My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 5 of 7)

A word I would like to erase from a parent’s vocabulary.

Parents:  choose carefully the words you use when talking to your kids.  There is one word in particular that I would like to ban from a parent’s vocabulary.  I have no doubt that by using it parents are well-meaning and trying to be helpful, but I want to draw to your attention how I’ve seen the use of this word create lifelong, relational gaps between parents and their grown children.

What is the word?  “Disappointed.”   As in “I’m very disappointed in you, young man.”

I understand that parents are using this word as a way to express their displeasure at a child’s behavior — in hopes of correcting it.  But the problem is that the child hears something the parents likely don’t intend.  They hear  “You’re a disappointment to me.”   It becomes about the child’s worth as a person, rather than about a poor choice he made or a parent’s unmet expectation.  It’s the same as saying, “You’re never good enough for me” or “You don’t measure up to my expectations” or “You’ll never amount to anything.”

I’m not suggesting parents can’t comment on a child’s poor behavior or unmet expectations.  I’m not saying parents should stuff their feelings.  I also admit that it can be motivating for kids to know that their parent doesn’t like what they did.  But what I am saying is that when parents express disapproval of behaviors they need to be very careful to keep behavior and personal worth separate, affirming their relationship and affection for the child.

Why am I so adamant about this?  Because I’ve heard story after story from grown children who are grieving over the way their parents have always been disappointed in them.  One college-age girl recently said to me on the phone, “I wish I could tell my mom what I’m thinking about here at college, but I can’t — because I know she won’t approve of me.  I’m such a disappointment to her.”  Some adult kids have told me they dread coming home to their parents’ house.  Some won’t even talk to their parents anymore — it’s just too painful.  I once taught a parenting class at our local pregnancy support center and and not one of the twelve there could share of a single incident where they felt their parents affirmed them as people.  How sad.

So my encouragement is for parents to take more care in how they express concern over a child’s choices or unmet expectations.  Try a script like this:  “I’m glad I’m your dad even though you did something that I didn’t like.  I want you to know that my love for you doesn’t change a bit because of this.  I believe in you and in your ability to make good choices in life.  How about we talk about this some more over some ice cream?”

You won’t be disappointed!

What was it like to give Bren away?

I’ll never forget the day Bren was born.   Holding her for the first time I was completely smitten!  I was captivated — and indeed overwhelmed — by the realization that she was mine.  This perfect, beautiful, baby girl was given by God to me!  I relished the thought that I was to be her sole protector and provider.

Admiring her precious newborn body, my eyes came to rest on her tiny fingers.  When my glance landed upon her left ring finger I distinctly remember welling up with tears of sadness, dreading the day some man would snatch her away from me.

 

Photo by Clayton Besong

Photo by Clayton Besong

 

8,047 days later, I walked that same little girl down a long aisle to give her away to Tim.  This moment — like the previous — was accompanied by tears, but these were not tears of sadness, but rather joy.

The ease with which I gave her away to Tim would have shocked my “new dad” self of 22 years ago.  How did I attain this ability to hand her over so readily, something which was formerly unthinkable?  This is what I want to reflect on today.

  1. The primary reason I could let her go, I think, was my gradual realization over the years that most of what I used to claim as my own was really not mine at all.  I came to see that all of the people and things in my life are mere temporary entrustments, not entitlements. These I should steward well and cherish dearly, but never presume they would always be mine to keep.  I’ve tried to remind myself of this in my prayers for my family, “…that I would shepherd and treasure them more and more, yet hold them looser and looser.”  I think this practice of “holding loosely” has helped me in numerous ways over the years including dealing with my birth-mom’s death and letting both girls leave home to go off to college.  It wasn’t unusual for my family to hear these words from me: “I don’t need you….but I sure do want you!”  They understood.
  2. Another reason for my change of perspective I think has to do with my growing pursuit of contentment.  I’m learning to trust God with what He brings my way and not make demands of him for the future.  In that sense I want to fully live in the present, not in the past or in the future.
  3. I’m pretty sure that on that first day with Bren I was entirely focused on what was best for me.  That has changed.  As I’ve gotten to know her and love her for who she is and learn of her passions and interests and loves it motivates me to focus on what’s best for her.  My delight is now wrapped up in hers, so giving her to Tim was a joy.  The tears I shed on her wedding day were not from a sense of my loss, but rather came from the realization of how much we mean to each other and how excited I was for her future with T.
  4. Additionally, it helped a lot that B chose a godly young man who I am confident will protect and provide for her as well as I ever could have.  And knowing that her dream is to someday move to a needy and potentially hostile country somewhere on the other side of the world it’s nice to know she’ll have her own bodyguard!
  5. Finally, the Frozen song “Let it Go” had a huge influence on my ability to release her to Tim’s care.  Nope, that one’s a lie.

