markforstrom.com

My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Category: Reflections on Parenting (Page 1 of 7)

The Five Love Languages — what I DON’T like.

March 31, 2025 / / 0 Comments

Last week, I wrote about what I DO LIKE about the concept of Love Languages, but there’s more to be said.  As promised, here are my problems with the Love Languages.   I have two main concerns with 4 subpoints:

EGOCENTRISM.  First, we tend to deliver love only using our own Love Language(s).  Understandably, we do this because we see the world only through our own eyes, therefore, what makes me feel loved is what love is, right?  Wrong!  We should not assume that what makes me feel loved will make others feel loved;  different things matter to different people.   I once had a dad insist he loved his daughter because he gave her hugs, (which, of course, he loved to receive).  But the daughter actually felt very unloved, because what mattered to her was not hugs, but words of affirmation.  He thought he was a loving dad, but was he?

A few years ago, Cindy and I held a marriage seminar at a church and one of our discussion topics, of course, was Love Languages.  One of the participants asked:  “What if you and your spouse have completely different Love Languages?”  That question got me thinking.  I realized that when our Love Languages are identical (for example, when two “Touch” people snuggle on the couch) the love displayed is natural, but not very profound.  But when Love Languages are vastly different, any delivery of love that accommodates the other person’s Love Languages is extremely profound.  Such love is unnatural, chosen, and intentional, and perhaps even costly and sacrificial–i.e. agape love!   I concluded that the more unnatural the love displayed is, the more profound it actually is.  When I get a hug from my daughter who loves hugs it is wonderful, but not profound.  But when I get a hug from my daughter who is squeamish about touch, I feel profoundly loved–we both know that she left her comfort zone to deliver to me a costly gift of love.

ENTITLEMENT.  Second, awareness of our own Love Languages backfires when it turns into entitlement, causing us to think, “Aha! This is how I need others to treat me.”  Four problems stem from this.

  1. I am focused on my “needs.”  If I view my Love Languages as “needs,” then I’m going to have all the more reason to feel mistreated when others don’t treat me that way.  I’ve written before about the folly of being needy.  It’s wiser to view our Love Languages as merely longings and desires not as needs.  This perspective will make us more content and reduce our tendency to play the victim.  People will always fail us; let God be the one to meet our actual needs.  I can have joy even if my Love Languages aren’t met!
  2. I can develop a “UOME” attitude.  Awareness of our Love Languages can put our focus on receiving love rather than delivering it.  It’s easy to become self-centered, focusing on how others ought to be treating us rather than us becoming others-centered.  Romans 13:8 says we owe others love.   It would be better to have an IOU attitude toward others–and accommodating their Love Languages will help us deliver the goods!
  3. I can manipulate others.  Knowledge of our Love Languages might may us try to pressure others into treating us the way we want.  It’s easy to use Love Language terminology to coerce others with guilt and shame.  Sometimes we even weaponize Scripture to get the treatment we want.  It’s also possible to keep score on the failure of others or hold them to tests they didn’t know they were taking.  For example: “I’m incensed! You know that my Love Language is Touch but you haven’t given me a backrub for 83 days and counting!”  It’s important to remember that love can’t be forced or pressured.  It is only love if it is freely chosen.
  4. I can demand 50-50 treatment.  When we compare how we’re doing at accommodating others’ Love Languages vs. how they’re doing at accommodating ours, we can easily fall into the 50-50 comparison trap.  As I’ve written before, 50-50 is a dangerous equation.  It’s better to focus our attention on how to love others according to their Love Languages.  We will each answer to God about how we love others, so let’s focus on our part, not theirs.

So those are my concerns.  Overall, I find the Love Languages very helpful, but these pitfalls definitely need to be avoided!

Now let’s get out there and learn how to love people in their own Language(s)!

All of a sudden, our nest seems REALLY empty.

February 16, 2025 / / 0 Comments

We first became empty nesters back in 2015 when Lexi went off to college, only 55 miles away from home.   Back then, I wrote an essay about the importance of embracing the inevitable empty nest, but since that time, our two daughters have flown much further from the nest.

