Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 2 of 7)

Scripture affirms the importance of human submission to authority in all its forms:  to God (James 4:6-7), toward church leadership (Heb 13:17), to governments (Romans 13:1-7), within marriages (Col 3:18) and toward parents (Eph 6:1).  According to God’s Word, our obedience to authority is a big deal!

Therefore, as parental authorities, it is our right and responsibility to be an authority to our kids, which often involves telling them what they can and cannot do.  [By the way, in English grammar, telling our kids what they must do is what we call using the “imperative mood.”]

Here are some examples of this imperative approach:  “Sit still”. “Be quiet.”  “Keep your hands to yourself.”  “Eat your peas.” “Clean your room right now.”  “Stop that screaming.”  “Do your homework.”  “Take out the trash.”  “Do the dishes.” “Get out there and mow the yard!!”  Notice how these are not requests, they are commands!

However, when parents use commands too often,

it causes relational problems:

• People universally resist being told what to do all the time — and our kids are no different.  Being ordered around makes one feel small, powerless, disrespected, and at the mercy of others.  This can cause a victim mentality and subsequent resentment toward authority.
• Each time a direct command is given it forces you and your kids into a “battle of the wills.”   The battle will be especially confrontive with kids who are strong-willed, oppositional, or passive-aggressive types.
• Direct commands that are directly resisted by kids create very precarious situations in the home.  If a child has a mind to ignore commands the subsequent battle over compliance will create a lot of negative energy for everyone.
• Every battle has the potential to create lingering resentment and a breakdown of the parent/child relationship.

So we have a dilemma.  On the one hand, Scripture says children need to obey their parents’ commands.  But on the other hand, those very commands can jeopardize having a good relationship with our kids.

The Two-Step Solution: 

1. Choose your battles well–the fewer the better!  Make sure you don’t major on the minors!
2. Replace most of your command-induced-battles with one of my favorite parenting tools of all time:  Enforceable Statements

Enforceable Statements are declarations of decisions that are entirely within the control of parents.  Instead of focusing on what the KID must do, you inform them of what YOU are going to do.  No commanding needed!

Here’s an example,  “At 9 pm, I will be putting all of the toys that are not put away into ‘Toy Jail’, where you may bail them out later if you want.”   Do you see the difference?  Rather than telling the child what to do, the parent is informing the child what the parent will do.  There is nothing to argue about or push back against.  The parent is in control and asserting authority, but there is no opportunity for battle lines to form.

Here’s another example — from our home.  We had a family rule that said, “We allow in our home any pet that you completely pay for and take care of.”  (Notice that this rule is also an Enforceable Statement.”)  Lexi, our youngest daughter owned a cat.  The only part of cat ownership she disliked was changing the kitty litter, so you can imagine the potential this had for weekly household battles over cat poop!  We used the following Enforceable Statement whenever the smell exceeded our acceptable level:  “Lexi, guess what?  Today is kitty litter changing day! If you haven’t changed it by midnight tonight one of us will be happy to change it for you and reimburse ourselves $3 (for our inconvenience) from your next allowance.”  It worked–we got her to faithfully relocate her cat’s poop for a whole decade without the use of a single command!  There were only a few times that she forgot and ended up “hiring” us. Most importantly, in the 10 years that Lexi owned the cat, we never engaged in a single battle or a raised voice over cat poop!

A Few Pointers on how to Craft Good Enforceable Statements.

1. Make them very measurable and clear. “I pay $1 a bag for leaves put in yard bags if done to my satisfaction.”

2. Only give options you’re willing to live with. Don’t say, “I’ll feed you tomorrow if you finish your supper.”

3. Don’t word them as threats, but rather as positive statements and/or rewards.  “I read bedtime stories to kids who treat me with kindness during the day.  Compare the tone of that to “I’m not reading to you because you were so rude to me earlier.”

4. Be gutsy.  The parent must be willing (and courageous enough) to actually enforce what he or she declares.  If a parent says, “I drive kids to soccer practice after school if I felt treated respectfully by them that morning” then the parent must be willing for the kid to miss practice.  Think long-term:  consistency in your enforcement will make them think twice before behaving badly the next time.

5.  No empty threats. If you make an empty threat that you don’t intend to enforce, the child will quickly figure that out — and leave you helpless forever!  Most of us have seen a parent say to their child in the middle of the mall, “Come over here right now or I’m going to leave without you!”  This is a statement the parent has no intention of enforcing.  Not only does this undermine the parent’s authority and make enforceable statements a joke,  it would also undermine a young child’s basic sense of security and trust.

