Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 6 of 7)

I’m sitting here listening to the sounds of a baby crying upstairs in our house.  Sounds that bring back fond memories.

We found an old box of videotapes recently and Lexi particularly has been enthralled with looking at these old family memories.   We have hours and hours of footage of baby Brenda.  Brenda being held.  Brenda staring at the camera.  Brenda opening Christmas presents.  Brenda beign changed.  Brenda taking a bath.  Brenda gurgling.  Brenda rolling over.  Brenda “singing.”   Brenda rolling the ball.  Brenda smiling adorably.  It’s priceless.

Then Lexi asked the question I was dreading, “where are the videos of me as a baby?”   There are none.  I feel like an abusive parent.  Like she’ll grow up feeling 2nd rate.  Like we didn’t love her as much as we loved Brenda (which certainly isn’t true, but the evidence would lead to this conclusion.)  Like she’ll suffer emotional scars because of parents who treated her like this.

I just apologized again to her for this negligence, but it can never undo this oversight.  If I could do it all over again I’d make it a point to take equal footage of her, or at the very least some footage.   

Maybe this post will cause some of you to get the camera out right now and shoot some footage.   I don’t want you to experience the regret I’m feeling right now.

For three years I lived in the guys’ dorm at Moody Bible Institute.  As you can imagine, two dozen guys living on our floor produced a bit of mess!  Who should clean up that mess?  It was only appropriate that each of us would take turns cleaning the lounge, doing the dishes, and vacuuming.  It would be unfair for guys to live with all the benefits of community without helping pay the price.  Except for the year we had a paraplegic on our floor, everyone always took their turn.  To be able-bodied, but refuse to pitch in would be freeloading.  And few things irk us more than freeloaders!

Similarly, we don’t appreciate freeloaders in our society at large.   We get upset with those who could work but don’t–those who benefit from the hard work of others without helping.  This is an attitude of entitlement.  They are takers, but they refuse to be givers.

In healthy communities, capable members share the responsibilities and don’t mooch off the others.  We see this exact philosophy in Paul’s admonition to the Thessalonian church, “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” (2 Thes 3:10b)

Now I’d like to take this thought a step further and suggest that families are communities in exactly the same way.  Which brings to mind…

Five Principles for Family Chores

First, household chores are the natural cost of living in community.  In order to run a home someone needs to do the shopping, launder the clothes, shovel the walk, pay the bills, take out the garbage, scrub the toilets, cook the food, mow the yard, etc.  Without any of these things, the family system is hindered.  Each family member reaps the benefits of the chores being done and each family member suffers when they are left undone.

Second, I think parents are wise if they require kids from a very early age to be contributors to the family system by doing their fair share of chores.  (To not do so teaches our kids to be freeloaders, leaving the parents to do the bulk of the work.  An entitlement mentality is being taught by this approach.)  From preschool on, I believe every family member should understand that their family is depending on their help.  The family is a team and everyone must pitch in for the team and do their fair share.

Third, when I say “fair share” I mean that as they age, their responsibility level should increase according to their abilities.  A toddler can help the home in tiny ways, such as picking up the toys.  Here it’s the child’s effort that’s important not the amount of his contribution.  But stretch them to do as much as they are reasonably capable of and continue to increase their responsibility level over time until it comes close to matching the household workload of the parents.  There are very few chores–if any–that a teenager can’t do, so they should be expected to do their fair share of them.

We first thought to implement these concepts in our home when the kids were about three and six.  We had a family meeting one day where we listed out all the things necessary to run our home.  It was a long list!  We explained that as a family it only made sense for everyone to pitch in–parents and kids.  So, we started writing down names next to each chore, taking volunteers at first and making reasonable assignments with what was left.  Lexi thought it would be fun to scrub the toilets.  Brenda chose to cook on Mondays.  On it went until we had a reasonable distribution of tasks:  vacuuming, laundry “whites”, packing lunches, garbage, recyclables, setting the table, doing dishes, cooking on the other nights, etc.  We all agreed Cindy should continue to pay the bills!   I just found the first edition of our Chore Chart for those interested.  Over the years we’ve revisited our list and have made lots of adjustments as you can tell from this version. Now we don’t have a chart at all, it’s just intuitive. And thankfully, we’ve come to the point where–with the girls now being 13 and 16–we’re approaching chore equilibrium!