Our oldest and her husband have served in Africa since 2018 and our youngest, Lexi, has taught music in China since 2020.   Interestingly, both moved 6,600 miles away as the crow flies–in precisely opposite directions!  While some may conclude that our kids got as far away from their parents as humanly possible, one thing is certain: the sun never sets on the Forstrom family!

2024 brought everyone back home for doctors’ visits, a family wedding, and most notably the birth of our second grandson.  This past Christmas was very special–our first one in seven years where all of us were together.

And just like that, they’re all gone again and the house seems especially empty.   The toys we just hoisted into the attic will accumulate years of dust before they are played with again — and many will have been outgrown by then.  The delightful memories we made with Jimmy and Jake over the past months will be relived only by pictures and videos.    What a joy it was to watch them grow right before our eyes, but now we’ll only watch them grow from afar–pixels on a Zoom screen.

We’ve gotten used to airport goodbyes over these past seven years, but this farewell felt different.  I need to remember again what I’ve learned before:

I don’t need them to be here,

I must let them go, and

I must entrust them to God’s care.

The Consequences of Using Immediate Consequences

January 6, 2025 / / 0 Comments

Upset Senior Woman with The Wooden Spoon Isolated on a White Background.This is a reworking of an essay I wrote back in 2014.  I feel as strongly about it now as I did then–in fact, I often share this concept when counseling parents.   I hope you find this update helpful…

Somehow, most of us grew up with the idea that when it comes to disciplining our kids, we must implement immediate consequences.  Except in the case of toddlers, I totally disagree!

The concept of immediate consequences aligns with the behavior modification approaches taught in psychology.  BF Skinner effectively trained rats this way, using immediate consequences and rewards as part of what is called operant conditioning.

But kids aren’t rats! Think about how children’s brains are vastly different from those of animals!  Kids are capable of reflecting on the past, anticipating what may happen in the future, and utilizing reason–things that rats just can’t do.   These capabilities are unique to humans who are made in the image of God.  With kids, I’ve found that immediate consequences with kids may indeed modify behavior, but negatively so–and not in the ways we intend.

Let’s say your kid…

  • destroys his sister’s favorite toy
  • or throws something in anger and breaks your TV
  • or comes in a half hour late from curfew
  • or has alcohol on his breath.

Would an immediate consequence be helpful in these cases?   I say no.

Here are four reasons why using immediate consequences backfires.

  1. Our lack of objectivity.  First of all, we are implementing a consequence at a time when we (the consequence-givers) are likely red-hot with anger. The chances of us thinking objectively at this point is remote;  we are likely in “fight-or-fight” mode, flooded with emotion.  In moments like this, we tend to be unreasonably harsh, impulsively implementing quick punishments (intended to inflict discomfort on the kid) rather than thoughtful, corrective discipline (intended to help the kid learn and grow).
  2. The kid’s perception of us.  If we appear visibly steamed while imposing a consequence, the child perceives that the consequence was motivated by our anger rather than reasonableness, concern, and care.  Regardless of what we actually say, what the kid will hear is this:  “Son, you just made us really mad, so now we’re going to respond in a way that makes you just as mad.”  Such a perception diverts the kid’s attention away from the actual problem (his behavior), to a something else (our hot-headedness).  He will conclude that our behavior is the problem rather than his.
  3. The kid’s lack of objectivity.  We’d be putting a consequence in place at a time when our kid (the consequence-receiver) is also in fight-or-flight mode due to him or her being caught-in-the-act.  The kid will likely be flooded with his or her own negative emotions–embarrassment, guilt, defensiveness, anger, etc.  In such a condition, he or she wouldn’t be able to listen well or think objectively, so it would be fruitless to enact a consequence at that moment. Once everyone had calmed down, everyone would be better able think clearly and understand what the kid did wrong and what would make things right.
  4. Our isolation.  Lastly, immediate consequences force us to make a quick, impulsive, knee-jerk, on-the-fly reactions without any outside help.  Other parents and parenting experts could offer us a wealth of wisdom, but that is not available when we impulsive lay down the law in the heat of the moment.  For parents who are married, waiting would allow both parents to decide together what a reasonable consequence would be.  Parents can then present the consequence to the kids as a unified team, preventing kids from playing parents against each other (i.e., “good cop/bad cop”).