You CAN be a friend to your kid.

A common adage in parenting circles insists that you shouldn’t be a friend to your kid.  The thought is that being your kid’s friend will somehow usurp all your parental authority and your kid will not respect any of your rules.

I disagree.   I think we should try to be friends with our kids.

The fallacy in the argument above is the assumption that you have to choose between being a friend and being an authority.  That’s a fool’s choice.  What if you could do both!

Indeed we can be both friends and authorities.  I have a lot of friendships that transcend lines of authority.  Pastor Kim Pagel is my supervisor and am one of his direct reports, yet I consider him one of my closest friends.  Going the other direction, I’m the boss of my admin as well as the high school youth leaders and the students themselves, yet many of them are dear friends of mine.  Similarly, I’m the head of our home and thus given the primary responsibility of leadership, yet in spite of this, my wife, Cindy and I are best friends.  In all of these relationships there is no correlation between friendship and authority.  So it makes no sense to insist that kids will necessarily rebel against parents who are friends.

Next I’d like to clarify what I mean by “friendship.”  The kind of friend I’m talking about in this discussion involves much more than hanging out, kicking back, and feeling good.  True friendship delights in the other person and invests time getting to know who he or she really is on the inside.  A true friend — what I call a “Becoming-Good Friend” — shows genuine interest in the well-being of the other person, engages in heart-to-heart conversations about things that matter, utilizes tough love when needed, and gives constructive feedback.  A true friend cares even more about the other person’s well being than they do about being liked.  People end up better off due to friends like this.

Sounds a lot like the job description of a good parent to me!

Of course, many parents attempt to be “Feel Good Friends” to their kids.  They try to “buddy up” to their kids as a way to build their own self-esteems, to attain a status of “cool” in the eyes of the kids, to avoid conflicts with their kids, or to fill some void in their inner world.  Trying to be BFFs with your kids seems very unhealthy — as well as unwise!

So on the one hand, don’t believe the age-old adage that says you can’t be friends with your kids.  And on the other hand, don’t follow the faulty friendship pursuits of those trying too hard to be a their kid’s Feel-Good Friend.

Instead, consider investing in a true friendship with your kids, which starts with time together, listening, understanding, loving, delighting, and helping them grow.

Counting your kids among your friends is a blessing worth pursuing.   If you don’t believe me, just ask my friends — I mean my children!

Letting teens solve their own problems

One thing that I’ve learned recently is that the older our kids get, the more we have to exert influence more than control.  Influence involves heart to heart conversations in the context of a mutually respectful relationship.  Control is focused on managing behaviors.

Controlling behaviors is needed when the kids are young, but there comes a point when we are wise to relinquish control and instead, appeal to them as capable adults.

I learned this firsthand one winter with one of our daughters.  She’d been leaving cosmetics all over the bathroom sink that we all share and I was starting to get very annoyed by it.  So I implemented “cosmetic jail”, which I thought was clever.  I’d simply confiscate the misplaced cosmetics each day and then she’d have to pay a fine out of her allowance to redeem them.  “Toy Jail” had worked great when the kids were small so this made a lot of sense.

What I didn’t consider was that I was using a child’s tactic on an adult.  The result was that I made her feel insulted.  I learned the hard way that I should have just sat down with her in a good moment and expressed my frustration about the mess and asked her what she could do to solve this problem.  That would have gone over much better and the sink would have cleaned itself up without my mandating new policies.