Forth, giving kids household responsibility prepares them for life.  What a gift it is for kids to have learned all the lifeskills that go into running a household!  Think of how much better equipped for college, marriage, parenting, and life they will be if they’ve been cross-trained on a variety of household chores!

Finally, should allowances be tied to chores?  My view is “no” for two good reasons.  A.  To me, chores are what we owe to the other family members.  At our house, we say, “no one will thank you, no one will praise you!”  Chores are simply what we owe each other for the privilege of living in this family.”   B.  Chores should be a relational issue, not a monetary one.  When we neglect (or forget) our chores, the other family members will naturally suffer and the relational consequences of that must be faced.  If Lexi forgets to fix dinner on a Tuesday, three hungry people will begin complaining!  If people don’t have clean clothes to war the laundry person will be confronted.  If I don’t take out the garbage, my family will complain about the smell.   When our neglect lets others down, family chore assignments force us to deal with people, not piggy banks!  We have to resolve our relational neglectfulness in ways that a mere loss of allowance money can’t fix.  (For example, some kids don’t care a thing about money–is it ok for them to “pay their way out of” ever having to contribute to the family system?)  Making chores unpaid forces us to solve the relational problems that our negligence creates.  Sometimes the solution involves making a deal with another family member to cover the missed chore (such as hiring them!)  Sometimes it involves some form of restitution.   Sometimes, it’s just an apology.  But it’s always primarily relational in nature.

(Note:  we do give our kids “stipend” allowances, but they are not at all connected to chores.  We see them as part of the benefits that come with being members of the Forstrom family.  When we do our family budget each year, we apportion such allowances.  As the kids get older their allowances increase–as do the number of things they are responsible to buy for themselves!  But that’s the subject of another post!)

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A forgotten homework assignment from Men’s Fraternity encouraged us dads to discuss with each family member a list of various traits and how they relate to each of us.  One night last fall, after Cindy had gone to bed, my daughters (age 12 and 15) and I were in a mood to chat, and I happened to remember the forgotten assignment.   I retrieved my workbook from the van and for the next hour and a half, the three of us chatted and laughed and pondered and evaluated what traits are unique and important to each of us.  It was one of those rare, insightful, “magic moments” that you treasure forever.

One of the traits to be discussed was the word “plain,” which launched us into a wonderful conversation about appearances.  This gave me an opportunity to formulate into words what I had been thinking about for a while:  how I hope that my daughters are always rather plain in appearance.

Now I know to some of you what I just said sounds horrible.  In this world which values fashion, glamour, and beauty, such a statement sounds almost emotionally abusive.  In fact, I’ve even read books by well-known Christian authors which talk about how essential it is for dads to frequently tell their daughters how pretty and beautiful they look.

So what kind of dad would wish plainness on his own daughters?   This one.

Having been completely surrounded by teenagers for the past 22 straight years, I’ve learned a thing or two about the adolescent male mind!  I know exactly what turns heads and captivates the eyes and sets guys upon a mad pursuit to satisfy their physical longings.  And quite frankly, I don’t want my girls to be the object of such sensual arousals (outside of courtship and marriage.)

I often express to them how I love that their focus is on inward beauty, character, commitment, respect, integrity, and love for others rather than on make-up and fashion and hairstyles.  How I love that they spend their hours in front of books and sheet music and creative projects rather than in front of the mirror, trying to become more “datable”.  How I appreciate that they honor their “brothers” by dressing modestly and acting responsibly and helping redefine what I think to be true femininity.

We talked about how it would be easy to attract any degenerate guy with their body, but how a true gentleman would be sufficiently attracted to their character.  How “the bait you use determines the kind of fish you catch.”  How the treadmill of appearance management is no way to truly live.  How miserable are those whose lives consist of becoming head-turners. We talked about Miss California and Donald Trump, and Mary-Kate and Ashley, and the Bachelorette, and wardrobe malfunctions, and proms, and body piercing and a whole lot more.   And they get it!

So I’ll say it again:  I hope my girls keep themselves rather plain in appearance.  And I hope they always work to stay beautiful inwardly.   By doing so, they’ll indeed be quite a catch someday!

And I think I have some scripture to back me up.

 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Prov 31:30

I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God. 2 Tim 2:9-10

Last Tuesday was a milestone day in the Forstrom household as Bren purchased her first car!  She’s been saving her money for such a purchase for three years (since she was 12).