So Immediate Consequences are to be avoided.  But what is the alternative?

Here’s my solution: 

Immediate Acknowledgement with Delayed Consequences. 

This two-step formula is simple:

  1. Acknowledge that some unacceptable behavior just occurred.
  2. Buy yourself some time by informing the child that a consequence will be needed, but you’ll need time to think about what consequence would be best.

Here are some examples of how this might sound in the moment when the misbehavior has occurred.

  • “Billy, the way you just spoke to me felt very disrespectful and I’m not ok with that.  Something needs to be done about this and I’m going to take some time to figure out what to do about it.  I’ll talk to your dad and some friends to get their input and when we’ve reached our decision we’ll get back to you about how it will be handled.”
  • “Sally, your reckless driving caused damage to my car and the bumper is obviously going to need to be replaced.  I’m pretty angry right now, but I’m going give myself some time to cool off and talk to some other parents and then I will figure out what would be the appropriate way to handle this with you.  As soon as I figure it out I’ll get back to you.”
  • “Jane, you told us you’d be home at 11 pm and it’s now 12:15 when you’re walking in the door.  We’ve been anxious and scared for the past hour and we’re honestly pretty steamed right now.  We’re not in a good place to make decisions about this right now so we’re going to need some time to figure out what to do.  We’re glad you’re safe and we love you, but right now it would be best for us all to go straight to bed.  We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

MY STORY.

I’d like to share a story where I profoundly experienced the value of “Immediate Acknowledgement with a Delayed Consequence.” It happened many years ago when I was a youth pastor.  One night during youth group, I was informed of the misbehavior of a couple of students who had been caught sneaking away from the group.  I pulled them aside afterward, and explained how their behavior was entirely unacceptable, but that I was unsure how best to respond.  There would be a consequence, I told them, but I needed to think if over to make sure it was fair to them.  I told them I’d get back to them as soon as I figured out what to do.  A day or so later, I got a beautiful FB message from one of the kids, sincerely apologizing for what they had put me through.  They explained that they had talked together about their misbehavior and they both wanted me to know how this situation had opened up their eyes to their sinfulness.  They humbly expressed their commitment for it to never happen again.  Wow!  Problem solved!

As the example above shows, an added benefit of delaying the consequences is that it gives the kids time to wrestle with their behavior, and sometimes, they end up solving their problem themselves!  In this case, the kids really didn’t need me to impose consequences on them at all– their expressions of remorse demonstrated that they had learned from their mistake and their apology mended our strained relationship.  In fact, this whole incident actually brought us closer–a bond that continued through the rest of their high school years!

  • So the added blessing of delayed consequences is this:  during the time-lapse between Step 1: Acknowledgement and Step 2: Delayed Consequences, sometimes the kids do some good thinking on their own and take responsibility to solve their own problems.

AN ALTERNATE ENDING TO MY STORY.

Imagine how different things would have ended had I imposed an immediate consequence on those high school kids:

Hot-Headed Mark:  “I’m so furious with you two!  Shame on you!  You embarrassed me by sneaking off and misbehaving during youth group.  I expected more from you two–you’re supposed to be leaders!  You’ve broken my trust and that’s going to be really hard to regain.  I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget:  effective immediately, you’re both grounded from youth group for a month!  But just know that when you come back–I’ll be watching you!

What would their reaction be?  “That Mark Forstrom is such a jerk!  He’s so judgmental.  He doesn’t care about us.  He only cares about himself and just wants to control us all the time.  Fine, he can go ahead and kick us out of his stupid youth group.  We don’t want to come anymore anyway! ”

In that scenario, rather than bonding with them, my our relationship would have been severed.

Case made!

So unless you have an animal or a toddler, let’s be careful to avoid immediate consequences and implement delayed consequences instead!