Examples of Enforceable Statements

Here are a bunch of examples of Enforceable Statements that some friends and I brainstormed for different ages of kids; this will give you some ideas of how these work in day to day life.  Consider how these might reduce commanding, scolding and nagging in the home.

Early Childhood

• I’ll serve your food as soon as you are buckled in your booster seat.
• I allow children to be at the table as long as they’re not throwing food on the floor.
• I respond to requests from those who 1. put it in the form of a question, 2. use the word, “Please” and 3. use a pleasant tone of voice.
• I provide “big girl pants” to children who are potty trained.
• I close the door when children scream.  I open it when they are quiet.
• My ears are special — they don’t recognize the sound of whining, so if it seems like I’m not responding to you sometimes, that must be why.
• The car is leaving in 10 minutes.  You may walk or I can carry you.  You may be dressed or you can go to school in your jammies.
• I make disappear all toys that are thrown.
• I give treats to children who share their toys with others.
• I read TWO stories at bedtime to children who have shown extra kindness to others during the day.

• Elementary
• I will pay the babysitter a tip — an “inconvenience fee” — from the allowances of disrespectful children.
• I charge two dollars a minute to listen to fighting in the car.  You may pay me with cash, confiscated toys, or extra chores.”
• I will serve supper until 7 pm.  After that you’ll have to wait until breakfast to eat or eat PB&J.
• I’ll provide you with a meal of my choosing, which you must eat without complaining — if you don’t like what I serve feel free to eat leftovers .  When you cook, I’ll promise not to complain and if I don’t like what you serve I’ll eat leftovers.
• I don’t allow pets to be mistreated.  If I feel they are being neglected or abused I will find a new home for them.
• (depending on the kind of pet) I’m giving you complete responsibility for your pets. If you neglect them and they die, it will be your problem and on your conscience.
• I provide doors to kids who don’t slam them.
• I provide desserts and sweets to kids who brushed the sugar off of their teeth last night.
• I’ll be happy to take you shopping as soon as your chores are done to my satisfaction.
• I’ll wash any clothes that are put in the hamper.
• I’ll consider any dishes that aren’t rinsed and in the dishwasher to be considered by you to be reusable, so that’s what I’ll use in serving your next meal or beverage.
• I lend money to those who have collateral.
• I will match you dollar for dollar for birthday presents you purchase for your friends.
• We allow kids to have electronic devices as long as they check them in with us each night before bed. We’ll return them in the morning as long as there are no problems.
• I drive to practice those who behave pleasantly in the car.
• I made an adjustment to my car.  The gas pedal now only works when there’s LOVE in the car!  I’ll be happy to pull over and read my book if I’m not feeling love.
• I’ll provide the power cord for the wifi router whenever chores are done to my satisfaction.
• I’ll pay for sports for those who show good sportsmanship on and off the field.
• I charge 50 cents a mile for extra driving caused by your negligence.
• I’ll pay for music lessons for those who practice in between time.
• I’m going to mow the lawn at 7 pm.  Any toys that are in the yard at that time will either be mowed or sent to “Toy Jail” at my discretion.
• I’ll enter the parental control password to the cable tv when you’ve finished all your homework.