Two weeks ago she had asked if we could go out car shopping.  I was shocked to find out she had accumulated $1,500 in her checking account from babysitting and unused gift money.

We figured we’d better look for something less than $1,000 to leave margin for taxes, the title, the plates, and to leave some left for repairs.  So off we went to hunt for cars with three digit numbers on the windshield.

We found this gem at Hawkeye Auto in Marion waaaay in the back of the lot.  It’s not much to look at, but hey, it’s the inside that counts, right!  Actually, the car is in great shape and has less miles than either of our other two vehicles.  (We may be paying her for mileage on our next trip to New Jersey!)  And she’s excited about having a painting party (yes, using Rustoleum) before her 16th birthday next week.   There’s no risk there–it can only improve the looks!

I’m guessing that most parents are a bit more generous when it comes to their kids and new cars.  And that’s great.  But our philosophy–which we communicated to the girls long ago–is that when the day came that they’d want their own car, they’d need to purchase it themselves.  (Our theory is that they’ll be more aware of their car’s value and therefore more prone to be careful with it.)

For those curious, when she gets her license next week we’re paying to add her to our insurance for our two cars.  But she’s paying for everything pertaining to hers.

[Follow up to this post.  That little car lasted her 4 years (the last two were spent driving back and forth to college in Missouri) after which, she ended up giving it away to a carless kid since her grandparents had a VW Beetle for sale–a deal she couldn’t pass up!]

Being a pastor on salary with no contained work hours, I have always struggled with finding the balance between church and home.  There are always 100 legitimate spiritual needs out there that I could be–and perhaps should be– attending to.  I’m around a lot of teenagers and their parents, many who are lonely, lost, confused, hurting, neglected, needing encouragement, needing cheerleading, needing something.

So how do I find the balance so that in my feeble attempts to meet the needs of others my own kids don’t end up lonely, lost, confused, hurting, neglected etc. ?

While I don’t at all claim to have properly figured out the perfect balance, one thing that has helped us immensely is something Cindy and I started doing when the children were small.  We decided that I would take each of the girls out on a “Daddy Date” at least once a month.   I will say that it’s been one of our best parenting decisions.

I tell my youth sponsors that their proximity to the teenagers will have a direct bearing on their impact.  The same is true with these Daddy Dates, and gets us face to face with our kids and allows opportunity for connection to occur.  It’s during these times that everything else gets set aside and I can focus all my attention and love on my kids.  I remember a phrase I’ve always loved, “Quality Time is an accident that happens during Quantity Time.”  I’ve sure found that to be true.

To foster these Daddy Dates, we started budgeting $20 cash [for each of the girls] in envelopes at the beginning of each month for us to use.  The $20 a month does a couple of things:  It frees us up to do fun things like dinner and a movie, or miniature golf or bowling.  It also provides a gauge to see if we’re skipping our dates:   if the money is accumulating, then it’s obvious I’ve been a negligent dad recently.  And it’s a way to make up for my negligence–if we realize we’ve skipped a month, we now have $40 to spend or once in a great while $60.  It’s also a way to ensure that I treat both girls fairly, since each one has the same amount of resources to use.

The girls and I reminisced recently and here are some of our favorite Daddy Dates from over the years…

Taking them as 4-year-olds to Wal-Mart and letting them push the “kid cart” around the store, wherever they wanted to go– for 2 hours!  Visiting the lobsters, getting a free cookie, cruising the toy dept, always being sure to avoid the lingere dept, “Gross!”

With 6 year old Lexi, spending $10 of the dollars at Chuck-E-Cheeses on Ski Ball, cashing out the earned tickets for a cheap trinket, then driving straight to Wal-Mart and spending the remaining $10 on whatever she wanted–she chose a really nice stuffed animal.  (By the way, that was our last time ever visiting Chuck-E-Cheese’s).

Using our $20 to buy activities:  kites, interactive games, model rockets, puzzles, etc.

Playing tag in the main aisle of Lindale mall with 8 year old Lexi, trying to only hop on the dark tiles, until we got to Victoria’s Secret, whereby Lexi ran over to the window threw up her arms in front of the display and yelled loudly, “Don’t look over here, Daddy.”    She knew my eyes were to be Cindy’s only!  Priceless!

Reading the Narnia books with Lexi at Coffee Smiths.