“I-statements” sometimes backfire.

November 16, 2024 / / 2 Comments

We counselors commonly encourage our clients to use “I-statements” rather than “you-statements.”    I’ve taught this communication skill over the years as an effective way to express feelings while avoiding blaming the other person.  For example, when frustrated, I should talk about how I’m feeling rather than what you’re doing wrong.

But I’ve realized lately that there are times when “I statements” actually cause more harm than good.   In such cases, it’s better to use “you-statements.”

One such time is when making apologies.   I’ve written a lot about apologies over the years, but it was only recently that I realized that I-statements make for poor apologies.  We typically say something like this:

  • I was a jerk.
  • I forgot.
  • I should have been more sensitive.
  • I drank too much.
  • I was a terrible husband.
  • I didn’t control my temper.
  • I didn’t manage my time properly.
  • I didn’t listen like I should have.
  • I’m sorry.

At first glance, it seems that “calling myself out” like this equates to a good apology.   Am I not being humble and contrite?  Am I not taking responsibility for my bad behavior?   Yes, but something crucial is missing in these statements.

What’s missing is you.  Look how self-centered I am in each of the above apology statements.  It’s all about me.  The summary of it all is “Look how bad I am.”   What’s missing is any mention of you–the victim of my mistreatment.

It would be better to center the apology around you.

  • You suffered disrespectful treatment when I was such a jerk to you.
  • You were inconvenienced when I forgot.
  • You were wounded by my insensitivity.
  • You were frightened and made to feel insecure by my alcohol misuse.
  • A wife deserves to be treated better by her husband.
  • Your dignity was insulted when I lost my temper.
  • You felt unheard and unimportant when I didn’t listen to you.
  • You deserve more than a simple “I’m sorry”.

In my counseling office, what I refer to as a “full-orbed apology” contains these six “you-centered” elements:

  1. You were hurt in these specific ways (name them) by what I did.
  2. I feel genuine remorse and am embarrassed by what I did to you.
  3. If there’s any way I can make it up to you I will.
  4. I have learned from this failure of mine what I need to change to care for you better
  5. I commit to treating you better in the future as a result of my failure.
  6. I’m indebted to you, and I hope in time, you will be able to forgive me.

So the next time you fail (and you will!) why not try you-statements instead of I-statements.  My guess is that you’ll find it works much more effectively in repairing the damage you caused.

Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers.

October 7, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I originally wrote this essay in 2011 when I was a youth pastor.  As I read through it again recently, I was struck by how the passing of time has only deepened my conviction about these principles.   In this revision, I’ve made a few minor tweaks.  And, for those interested, I have added links to related essays I’ve written over the years.

Someone re-posted on Facebook a parenting article by John Piper that has caused me some reflection.  The excellent piece was originally written in 1993 and is entitled, “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad” (I’ve pasted it below).

Families would certainly experience much harmony if teens would willfully choose to adopt these resolutions. However, a mistake would be for us parents to try to demand, manipulate, or coerce our kids to adhere to such a list.  (The fact that the list was created by a parent–John Piper–rather than a conscience-stricken teenager makes it feel just a little coercive to me.)  Just as love must be chosen, so must be our kids’ commitments.  And like it or not, such things are largely out of our control.

The hidden danger of Piper’s list is that it might only serve to make parents frustrated with their kids’ shortcomings.  It would be more useful for us to brainstorm about the kinds of commitments we might make to our teens–something over which we have total control!

If parents would take the first steps in committing to relate to our kids in a safe, respectful, nurturing way, I think the chances of our kids adopting a list like Piper’s would be high.  So with that in mind, here’s my list of…

“Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers”.