• Pre-teens / Teens
• I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
• I’ll be glad to discuss this when I feel I’m being treated respectfully.
• I pay show choir expenses for those who treat me like a celebrity.
• I pay sports team expenses for those who treat me like a superstar.
• I’ll pay for lessons for one thing at a time (sports, music, etc.)
• I don’t call in excused absences for procrastination.
• I write school notes that are truthful.  “Lexi is arriving late to school today because apparently she needs more than 4 alarm clocks.”
• I impound possessions of those who owe me money until the amount is paid. If need be I will sell those items on ebay or at a pawn shop to repay myself what you owe me.
• I’ll pay you $10 per hour for time you spend diligently working through the Smart Prep (ACT preparation) course.
• I’ll pay $6 per book report you get done in June, $3.50 for ones done in July; or $2.00 for ones done in August (to combat procrastination)
• I’ll pay 75% of all your church trip expenses; 50% of all school expenses.
• I’m happy to help you with homework until 10 pm, after which time I’m going to bed.
• I provide internet for those who use it responsibly, have accountability software installed, and who provide all passwords.
• I’ll pay for a phone for you after you’ve first paid for replacement insurance.
• I’ll allow you to have a smart phone, as long as you report to me any apps you’ve installed, given me a “tour” of them, and provided their passwords to me.
• I will make random inspections of your apps to verify your trustworthiness, but I promise not to snoop through your private messages unless you give me reason to doubt your truthfulness or your judgment.
• I’ll install pornography protection software on my own computer and designate your mother to receive reports of my internet use just like I will expect from you.
• I provide electricity to the rooms of those whose music doesn’t disturb other family members.
• I provide 10 minutes worth of free hot water.  After that I charge $1 a minute, deducted from your allowance.
• I allow kids to go out at night who come home when they say they will.
• I will be comfortable letting you go on solo dates when you’ve convinced me I don’t have to worry about you giving in to physical temptations.
• I will be comfortable letting you go to school parties when I am convinced you are responsible enough to avoid substance use temptations.
• I will be comfortable letting you go to a stranger’s house party when their parents have convinced me there won’t be drugs or alcohol present.
• I will provide dishes to those who properly rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.  Others may purchase their own paper plates, or eat off the tabletop (which will need cleaning afterwards).
• I’ll let you drive my car by yourself as soon as you’ve paid me a deposit in the amount of our insurance deductible.
• I’ll be happy to let you use the car as long as you convince me that I don’t have to worry about you using alcohol.
• I’ll be willing to let you stay out late on a school night as long as I’m convinced it won’t be detrimental to your school performance.
• I’ll make exceptions to the normal “curfew” when you’ve convinced me there’s a good reason for it and that I don’t have to worry about what you’re doing.

• Young Adults
• I’ll help pay for college for those who don’t smoke pot (as determined by random drug testing).
• I’ll match you dollar for dollar for paying college expenses.
• I’ll let you live here during your college breaks as long as you abide by my house rules without complaining, which involve keeping me informed of your whereabouts, being respectful, bringing no alcohol onto my property, asking my permission before having friends over, and doing chores or paying rent.

• Spouse – yes they work with spouses and everyone actually!
• I consider projects finished only when all the tools and mess are put away. At that time I will demonstrate my thanks to you! xoxoxo
• I’ll purchase grocery items that are written on the list on the refrigerator.
• I’ll wash any clothes that are put in the hamper.
• I’ll iron any shirts that are hung in the laundry room by 8 pm.
• I’m always happy to kiss lips that aren’t covered up with lipstick.
• I’m always happy to kiss faces that aren’t prickly.
• I’m happy to wash dishes that are rinsed and placed in the right-hand sink.

I need to credit Love and Logic for introducing me to this concept years ago.

I’ve already written two parenting blogs about the Majors and the Minors, but there is a need for one more.  The first post explained the difference between Majors and Minors.  The second post gave two illustrations of some outlandish behaviors of our girls that we declared to be Minors!

This final post will be a step-by-step guide to recalibrating your current list of Majors into one which is more useful.

Whether you are conscious of it or not, you currently govern your children by a specific list of Majors.  You likely don’t even think about the list, but it’s there.  There are certain things you choose to engage in battle over, and other things you don’t.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR CURRENT LIST OF MAJORS

If I were to videotape your interactions with your kids for a whole week I could write down a pretty accurate list of your Majors.  Here’s what I would look for:

1. Your use of commands is a dead giveaway.  When you tell them what they have to do, you’re clearly revealing things on your Majors list.
2. Your choice of consequences is another undeniable indicator of your Majors. What things cause you either to use obvious punishments (such as groundings, taking away a phone, or sending them to their room) or to use the more subtle concealed punishments (verbal scoldings, blame-and-shame tactics, labeling, bribery, or other forms of manipulation)?
3. Your tone of voice is a less obvious, but equally clear gauge of what you treat as a Major.  What behaviors do you raise your voice over?  Or nag about?  Or threaten regarding?  Or get sarcastic about?  These verbal cues subtly reveal your Majors.
4. Your body language will also give it away.  Are your hands on your hips?  Are you frowning in disgust?  Does your face look cross with disapproval? Are your brows furrowed?  Are you rolling your eyes?  Is your face turning red?  Each of these wordless communications reveals that your kids have violated one of your Majors.
5. Even how you pronounce your child’s name will reveal your list of Majors.  Do you normally speak their name sweetly? Or sharply, with a tone of disdain?  Is it said affectionately? Or does your voice’s pitch drop off at the end of their name, indicating your irritation with them?