As our kids age, the more we need to give them the opportunity to solve the problems they create.  If they can’t solve it or refuse to do so, then we can sure intervene.  But let’s give our older kids the chance to fix things on their own first.

How to Impress the Girl’s Dad

It was Monday, September 15th.

The Title in the subject line was “Courtship”.  The sender was unknown to me, but still I knew immediately that this email was going to change our lives.  I was right.

“Dear Mr. Forstrom,” it began.  And it ended just as simply,  “-Tim Pierce”.

The rest of what Tim wrote was so impressive that I’m going to blog about it as a model for how to impress a girl’s dad.  I can’t speak for all dads, but it sure impressed this dad!  Perhaps other guys could learn from his example. He gave me permission to share his letter, so here are 8 things that impressed me…

1. How he described himself.   “Please allow me to briefly introduce myself. My name is Timothy Pierce, saved by the grace of God, raised in a large Christian family, and now a senior at SEMO in Engineering Physics. I grew up in southeast Missouri and now live in Cape and attend Cape Bible Chapel where God has allowed me to be involved in several different ministry opportunities.”  I liked that his identity was first defined by his faith and church and ministry involvement.

2. His purpose for writing. “The reason why I am contacting you is to begin a dialogue with you in pursuit of permission to begin courting your daughter Brenda.”  There was no presumptuousness in his statement.  He wasn’t telling me what he was going to do, rather he was requesting to dialogue with me about the topic of him potentially courting Brenda.  I felt very honored by this.

3. His description of how he knows Brenda. “We met in our very first class of our very first semester. However, it was not really until last semester via Perspectives, music at church, small groups, etc. that we really became friends and got to know each other very well at all.”

4. His description of what attracted him to Brenda.  “I deeply respect her relationship with Jesus and commitment to the Word as being very strong and real.She exhibits a high level of maturity and humility that I find rare among young Christian women. Her testimony among other believers and leaders in this area is very God-honoring. I have very much enjoyed getting to know her and have already found myself personally challenged by her example.”  I’ve said before — and even blogged about it — that I always hoped a boy would be attracted to my daughters’ character above all else.  This is the kind of boy I’d always hoped my daughters would attract.

5. His direction in life.  “We also have a lot of common ground in terms of [overseas service].”   Knowing that Brenda has become convinced that she’s supposed to serve God overseas, it was important for me to hear that he is interested in the same thing.  Had he not said this, he would have seemed to be a diversion to her overseas commitments.  I would later learn that they both independently developed a heart for northwest Africa.

6. His description of how he decided to pursue her.  “Now, through much prayer, scripture, consideration, fasting, and counsel of others I feel that God is leading me to move forward.”  This may have been the most impressive thing in the whole letter.  He was taking this very seriously.  I don’t know of very many young men who would go to so much effort to discern God’s leading.  Fasting particularly stood apart.  That’s serious!

7. His coming to me before even telling Brenda he wanted a relationship with her.  “Brenda does not know that I am contacting you. I have never said anything to her about a relationship, and I have never taken her out on a date (or anyone else for that matter).”   Wait, so you’re telling me before even telling her?  Wow.  Never heard of anything like this, but I can’t think of a better way to impress this dad!   This statement also told me that his writing me was genuine, in other words, Brenda didn’t put him up to this (“If you really want to impress my dad, do this…”) Obviously he’s naturally impressive!   He continued, “God laid it on my heart to obtain your permission and blessing, and to come to a mutual understanding of the meaning and boundaries of the relationship before pursuing her.”  Wow.  I am being invited to help them define their relationship and help them set boundaries.  It’s like I just won the lottery.

8. His waiting upon me to respond.  “I look forward to hearing from you as you feel led to respond, and until then I will be waiting and praying!”

How impressed was I?  Very.  Part of me wanted to reply, “No, you may NOT court her….let’s dispense with those formalities….just go ahead and marry her please.”

An alternative to teenage dating.

Since it’s a topic that affects our youth ministry, I’ve decided to put my thoughts on Teenage Dating in writing.  I don’t expect most people to agree with my views, but I do feel it might be useful for me to present them in case they might be beneficial to anyone.