  1. Resolved: to influence you spiritually by devoting myself to knowing God more deeply and living authentically with integrity.
  2. Resolved: to love God first and my spouse and you children second.
  3. Resolved: to take responsibility to be your primary spiritual shepherd.
  4. Resolved: to always tell you the truth, so you have reason to trust my leadership.
  5. Resolved: not to allow work, recreation, or other involvements, to distract me from being a good parent.
  6. Resolved: to always view you as a precious, yet temporary entrustment from God.
  7. Resolved: to protect you, but not be overprotective or controlling.
  8. Resolved: to continuously nudge you toward becoming a responsible adult, ultimately working myself out of a job.
  9. Resolved: that my satisfaction in being a parent will not fulfill some detrimental sense of needing to feel needed.
  10. Resolved: to gradually let go of you over time and avoid excessive hovering, rescuing, and clinging to you.
  11. Resolved: to give you as much freedom and as many choices as you prove capable of handling, allowing you to learn from your failures.
  12. Resolved: to always treat you with dignity and respect even if I disagree with some of your choices and values.
  13. Resolved: to genuinely listen to you, seeking to understand your point of view.
  14. Resolved: never to pressure you to fulfill my unachieved dreams nor to meet some unfulfilled need stemming from my own upbringing.
  15. Resolved: to teach you many of the life skills that will help you function independently.
  16. Resolved: to help you discover your God-given talents and skills and to invest in their development.
  17. Resolved: to allow you to pursue your own suitable interests and hobbies.
  18. Resolved: never to compare you to other people’s kids or pressure you to be a superkid.
  19. Resolved: to help you prioritize your involvements, with the things of God taking priority over the things of the world.
  20. Resolved: to invest generously in providing you opportunities for spiritual growth.
  21. Resolved: to help you learn wise financial responsibility by giving you money to practice with.
  22. Resolved: to speak honestly, straightforwardly, and privately to you about any concerns I have — avoiding sarcasm, inferences, subtle hints, nagging, overgeneralizations, labeling, venting and triangulation.
  23. Resolved: never to intentionally embarrass you in front of others or slander you.
  24. Resolved: to highlight publicly your good qualities as well as those of your generation.
  25. Resolved: to major on the majors and minor on the minors.
  26. Resolved: not to expect your very best all the time but rather that which is reasonable for the moment, knowing that  no one (myself included) can give 100% simultaneously to every area of life.
  27. Resolved: that my acceptance of you not be performance based, but rather grace oriented.
  28. Resolved to allow you to fail, learn from your mistakes, and solve your own problems.
  29. Resolved: to be consistent in my rules and disciplining.
  30. Resolved: to treat you and your siblings individually according to your needs rather than equally, and to be ready to explain any apparent differences in treatment.
  31. Resolved: to seriously consider your feedback about the fairness of my rules, chores, discipline, etc.
  32. Resolved: to set family chores that are reasonable, based on everyone’s ability and availability.
  33. Resolved: not to make arbitrary rules, but rather ones that are purposeful.
  34. Resolved: to communicate the “why” behind things as often as possible.
  35. Resolved: never to say “Because I said so.”
  36. Resolved: to administer natural consequences that are appropriate to the offense, not arbitrary punishments that merely put you in your place or inflict pain.
  37. Resolved: to never discipline you out of anger or when I’m emotionally dysregulated.  I will give myself a time-out to cool down first.
  38. Resolved: to encourage your successes and give you empathy for your failures.
  39. Resolved: to say “Yes” every time I can and to only say “No” when necessary.  And to avoid the asking “Why“.
  40. Resolved: to treat you with the same respect that I expect from you, putting my requests of you in the form of polite questions as often as possible and use the imperative only when necessary.
  41. Resolved: to say “Please” and “Thank You”, extending you the same courtesy I would request from you.
  42. Resolved: never to use my power and authority in an authoritarian way and never to treat you like property or a household slave.
  43. Resolved: to be willing to show remorse when I’m wrong and be quick to apologize when needed.
  44. Resolved: to give you clear instructions on what I expect from you.
  45. Resolved: to acknowledge the difficulties of being a teenager and love you unconditionally in the midst of them.
  46. Resolved: to acknowledge your feelings even when they may not seem sensible to me.
  47. Resolved: to call you by affectionate titles that are honoring and not embarrassing or derisive.
  48. Resolved: never to pressure you to behave a certain way just to make me look good.
  49. Resolved:  to not need you for any selfish motive of mine.
  50. Resolved: to try my best to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the best about you.
  51. Resolved: that whenever you violate my trust I will work with you to find opportunities to rebuild my trust in you.
  52. Resolved: to give 10 compliments for every criticism and that every criticism I do give is constructive.
  53. Resolved: to encourage you to reach your potential, but not to withhold my love if you don’t.
  54. Resolved: to believe in you.
  55. Resolved to be a friend to you.