FOUR STEPS TO RECALIBRATING YOUR MAJORS LIST

STEP ONE – Take Inventory

First, you must identify what things are on your current list of Majors.  Pay attention to the five things listed above and write down the Majors that are indicated by your own behavior toward your children.  Realize that you are naturally going to be blind to many of them because the interactions with your kids have likely become habitual.  Recruit others to help you identify what your own behavior reveals about what seems to bother you most.

STEP TWO – Eliminate 90% of Your Majors

Looking carefully at your list, ask yourself which of those issues are worth jeopardizing your relationship with your kids over.   My guess is that 90% of your current Majors are issues that don’t matter nearly as much as enjoying harmony with your kids.

Keep in mind that by Majors, we’re talking about things you absolutely require—things that are so important that you’re willing to engage in battles with your kids over them. These are demands of yours that justify having a strained relationship with your kids.

Most of the things that you’ll be crossing off of your Majors list–i.e. the Minors–are not that important.  They may feel important to you at first, because you’ve clung to them so long, but they are really only preferences. They are certainly not important enough to justify erecting a wall over them between you and your kids.  Re-read my first blog on this topic for a refresher on what factors should determine our Majors.

Your purged list of Majors should be noticeably shorter.  In fact, you might be shocked by how small your list is!  Not many issues are actually worth battling over, in fact, this process should greatly reduce the number of battles you have with your kids!

STEP THREE – Do Some Self-Reflection

This would be a good time to look at what you crossed off and ask yourself what made those things Majors for you in the past?  Was it your own impatience?  Was it your need to control?  Was it a need to win battles with little people?  Was it fear of them failing?  Was it the embarrassment of what others might think of your parenting if your kids acted imperfectly?  By asking these questions we’ll oftentimes discover that our own personal issues, fears, and insecurities have been causing many of the unneeded battles with our kids.  Maybe we never had a “problem child” but rather a “problem ego!”

STEP FOUR- Let It Go

Just like the annoyingly memorable song from Frozen, we have to learn to let go of the things we formerly considered Majors.  We will be tempted to return to the old list, harping on things that we wish were different.  Bad habits die hard, so we will have to be aware of our tendency to glare, scold, command, frown, and punish our kids over things that, in the grand scheme of things, really don’t matter nearly as much as our kid’s hearts.  We’ll have to let our preferences go unfulfilled and some of our expectations unmet.  We’ll have to bite our tongue sometimes.  We’ll often have to hide our disappointment.  For the sake of relational closeness and harmony.

STEP FIVE – Enjoy Each Other

With the number of household battles potentially reduced by 90%, you’ll have much more time and opportunity to enjoy one another!  By not sparring with them all the time perhaps you’ll start to see them as precious people with their own unique personalities, rather than your biggest disappointment.  Perhaps you’ll discover who God made them to be, how He wired them, and what matters to them.  Conversely, by not perceiving you as their constant critic or micromanager, they might also gain an interest in getting to know you, your heart, and what matters to you.  Influence flows from relational harmony and mutual respect, and as I’ve blogged about before, influence is a much better parental strategy than control.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR COUPLES

I’ve written the above from the standpoint of a single parent, relating to a single child.  But what about couples?  What if their lists of Majors are not exactly the same?  Three thoughts.

• Everything above still applies to married parents.  Most of your interactions with your children happen one-on-one, between one parent and a child during the course of the day.  If you improve your personal relationship with each of your kids, reducing the battles you have with them, the whole family benefits.
• There certainly will be areas where the parents will have to agree on household rules, i.e. acceptable expectations for children no matter which parent is present.  Wise couples will have conversations about what rules are worth battling with kids over and which can be let go of.  When agreement can’t be reached, commit it to prayer and consult with others who may offer insight.  Be intentional, not hasty, when possible.
• Sometimes a decision needs to be made without reaching parental consensus.  Keep in mind that, scripturally, the husband is ultimately held responsible in the eyes of God for the well-being of his family, and that his leadership is to flow out of his own sacrificial love for his wife and children.

FLEXIBILITY IS THE KEY

• The list of Majors will change somewhat over time and most household rules should remain flexible.  Always be open to reasonable feedback from any household member.  Ultimately, the parents are in charge, but everyone’s input should be valued and considered.  As family dynamics change and as kids grow older the expectations should also change accordingly.
• Adjust rules according to the current needs of the moment.  For example, when the baby isn’t sleeping, everyone can be loud.  Or when a tidy mom is on a trip, dad and the kids shouldn’t have to keep the house immaculate–until just before she returns!  Make sure the rules in force always serve a useful purpose and are not arbitrary.