I have been observing the teenage dating culture for the past 29 years that I’ve been in youth ministry and this has given me a unique vantage point for formulating my views.

I’ll start by saying right up front that I’m not “anti-dating” and I don’t judge anyone who chooses to date. Dating couples have my blessing and I really hope things work out well for them. In fact, I have known several dating couples in youth group over the years whose relationship I greatly respect. And I’ve even had the privilege of officiating at a few of their weddings!

But in my observation, for every one dating success story there are dozens that can only be described as “epic fail”. To me, teenage dating puts a couple on a precarious path along the edge of a cliff! Almost all of them fall off the cliff at some point and then there’s a huge relational mess to clean up at the bottom. The longer they’ve ascended that path before falling, the greater the damage. Very few make it to the top of the hill.

I feel like far too much of youth ministry is spent cleaning up the messes left from dating (the drama, the depression, the gossip, the revenge, people choosing sides, “I’m not coming if he’s here,” etc.) So if you ever sense my hesitation at the news of another dating couple, that’s why. I’ve been conditioned by experience to predict that most will end in grief — and that grief will affect us all.

Criticism alone isn’t useful, so I want to present a positive alternative to dating at the end of this post. But before I do that, let me describe more fully what concerns me about these typical dating relationships.

MY OBSERVATIONS ABOUT TRADITIONAL DATING.

■ Getting a bf or gf is often driven by feelings, the need for self-acceptance, or social approval.
■ They experience pressure from friends to have a bf or gf in order to fit in.
■ Many students feel they “need” a bf or gf in order to function and their whole sense of well-being revolves around this.
■ They sometimes even experience pressure from parents to have a good looking bf or gf (I wonder if having “datable” kids makes parents feel more successful?)
■ The relationship usually begins with trying to impress the other person and trying to win him or her over, but the real person remains hidden behind a mask.
■ The relationship is formalized by asking the other to “go out” — which is an undefined, temporary pseudo-commitment or contract of sorts. In reality the promise made is basically “I’ll be somewhat loyal to you for now.”
■ This pseudo-commitment necessitates “Defining the Relationship” continually.
■ They rely on words like “I love you” and “in a relationship” Facebook statuses and use pet names, flirting, teasing, good looks, and immodesty. These are shallow ways to try to keep the relationship secure.
■ Life is much more stressful, complicated, and dramatic with so much riding on the status of the relationship.
■ The more confident partner often discovers he or she has power and control over the more insecure one. Sometimes this turns into manipulation, with the more vulnerable one pressured to please the other so as not to lose the relationship.
■ The couple often gets preoccupied with the relationship which makes other things suffer (like grades or church).  Texting continuously keeps them hooked on one another 24/7.
■ The pursuit of God often takes a backseat to the pursuit of each other.
■ They tend to become a clique of two, isolating themselves from others.
■ Their isolation presents more opportunities for physical temptation and compromise.
■ They pursue intimacy (emotionally physically, and spiritually) without awareness that one type of intimacy often leads to the others.
■ Jealousy often occurs in others who wish to “lay claim” to the bf or gf.
■ It becomes awkward to speak with or enjoy friendships with those of the opposite sex.
■ Old friends frequently become neglected and hurt, having been replaced by the bf or gf.
■ The couple often withdraws from family to spend excessive time together.
■ They often feel a sense of entitlement over the other person’s time, attention, and body.
■ It easily focuses on “getting” rather than “giving”. This is a consumer mindset so common in our culture.
■ Dating costs a lot of time, money, and emotional investment, making it harder to get out if it’s become unhealthy.
■ When one partner habitually pays for the other’s expenses, it creates a sense of “IOU” which can lead to manipulation.
■ Dating couples often become preoccupied with thoughts of their future life together and miss enjoying the present.
■ Many dating partners continuously check up on what the other person is doing — which indicates insecurity and control. This smothers the other person and robs them of freedom.
■ Breaking up is hard to do. Many of them experience great heartbreak and sometimes even depression when they break up. Both suffer, but the one who cared the most ends up the most wounded.
■ They often end up with much regret over having invested so much time, emotion, and money in what turned out to be only a temporary relationship.
■ It gets very awkward after a breakup. They don’t know how to relate to their Ex or their Ex’s friends.
■ Friends often take sides after a breakup, causing divisions and wounds which can last for years and destroy unity.