Catching the midnight shows with Brenda for all three Lord of the Rings movies.

One day Brenda and I randomly bought several sets of little plastic green army guys and made an entire battlefield on our dining room table, with mountains and valleys, just to see Cindy and Lexi’s faces when they came home that night.

Going out to a restaurant (which our family rarely does, except for dates).

Renting a clean movie and fixing microwave popcorn.

So as you can see, I’ve been a big advocate of Daddy Dates.  But over the past week, I’ve decided that it’s time for a change and so I talked to Cindy about it.   So last night, I called a family meeting and made a proclamation to our family that it’s time for a change in the whole “dating” arena.  The girls sat wondering what it would be.  My presentation went something like this:

“Your mom and I have concluded that Daddy Dates are no longer sufficient.  We need to make a change.   So starting soon, we’re going to implement a new strategy into our family.  It’s called…Sibling Dates.   Now that Brenda is about to get her license, your mom and I have decided that it’s time to add another “dating” envelope:  for the two of you kids.  You’ll get $20 a month that we want you to spend together.  We want to encourage you to grow in your enjoyment of one another.”

So that’s our plan.  The girls thought it was a good idea!  It’s going to cost us $240 a year, but it seems to me to be a small price to pay for what I know will be great relational returns.  It’ll be a lot of bang for the buck!

(Incidentally, Cindy and I have been doing weekly Couple Dates long before we had kids.  That’s been another huge blessing to our marriage and family, but that’s the subject of another post.)

[Follow-up to this post.  Our “Sibling Date” concept worked amazingly well!   Our girls were not especially close prior to this time but looking back ten years later, we can point to this new practice as having made a turning point in their relationship, bringing them closer together.]

Yesterday, Pastor Erin preached a great sermon about living in the sweet spot which balances grace and truth.   He shared how some of us are wired to be more harsh, or “truth oriented” and others naturally are overly “grace oriented” so that we relax our standards.

It made me think of my favorite parenting books, “Parenting with Love and Logic” and “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic,” which you’ll see me refer to often in this blog.   Love relates to “grace” and logic relates to “truth”.    Love and logic are needed to counterbalance the other.

The books begin by identifying common parenting tendencies, which sound remarkably similar to what Erin commented on.

In the books, which were written by Jim Fay and Foster Cline, they mention that some parents tend to err on the side of “love” (or “grace”), referring to them as “Helicopter Parents.”   These parents try to rescue their kids all the time, stepping in to make sure they remain happy and comfortable.  They pamper their kids and try not to make waves with them.  They also don’t allow them to get in situations where they may struggle or fail. 

“Drill Sergeant Parents,” on the other extreme, simply bark orders to their kids as a way to make sure they tow the line.  They err on the side of focusing on “truth” too much.  They keep their kids under their thumb, hoping to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Having been a youth pastor for 16 years, I’ve seen firsthand the relational, emotional, and spiritual damage that comes from either style of dysfunctional parenting. 

The Sweet Spot, of course, is exactly in the middle–what the book refers to as a “Love and Logic Parent.”  It’s about finding the style of parenting that perfectly applies truth in the context of grace. 

Pick up a copy from the church library or the bookstore and you’ll soon see why it’s my favorite parenting book!  And in doing so, you’ll make my job easier during your kids’ high school years!

I was invited to come to the Families On Target ABF this past Sunday morning at 9:20 in room 128.  It was a great experience.  If you’re a parent of a teen–and you come on Sunday mornings–this would be a super place to plug in for encouragement, fellowship, and study.  It’s a very friendly class and I felt very welcomed.

The class has been studying the book, “For Parents Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice.  I was asked to come and offer my perspective on the book.   We had some great interaction over the various topics the book covers.

I found the book to be very good and I found that I learned new things about understanding teens.  The subtitle aptly sums up the content:  “Getting inside the head of your kid.”  The authors surveyed hundreds of teenagers, asking them questions that help us adults to enter their world.

The easy-to-read book has chapters about kids’ thirst for independence, need for security, quest for identity, and need to be listened to and understood.  It also revealed how we as parents are often misunderstood.  It was helpful for me to see a little better through their eyes.

Despite the book title “For Parents Only” my apparently rebellious daughter Brenda picked it up and read the chapter on “Listening.”  She loved it, saying it was dead-on.   We had a good conversation about it.  This chapter taught me how much teens crave to have their feelings validated before any advice is given–something I needed to hear.   I even used this awareness today as I replied to a teen who was despairing about something via email.