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the previous four posts–and this one–I  elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust. 

4. Verbalize values.

5. Emancipate strategically.

At first glance, the thought of “kicking the kids out of the home” might seem antithetical to parents having a positive influence on them, but I contend that this is one of the most important components of influence.

When we strategically parent our kids with their eventual independence as our goal they will be much better equipped to manage their own lives wisely.  That, after all, is the goal of our influence.  As I say quite often, our aim should be to raise adults, not kids.  And let’s aim for well-prepared adults!

Much of what I blog about relates to this, so I’ll let those posts speak for themselves.

Strategically emancipating our kids can involve the following:

• Decreasing parental control
• Giving kids increasing levels of responsibility as they age, including chores, and managing their own homework, diet, and sleep
• Teaching them to manage their own money by giving them hefty allowances
• Making them purchase their own car
• Making them clean up their own messes
• Trusting their ability to  solve their own problems
• Allowing them to fail (actually loving it when they fail!) so they learn from their failures
• Teaching them life skills so they can thrive without us
• Working ourselves out of a job, accepting empty nester-hood

Thank for reading these five posts on Optimizing our Influence.  I hope you found some of the concepts helpful.

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the past three posts, this post, and the following post I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust..

4. Verbalize values.

Many things are more caught than taught, but some things simply need to be taught.

Scripture gives the Israelites this instruction: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise…You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7 & 9; emphasis mine).

It is clear that God expects us to proactively provide spiritual nurturing and instruction to our children; it’s our duty as parents to pass on to our children a legacy of faith.  Transferring our faith to the next generation involves living it authentically before them (as mentioned in the first post of this series) as well as instructing them accurately.

This spiritual instruction includes not only telling them what we believe but–in light of today’s accessibility to alternate worldviews–it’s equally important to explain why we believe as we do and why we reject other views.  We must show that our faith holds up to scrutiny when compared to other belief systems; therefore, we can’t afford to espouse a blind faith that comes across as having our heads in the sand!

It warmed my heart this week to get an email from a college freshman, who had been wrestling with how to explain the Trinity to a Muslim classmate.  She ended up turning to her dad for advice on how to communicate this complex subject to her questioning friend.  His perspective on the topic was exactly what she needed.  That’s what this post is talking about!

Parents who don’t feel confident answering tough questions about spirituality have many great resources available to help supplement their spiritual instruction.  The church can certainly help with this, as can worldview training organizations, such as Summit.org.

Besides theological instruction, parents also need to thoroughly teach our kids about the culture in which we live.  This is a world that bombards our kids with a million false ideas, distorted perspectives, and flat-out lies.  Incessantly.  Aggressively.  Relentlessly.

As parents, we must take care to verbalize our beliefs and views on all sorts of topics.  If we don’t provide a running commentary on what our kids are seeing, hearing, learning, and reading our silence effectively hands over the microphone to our culture.

C.S. Lewis is quoted as saying, “The most dangerous ideas in a society are not the ones being argued, but the ones that are assumed.”  This is so true.  We need to start calling out the sins that the world normalizes rather than let these views slip by without questioning them.  

Fortunately, our culture doesn’t hide its views, giving us plenty of faulty assumptions to talk to our kids about!  If you wonder where to look, you can start with the 6 o’clock news, or Superbowl commercials, or game shows, or video games, or blockbuster movies.  All of them provide volumes of values to talk about.  Every day our kids are being taught specific views about politics, morality, definitions of family, human dignity, justice, success, suffering, etc.  Don’t you want to weigh in on those topics?  Then talk about them!  Kids can’t consider our point of view on things if we don’t discuss them.  (As a bonus, by viewing our culture mindfully, we may discover how some of our culture’s assumptions have subtly tainted our own thinking!)

But we can’t just be “reactive” to our culture.  In some cases, we need to get in the “first word” so the world’s distorted views are seen in proper context from the get-go.  For example, it was important to me to be that I be the one to inform our daughters about human sexuality and reproduction–in the context of these subjects being beautiful designs of God which are to be enjoyed only within marriage.  I didn’t want their first awareness of these important topics to come from the mouth of a “values-free” 5th-grade health teacher.