Whew!

Can dating happen without these red flags or pitfalls?  Certainly.  I’ve seen it firsthand.  But can anyone deny that these concerns I’ve listed are very very common? I’m guesing, “No”.  Overall, the world of teenage dating is a mess! Our youth group has been adversely affected at various times over the years by the fallout of dating-gone-bad as described above. People have even quit coming to church over such things. Do you see why traditional dating makes me a little squeemish?

SO WHAT’S MY ALTERNATIVE? FRIENDATIONSHIP!

Instead of blindly conforming to the world’s custom of dating, what if guys and girls could experience something entirely different — with none of the consequences and almost all of the benefits! I’ve seen a few counter-cultural teenagers over the years who have modeled what I’m about to describe and they’ve earned my respect. I don’t know of a name for this kind of relating, so I’m going to use one my friend Erin proposed. Let’s call it “Friendationship.”

Friendationship — to me — is when a guy and a girl enjoy a healthy friendship without any of the negatives listed above. Like any normal friendship, they spend time getting to know each other. The friendship just happens slowly over time with no pretense. As their natural friendship grows, they find that they enjoy being together and so they naturally spend more time together. Their time together is often spent with others and in groups and with families in a variety of setting (missions trips, etc). They may go on occasional dates but these are not the substance of their relational time.  They may freely go on dates with others as well — it’s not “cheating” because such dates do not infer commitment. In fact, they likely have several friendationships going on simultaneously as they connect socially people of the opposite sex.  This helps them learn what qualities they like or don’t like in members of the opposite sex.  The friendationship may grow closer or futher apart over time, but this happens naturally and mutually and without a lot of stress or emotional turmoil. Their emotional health never hinges on “where they stand.” It’s impossible for them to “break up” because no “contract” was ever made regarding their status. They don’t need or rely on “I love you’s,” labels (BFF), exchanging of tokens, etc. They don’t need to “define the relationship” much at all except to learn ways to be a better friend to the other. These teens find no shame in their Facebook status of “single” because they fully enjoy living freely rather than enter the world of “it’s complicated”. They purposefully avoid dwelling on thoughts of romantic relationships or marriage, recognizing that those decisions are many years away and can wait. They recognize that they must restrain themselves from getting too close, keeping intimacy at a healthy level. They guard their hearts and work hard to be accountable and to keep their feelings in check, knowing that now is not the time to explore those areas. Their lives revolve around God, not each other. Their pursuit of God exceeds their pursuit of romance. They keep their natural sex drives under control by choosing to avoid pornography, steamy romance novels and sensually-charged entertainment. They patiently trust God to provide for their needs and their future — in His time.

THE OUTCOME OF FRIENDATIONSHIP.

Over time the guy and girl may end up being somewhat distant friends, great friends, or maybe even best friends — all are good options! Friendships just happen and they are to be enjoyed when they do.

After the couple leaves their teen years (for most, not all) and when they know themselves better and have their life direction and financial means figured out, then they can begin focusing on choosing a marriage partner. This is the time to leave the Friendationship Stage and enter what many refer to as the “courtship” stage of life, or “God-centered dating”.  But unlike other courtship models, this stage implies a formal pursuit of marriage with the person who has already become your best friend — the one you’ve figured out you can’t live without!  It’s true that love can be blind, so you’ll also have an added safeguard — the confirmation of others.  Your friendationship has been on display for everyone around you to observe so if you’re obviously well-matched the decision for the two of you to pursue marriage will become a social mandate!  You’ll hear comments like “When are the two of you going to start pursuing marriage?”

CONCLUSION.

I think seven of the most precarious words in the teenage world are, “Will you go out with me…yes!” Those few words instantly set them upon that precarious path up the hill along the cliff. At that point there are only two possible outcomes of such an arrangement:  a painful break-up (likely) or marriage (unlikely). I think teenagers would be wise to avoid placing themselves in such a vulnerable position and focus instead on developing healthy Friendationships.