So if you’re looking for a simple book that opens your eyes to the world of your teen, I recommend this book highly.

I want to share Two Powerful Words I learned years ago from my friend Brian Carroll that every parent should know and use.  But first: one word not to use.

When parents use the word “why” it almost always backfires, resulting in defensiveness, anger and frustration. 

• Billy, why are you so disrespectful to me? 
• Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
• Jake, why did you skip out on youth group last week?

“Why” makes teens feel interrogated and not trusted and they immediately get defensive.  That’s why I suggest replacing “why” with these Two Powerful Words: “Observe” and “Curious”.    Here’s how they would work in the above illustrations.

• Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to do the dishes.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way. 
• Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m curious, what do you think is causing you to treat him that way?
• Jake, Pastor Mark noticed that you’ve been skipping out of youth group after worship on Wednesdays.  If that’s true, I’m wondering, what do you think it is that is compelling you to do that?

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.  

Do you see how throwing out “why” and using “observe” and “curious” (or their equivalents) can help?  They’re not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding.  They help us learn what makes our teen tick.  They communicate to our kids that their feelings, motivations, and perspectives are valid and that you want to know them more than you want to change them.  They force us to delay judgment and discipline until after we’ve gained understanding.  These words force us to be students of our students.   They help build a relational bridge with our kids rather than an impenetrable wall of opposition. 

Do I observe some skepticism as you read this?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying it!

It was an accident, so I couldn’t get too upset–after all, I’ve caused worse accidents!  But Lexi was clearly upset, bawling and calling herself “stupid.”

I remained in my chair, waiting until she cooled down,  Then I called her over to come to sit in my lap.  I asked her how she felt about the whole hot chocolate incident.

“I feel like an idiot,” she whimpered sadly.  “I’m so clumsy.”

“That did make quite a mess,” I said, pointing out the various areas that now were spotted with brown.  “And I’m sure Mom won’t go for the new look.”  So I said, “Let me ask you this,  would you feel like less of an idiot if I cleaned up your mess or if you did?”

“I’d feel like more of an idiot if you had to clean up my mess.”

“Of course, you would.   People feel even worse when they cause extra work for others, don’t they?  That makes a lot of sense. ”

“Yea, but Dad, this mess is way too messy.  I could never clean it up.”  This thought started her bawling again.

Squeezing her tight, I said, “What if I believed you could clean it up all by yourself!  We have a really cool carpet shampooer and I’m sure you’re old enough to use it.  How about if I teach you how to do it?   Shall we give it a try?”

“I guess so.”

So I brought the machine upstairs and showed her, step by step, how to fill the shampoo tank in the sink and empty the dirty one into the toilet; how to spray, scrub, and vacuum the sofa and carpet.  And then, for the next hour and a half, while I resumed my World Magazine reading, Lexi went to work on the chocolate stains one at a time–all by herself.   She did the carpet and then the sofa, and she kept going–she even cleaned under all the cushions and then did the other sofa that wasn’t even baptized by cocoa.  Lexi cleaned things we’ve never cleaned before.  Her despair had turned to joy–she was obviously loving it!

I tell you all this because one of our key parenting principles is that kids must eventually learn to solve their own problems.  Too often we parents make their problems ours.  Either we rescue them (helicopter parents) or we belittle them (drill sergeants).   By giving them the responsibility to fix their own problems we honor them and treat them as contributors, rather than simply dependents.  At such times we should not rescue but empower.

And they may learn some new life skills as well.  In fact, just before bedtime, I caught her on the computer printing something out.  This is what it said.

CARPET CLEANER BUSINESS

Lexi Forstrom is going too start a carpet cleaning business starting Nov 9-Dec 15.  Probably 10-20 dollars per appointment.

She will bring:

Her own carpet cleaner   /   Her own supplies

You will need to provide:

A bathroom with a toilet  /   An adult there

Your time  /   Something to clean.

She will clean:

Carpeted Couches  /   Carpet

Carpeted chairs. /   Etc. If you tell her first.

For more information call 393-0415.

In many homes, a cup of spilled hot chocolate would result in frustration, anger, yelling, tempers, and words.  In our “fix your own mess” home that spilled cup might result in a promising career!