To be sure, some conversations will come earlier than we would have wished, and some will be admittedly awkward.  Let that not be an excuse for you to abdicate your parental responsibility of truth-telling.

Finally, it must be said that as much as we may wish to determine our kids’ values this is beyond our control.  Our goal is influence, not coercion. Ultimately, our kids will need to decide for themselves what they will believe about God, themselves, and the world they live in.  Our parental job is to expose them to truth, teach them what we have come to believe and why, etc, but we’ll be wise not to try to force them to believe any of it.  Faith must be chosen, just as love must.  We must be careful to avoid pressure or manipulation.  To prevent this, let’s allow them space to grapple with truth, wrestle with doubts, and ask us hard questions whenever they want.

Here’s an account of a values-laden conversation I had with my daughters ten years ago.  It gives some examples of how I used the current culture to discuss truth with them.

Hopefully, this post has encouraged you to have serious conversations with your kids about the things that really matter.  If you don’t, someone else will!

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the final Influence Optimizer!

I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In the past two posts, this post, and the following two posts I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

3. Cultivate trust.

Picture two little boys at the doctor’s office getting their shots, not understanding why their parents would allow the nurse to inflict such pain.   Boy #1 sees himself as a victim; his parents have betrayed him and he acts out in rage against them, madder than a hornet!   Boy #2 sees things differently.  He is confused about why his parents have allowed him to experience such pain, but he has learned that they care for him deeply and would want only the very best for him.  He knows that they would never willfully harm him.  He is sad, but not mad.

Trust makes all the difference.

Convincing our kids that we are for them and not against them helps us influence them positively.  The old adage is universally true: “Until they know that you care they won’t care what you know.”  Whatever wisdom we may wish to impart will likely be rejected if they see themselves as victims.  They must feel safe and secure with us.

You may be realizing that today’s post is essentially the inverse of yesterday’s.

• Yesterday I mentioned several things not to do [which build relational walls], creating feelings of victimization.
• Today let’s look at several things we can do [which build relational bridges], cultivating trust.

Love.  Convince them that you love them, truly love them.  It may help to figure out what their primary love languages are.  It’s easy to think we’re delivering a hefty dose of love, but it may be on our terms and sometimes we may miss it completely.   If we give them Gifts when their love language is Time they may come away feeling unloved and abandoned.  Or if we give them Acts of Service when their love language is Words of Affirmation we may have left them feeling unloved and unrecognized.  Smothering a child with hugs who doesn’t have the love language of Touch may make them feel you’ve violated their personal space.  As I like to say, “Be a student of your student” and find out what makes them feel love from you.

Safety.  Make them feel safe and secure around you, and convince them that your goal is their well being.  Be careful about sarcasm, silly labels, nicknames, and joking around as these may affect their developing self-concept.  Be their protector and provider.  Be consistent.

Empathy.  When they hurt we should hurt with them.  This may sometimes require us to set aside our adult perspective and enter the world of our children in order to feel their pain.  We may even have to suspend our rational judgments for the greater good of connecting to their hearts.  Instead of “I told you that if you didn’t feed that guinea pig he would die” we should say, “It’s so sad that you can’t play with Patches anymore.  It hurts to lose buddy like that doesn’t it?  I care that you’re hurting right now.”

Availability.   You must be present to win!  Too many parents are so busy “adulting” that time with their kids gets pushed out of the way.   I remember hearing Dr. Dobson years ago say that “Quality time is an accident that happens during Quantity time.”  Those words proved true in my own parenting.  Wise parents make their kids a priority in their schedules.  Family vacations, “daddy dates,” family game nights, sleeping in a tent in the backyard, etc. are all examples of ways to show your kids that being with them is important to you.  And in the process, you just might learn what’s important to them.  Be fully present with them by having these be times where everyone turns off their phones.

Respect.  I’ve blogged a lot over the years about the importance of respect, so I won’t elaborate much here.  People feel disrespected when they are being commanded a lot.  They feel voiceless when they aren’t allowed to express frustration.   They feel manipulated when they are pressured to be at their best all the time.   Respecting parents are prone to believe their kids and believe in them as well.

Fairness.  Parents are wise if they only set rules that are necessary, majoring on the majors.  When rules are broken, they are careful to implement natural consequences which promote learning rather than using arbitrary punishments to simply inflict pain or get even.  They avoid making hasty decisions that might seem impulsive and unfair.