That’s my conclusion for you to consider. I’d love to hear your feedback and comments!

ONE FINAL WORD OF CLARIFICATION.

Regardless of whether you are doing traditional dating or seeking a Friendationship, I think it’s important to be sure to communicate your relationship intentions so the person you’re relating to doesn’t have different expectations. If you’re simply pursuing a healthy friendationship make that very clear so the other person doesn’t read romantic intentions into your friendly behavior. If you choose a dating relationship, talk about what that does or doesn’t mean.

Girls, who often crave security, are prone to having their hearts wounded by false expectations of commitment, so guys take the lead and be clear about what kind of relationship you are initiating.

Immediate Consequences for child discipline? Worst idea ever!

Upset Senior Woman with The Wooden Spoon Isolated on a White Background.This is a reposting of an essay I wrote back in 2014.  I feel as strongly now about it as I did then, in fact, I often share this concept when counseling parents.   With slight revisions, here is the post…

 

Somehow, most of grew up with the idea that when it to disciplining our kids, we must implement immediate consequences.  Except in the case of toddlers, I totally disagree.

The concept of immediate consequences corresponds to the behavior modification approach taught in psychology.  Ivan Pavlov effectively learned to train dogs this way, using immediate consequences and rewards as part of his classical conditioning.  But think about children’s brains are vastly different from those of dogs!  Kids are capable of reflecting on the past, anticipating what may happen in the future, and utilizing reason–things that dogs just can’t do.   With kids, immediate consequences are counter-productive.

Let’s say your kid…

  • draws in marker on his bedroom wall.
  • or throws something in anger and breaks your TV.
  • or comes in a half hour late from curfew.
  • or has alcohol on his breath.

Here are four reasons why immediate consequences would create additional negative consequences.

  1. First of all, we’d be implementing a consequence at a time when we’re likely red-hot with anger. The chances of us thinking objectively at this point is remote.  We might be unreasonably harsh or we might impulsively implement a punishment that would be counter-productive.
  2. If we would be visibly steamed while implementing the consequence, the child would perceive that the consequence was motivated by vengeance rather than reasonableness, concern, and care.  His perception of you will be “Son, you just made us really mad, so now we’re going to do something to make you really mad.”  Such a perception will divert the kid’s attention away from the actual problem (his behavior), to a something else (the hot-headedness of his parent.)  He will likely scapegoat you, rather than take responsibility for his actions.
  3. We’d be putting a consequence in place at a time when our kids are also angry, worked up, or dealing with their own feeling of guilt.  In such a condition, they wouldn’t be able to listen well, think objectively, or articulate well, so it would be pointless to enact a consequence at that moment. Once everyone had calmed down they would be better able to ascertain what went wrong and how to make things right.
  4. Lastly, we’d be having to make a quick, impulsive, knee-jerk, on-the-fly reaction to the misbehavior.  There would be no time to slow down and understand what actually went wrong and contemplate what response might the most constructive.  There would be no time to consult with other sources of parental wisdom.

All of this leads to the solution:  Immediate Acknowledgement with Delayed Consequences. 

The formula is simple:

  1. Acknowledge that some unacceptable behavior just occurred.
  2. Buy yourself some time by informing the child that a consequence is coming, but that you’ll need time to think about what consequence would be best.

Here are some examples of how this might sound.

“Billy, the way you just spoke to me felt very disrespectful and I’m not ok with that.  Something needs to be done about this and I’m going to take some time to figure out what to do about it.  I’ll talk to your dad as well as some others and get their input and when we’ve reached my decision we’ll get back to you.  But try not to worry about it.”

“Sally, the damage you caused my car by your irresponsibility is going to need fixing.  I’m pretty angry right now, but I’m going give myself some time to cool off and talk to some other parents and then I will figure out what would be a fair way to respond.  I’ll get back to you.  But try not to worry about it.”

“Jane, you told us you’d be home at 11 pm and it’s now 12:15 when you’re walking in the door.  We’ve been frightened and scared for the past hour and we’re honestly pretty steamed right now. It’s enough for us to say that we’ll be giving thought to what the consequences for this should be and we’ll get back to you.  I’m glad you’re safe and I love you, but let’s all go to bed and we’ll talk about this tomorrow.  ”

MY STORY.

