually grows into an internal attitude of contempt, which dwells under the surface with feelings of disdain and resentment.  Contempt is sometimes expressed through external cutting remarks and negative generalizations.  According to acclaimed marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, contempt between spouses is the number one predictor of divorce.  When we harbor contempt toward another, all compassion is gone.  We would be wise to check our attitudes and look for the image of God in others.  But, instead, if we keep viewing them with contempt, we are heading toward the added coldness of the next level.

CONFLICT-RIDDEN  By this point, the gloves have completely come off–wounding the other is the primary goal.  Relationships in this level are characterized by constant bickering, arguments, shutting down the other, deflection, blame-shifting, avoidance of responsibility, and unforgiveness.   The goal is to defeat them at all costs, opposing every statement, getting the last word in, proving them wrong, and cutting them down.  If we are wise, we will become convicted about the damage we’re causing and will see the importance of standing down.  If we don’t, the only option will be the final level.

CUT OFF COMPLETELY  These relationships are so icy cold that one or both parties have cut the other off completely.  The hurts are so deep that the parties refuse to interact at all.   [Note: in abusive relationships, this level may be the only safe option.  But in all other situations, see my previous post on how to warm things up.]

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