Each of these components will make kids feel valued, likely resulting in greater parental influence in their lives.

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the fourth Optimizer of Influence!

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I once blogged about the importance of parental influence and mentioned five things that can increase it.  In my previous post, this post, and the following three posts, I elaborate on what I call the Five Optimizers of Influence.  While nothing guarantees that our kids will make wise choices, my 31 years of youth ministry taught me that parents who become proficient in these five areas will have maximum impact on their kids.

1. Model authenticity.

2. Avoid relational walls.

Adversarial relationships between our kids and us will only cause them to resent us which will influence them in the exact opposite direction that we intend for them.  Exasperating our children is not only unbiblical (Ephesians 6:4), but it also creates bitterness in them, diminishing any positive influence we might have had.  It makes them feel like victims.

Here are ten things that will make your kids feel like victims, ensuring that you have little–if any–positive influence on them:

• Major on the minors.  Harp on things that really don’t matter and ignore those that really do.
• Be unfair, inconsistent, and unreasonable in what you require of them.
• Make decisions that will affect kids without soliciting their input or explaining why the decision was made.  Say “Because I said so!” a lot.
• If you ask them questions at all, make sure they feel interrogated, and begin all your questions with the word, “Why.”
• Be sure you let them know how they are such a disappointment to you.  Use creative labels for them like “stupid,” “lazy,” “brat,” and “worthless.”
• Treat children like property instead of people, making them feel unworthy, unheard, and unwanted.  Don’t let them make their own decisions.
• Never admit you might be wrong.  Never show weakness.  Never apologize.
• Be easily offended, quick-tempered, unpredictable, and volatile.  Don’t let them see you smile.   Make them fear you.
• Make discipline decisions impulsively, in the heat of the moment, when you’re not thinking objectively.  Be as punitive as possible.  Show no mercy.
• Let the busyness of life keep you from quality family time.  Work excessively.  Don’t plan family fun.  Don’t go on dates with your kids.  Don’t read to them.  Let them put themselves to bed.  Be sure not to spend any one on one time with them.

Foolish parents will do the things on this list without giving thought to the relational walls they are building between them and their kids.  How much better it is to build relational bridges by doing exactly the opposite of each thing on that list!

As mentioned previously, there are no guarantees.  Some kids will resent their parents no matter what we do; they also can create walls of relational separation.  Even so, let’s make it our goal that any walls that exist are caused by their sin, not ours.  And let’s pour our energy into taking down walls and building bridges to their hearts whenever possible.  That will maximize our influence on them.

Tomorrow I will elaborate on the third Influence Optimizer!

The other day a parent messaged me, wondering what to do about a lying teenager.   Her question prompted me to flesh out this post that I started almost two years ago.

Let me start by saying that “lying” is one of the things that ought to be on every parent’s “Majors” list.  I’ve blogged about Majors and Minors elsewhere, but let me just state that few things are more “Major” than having family relationships based on trust.   Lying within the home can’t be ignored.

But just because something is on the Majors list doesn’t mean it has to be dealt with severely or punitively–it just has to be dealt with.  In the case of a child’s lying, I think it may be just as useful to consider the reasons for the child’s lying, rather than be solely punitive about it.  Before jumping to confrontations, it would seem useful to think about what internal things may be going on that might make them (and us–if we were honest) choose to lie.  Rather than immediately react to what they did wrong, let’s slow down, gather all the information, and listen.  Only then can we learn what’s really going on with our children.  Here are six possible reasons they might be lying.

1. Some kids lie out of fear.  Could it be that our discipline methods are overly strict?  Any reasonable child would want to lie to avoid “setting off” an unreasonably punitive parent.  Parents would be wise to consider whether they may be over-disciplining.  An honest heart-to-heart conversation between the child and parents might reveal rules and expectations that are overbearing.  If so, negotiating better rules and expectations might eliminate the need for the child to lie for self-protection.

2. Some lie so as to not hurt loved ones.  Perhaps the lying is intended as a way to make the parents less anxious, worried, or crushed by the child’s choices.  Thus, lying could actually be intended as a kindness.  Such children view their parents as fragile; such parents need to convince their children that their own well-being doesn’t depend on the child doing everything perfectly.  As I’ve controversially stated elsewhere, the parents need to communicate that they don’t need their kids to behave in order for them to thrive.  The parents should model a resilient faith in Jesus that doesn’t need to pressure their kids into making perfect decisions all the time.  In fact, it’s ok for them to fail!