My favorite illustration of the value of “Immediate Acknowledgement with a Delayed Consequence” happened when I was a youth pastor.  One night during youth group, I was informed of the misbehavior of a couple of students who had been caught sneaking away from the group.  I pulled them aside afterward, and explained how their behavior was entirely unacceptable, but that I was unsure how best to respond.  There would be a consequence, I told them, but I needed to think if over to make sure it was fair.  I told them I’d get back to them as soon as I figured out what to do.  A day or so later, I got a beautiful FB message from one of the kids, sincerely apologizing what what they put me through and explaining that they had talked together about their misbehavior and wanted me to know of their commitment for it to never happen again.  They humbly expressed how they had learned their lesson.

Wow!

As the example above shows, delaying the consequences gives the kids time to wrestle with their behavior and sometimes, they end up solving the problem themselves!  In this case, the kids really didn’t need any discipline at all– their apology mended our strained relationship and their commitment to change showed how they had grown from the incident.

  • The unexpected blessing of delayed consequences is this:  during the time-lapse between the acknowledgement and consequence, sometimes the kids do some thinking on their own and take responsibility to solve their own problem.

AN ALTERNATE ENDING TO MY STORY.

Imagine how different things would have been if I had imposed an immediate consequence on those high school kids:

Hot-Headed Mark:  I’m so furious with you two!  Shame on you!  You embarrassed me by sneaking off and misbehaving during youth group.  I expected more from you two.  You’ve broken my trust and that’s going to be really hard to regain.  I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget:  you’re both grounded from youth group for a month and watch it when you come back–I’ll be watching you!

What would their reaction be?  “That Mark Forstrom is such a jerk!  He’s so judgmental.  He doesn’t care about us.  He only cares about himself and his precious reputation.  Fine, he can go ahead and ground us from his stupid youth group.  We don’t want to come anymore anyway! ”

Case made!

So unless you have a dog or a toddler, let’s be careful to avoid immediate consequences and implement delayed consequences instead.

 

The greatest Christmas gift you can give your kids.

We live in a culture consumed with consuming, and at no time is this more obvious than at Christmastime.

Ironically, Jesus–whose birth we celebrate–said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”  Yet, two of the most common questions children are asked this time of year will be “What do you want for Christmas?”  and afterwards, “What did you get for Christmas?”  If Jesus is right, then we have it backwards.

Over the years, we’ve done three things in our home to reorient Christmas toward giving.

First, we simply don’t spend a lot of money on Christmas presents to each other.  We exchange presents that are meaningful, but far from extravagant. We’ve intentionally avoided the treadmill of having to keep up with the coolest and latest–and endless–fads and trends.  (That’s a treadmill that speeds up once you’re on it making it near impossible to ever get off.)  When the girls were young, they would take an annual Christmas Eve trip to the Dollar Store to buy us all gifts.  Of course things have progressed since then, but we still retain the value that it’s “the thought that counts” more than the monetary value or cultural trendiness.

The second thing pertains to the way we opened the presents under our tree.  Rather than delivering presents to the recipients, we delivered them to the giver.  This resulted in each person having a pile of presents next to them reflecting what they had to give.  Then, one-by-one, the family member would present his gift to to the recipient and they both had joy at the opening of the gift.  That way the focus was on the one who gave the gift every bit as much as the one who received it.

The third thing we did in our home to get the focus onto giving was an idea inspired by the excellent book by Randy Alcorn, “Money, Possession, & Eternity.”  It has to do with letting our kids experience the joy of giving generously to those in need.  He suggested we designate money for the kids to give away to worthy causes.

By his advice we decided to take some of the money we would normally give away at Christmastime and allow the girls to direct it to causes they were excited about.  The amount we gave each of them control over was hefty (over 10 times the value of our normal Christmas gifts to them) because we wanted them to experience the blessing of knowing they had changed the world.