3. Some kids lie as a way to protect someone else.  As in the previous case, such lying might actually be intended as a kindness.  The biblical Rahab hid the Israelite spies on her roof–and lied about it to the authorities.  Her lying saved not only the spies but also the lives of her own family–and she was rewarded for doing the right thing!   Likewise, the child who lies to the stranger at the door–saying their absent parent is home but “can’t come to the door”–is being wise, not wicked.  In the same way, the kid who lies to keep a friend from getting in trouble is likely trying to do the greater good.  Parents would do well to have conversations with their kids about when lying may be appropriate, when covering for a friend may be helping them, and when it actually might be hurting them unknowingly.  Discussing how “true friends” should relate to each other is an important concept for them to understand during their years of nurturing in your home.  Sometimes friends need to “wound” others rather than enable them to avoid responsibility.  (Proverbs 27:6.)

4. Some kids lie so as not lose their parents’ approval.  These kids have a perception that their parents’ love and acceptance depends on their good behavior.  Wise parents would do well to communicate that–no matter what good or bad choices their kids may make in life–their love will never be in question.  It is important to keep a distinction between the child’s behavior and their personhood.  They need to be convinced that we unconditionally delight in their personhood, eliminating this reason to lie about their behaviors.

5. Sometimes kids lie to build themselves up.  Each of us has a longing to feel accepted by others, so it’s no surprise that this is a common motive for kids’ lying.  In this competitive “selfie-saturated” world of ours it’s easy to see why exaggerating one’s achievements may seem necessary for social survival.  Lying may also be a defense mechanism to avoid bullying. If self-preservation is the cause of your child’s lying then berating him or her for lying might actually be adding to their feelings of not measuring up.  Rather than punishing such boasting, it would be better to spend time empathetically listening to them while looking for opportunities to convey biblical truth to them about their worth in the eyes of God.  Pray for them–and with them–about this.

On the other hand, if the child is lying as a way to put others down, that should also be addressed with a heart-to-heart discussion.  Beneath the rough exterior of most bullies is insecurity.  Helping them see how their lying may be wounding others is important for them to learn.

6. Some kids lie to cover up their rebellion.  This kind of lying needs to be carefully handled as it indicates a deficiency in the child’s heart.  Since we have no ability to directly change a heart, prayer is the best thing parents can do in such cases.  But we can also indirectly affect their heart by the way we respond to their rebellious lying.  Will it require consequences?  Absolutely!  But as stated earlier, be sure the consequences are reasonable.  Any obvious overreaction will make the child focus on the parents’ faults rather than his or her own bad behavior.   (This is where delayed consequences can really help avoid the perception that parents are being unreasonable and impulsive in their punishments.  Such a delay buys the parent ample time to pray, think, and consult with others regarding which appropriate consequence would help the child learn the best lesson.)

Six Final Considerations:

First, since character is “more caught than taught,” parents must be careful to always model lives of personal integrity.  If the kids overhear the parent calling in sick to work–while heading out to the golf course–no amount of lecturing on life’s virtues will compensate!

Second, reward honesty.  Every time we catch our kids telling the truth, let’s affirm that wise choice.

Third, as I mentioned at the top of this post, lying often results in a breach of trust within the home.  Consequences–if there are any– should be tailored to address this issue. It’s appropriate to reign in the leash if the freedom of a longer leash has been mishandled.  This is a true principle that will apply for all of life.

Fourth, consequences should last as briefly as possible, with the stated goal of wanting to restore their freedom as soon as they show they can handle it.   We want them to have freedom–and we want them to use it responsibly.  Offer hope for a better tomorrow.  “Grounded for a year” will only produce resentment instead of shaping a child’s character.  Trust and verify.

Fifth, consider whether the lying might be age-related.  It should be noted that preschool children typically manifest lying as part of their normal development.  They may not fully grasp the difference between fantasy and reality–an example would be having an “imaginary friend.”  They also are experimenting with reading others’ perceptions and controlling their own actions.  Parents should keep this in mind as they confront the lying of preschoolers in the home.  Kang Lee has done some interesting research (and a Ted talk) on the subject of early-childhood lying if you’re interested.

Finally, is the lying related to mental disabilities or trauma?  I haven’t studied these issues yet, but consideration might need to be made for such cases.  I’ll edit this post as I learn more during my graduate school counseling training.