They had to research where they wanted the money to be spent and be able to articulate to us why they felt it was important.  This has become our annual tradition–one that we now wished we had heard of long ago instead of when they were teenagers.  Over the years, Brenda and Lexi have purchased water buffaloes for families in Bangladesh, purchased a well in India, supported individual missionaries with whom they had a connection, given to the Advent Conspiracy, local ministries, and more.  The letters of thanks, photos, and reports of how their money was used confirmed to them that they had indeed made the world a better place.

We believe that allowing our kids to experience the blessing of giving will be the best Christmas gift we ever gave them.

What matters most.

This weekeend was our daughter Brenda’s long awaited Piano recital. Fifteen years of piano lessons with her teacher Shirley Hanneman reached their culmination. Brenda rose to the challenge, delighting the audience with selections from Chopin, Debussy, Mozart and more.  The music was quite amazing.  

Afterwards several people came up to me and congratulated me — some almost in tears — commenting on how excited I must be about this day, how amazing she sounded, and how proud I must be of her for her music. 

These sentiments caught me a little off guard, and I wasn’t sure why. While I thoroughly enjoyed the recital, my level of excitement about the music wasn’t what one would expect from a beaming, proud papa. I experienced the same thing an hour later at our other daughter Lexi’s 8th grade Honor Band concert.

Why was I not floating on cloud nine over these noteworthy (pun intended) musical accomplishments of my girls? I needed to reflect a bit on this.  And I did. 

What I’ve concluded is this:  I find tremendous joy and satisfaction in my girls, but the things I treasure most about them have very little to do with their performances, abilities, good grades, and accomplishments.  What thrills me most are the virtues I see being lived out in their character:  a love for serving God, biblical values, the respect and love shown us,  responsibility, integrity, hard work, and good stewardship of what God has given them (including their talents), etc.  

If I were to be a beaming papa (and I always am!) it would be because of their daily character, not because of the talents on display last Saturday.   If both of them retained their character qualities but were tone deaf, had learning disabilities, and were poor students, I would be every bit as satisfied with them. 

Because the stigma of performance and success is not that important to us, we’ve tried never to pressure them towards high achievement.  True, we’ve affirmed them in the use of their talents, but we’ve tried never to pressure them towards greatness.  In fact, if anything, I’ve tried to lower the performance expectations, saying things like “No one can reasonably give 100% to every area of life.”  “Don’t overdo things”,  “Only do as much as is reasonable given your other commitments” and “Be sure you leave enough margin in your life so you can fully enjoy it.”  The fact that they’re achieving such success anyways is actually ironic.  

Equally ironic is my observation that many parents pressure their kids to be highly successful in sports, music, or academics, and inadvertantly cause stress, pressure, and ultimately resentment in their kids.  And in doing so they miss the opportunities to cultivate the positive character qualities and virtues that are so much more important in the long run. 

Am I thrilled that my kids are talented?  Absolutely.  But the talent itself isn’t what matters most.

Giving Up Groceries!

Our family has decided to give up Groceries for a month! Once again this confirms that our family is more than just a little odd! We did, after all, give up electric lights for a whole week last year. And we pulled the plug on our TV almost two years ago.

Here’s what’s going on this time. We had a “family meeting” recently where we talked about the fact that our family spends exactly $500 per month on groceries. (We use the “envelope system”, which always keeps us within our budget). We also talked about the large amount of food we have stored up in our cupboards, fridge and freezers, which would be good to purge. As we talked this question was raised: could we live for a month on the food we already have in our house? I said a resounding “Yes!” — the others weren’t quite as convinced! But we all agreed it was worth a try. With only a slight amount of compromising the challenge was set!

We decided to only buy “essential” groceries (milk, fresh fruit, etc.) and to try to spend as little of the $500 as we can. Whatever money we don’t spend we’ll donate to some ministry that distributes food.

It’s really not been bad at all so far. It’s amazing what food options have been hiding in the back of our cupboards for who knows how long! I’m personally looking forward to the end of the month to see what interesting food combinations we’ll be forced to serve up!

So far we’re a third of the way through the month and we’ve only spent $31. I’ll let you know how it goes as the month progresses!

End of the month report:  We spent a total of $70, enabling us to give $430 towards food for the hungry!

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2025 markforstrom.com

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