Mark

Here is Piper’s list, titled “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad.”  Teens: there’s much wisdom here if you can accept it!  He really describes what being a godly teen looks like in very practical ways.

  • Resolved: I will obey your instructions and do what I know you expect of me, even when it is not mentioned. I will not force you into repeated reminders, which I sometimes call nagging.
  • Resolved: I will not grumble or complain when I do my chores, but remember what a great thing it is to have a family and a home and clothes and food and running water and electric light and central heating in a world where millions of teenagers have none of these.
  • Resolved: When I think your demands are unfair, I will move to do them first, and after showing an obedient attitude, I will ask if we can talk. Then I will explain my side and try to understand yours.
  • Resolved: I will not stonewall you and give you the silent treatment, which I dislike when my friends do it to me. If I am depressed and want to be left alone, I will say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now. Can we talk later? I’m not mad; I just need to be alone.”
  • Resolved: When I do something wrong and let you down, I will apologize sincerely with words that you can hear. Something like: “Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t pick up the pile of clothes.”
  • Resolved: I will call you by affectionate family titles, like “mommy” or “daddy”, or “mom” or “dad”. And I won’t let other kids pressure me into calling you nothing, or calling you something disrespectful as though true affection were embarrassing or childish.
  • Resolved: I will say thank you again and again for the ordinary things you do for me. I will not take them for granted as though you were my slave.
  • Resolved: I will talk about my feelings. Both the positive ones (like happiness, pity, excitement, sympathy, etc.) and the negative ones (like anger, fear, grief, loneliness, discouragement, etc.). I will remember that unshared feelings lead to estrangement and coldness and even more loneliness and discouragement.
  • Resolved: I will laugh with the family and not at the family. I will especially laugh when my little brother or sister tells a simple joke with expectant excitement.
  • Resolved: I will give two compliments for every criticism. And every criticism will aim to help someone improve, not just belittle or cut down.
  • Resolved: I will enter into family devotions and treat Bible reading and prayer with respect and do my part to help others in the family enjoy them. When I don’t feel spiritually strong, I will pray about this as a personal need rather than pouring it on others as a glass of cold water. I will remember that confessed weakness knits hearts together.
  • Resolved: I will not return evil for evil or try to justify my meanness because somebody treated me meanly first.
  • Resolved: I will read my Bible and pray every day even if is only a verse and a brief call for help. I know that teens cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.
  • Resolved: I will come home at the time we agreed on. If something happens to stop me, I will call and explain and ask your guidance.
  • Resolved: I will greet our guests with courtesy and respect and try to make them glad they came.
  • Resolved: I will always tell the truth so that you can trust me and give me more and more freedom as I get older.

Pastor John
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/teenage-resolutions-for-mom-and-dad

Raising kids who can parent you

September 2, 2024 / / 1 Comment

This past June, Cindy and I spent three weeks in China visiting our daughter, Lexi, who has lived there since 2020.  She’s the band teacher at an English-speaking K-12 international school.  We delighted to finally see her in her “natural habitat” as I jokingly called it.

She put us up in her donut-themed apartment, we got to fellowship with her wonderful teacher friends, and we explored the “village” where she lives (a little town of 7 million).  During our last half of the trip she gave us a grand tour of scenic spots throughout central China.  She flew us to Xi’an where we saw the astounding Terracotta Warriors and other cultural sites from the first Chinese dynasty.  Then she transported us to Beijing on the bullet train, which traveled a whopping 200 mph.  There, we toured Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City, Olympic Park, and our favorite, The Great Wall.  On the train ride back to her “village,”  she surprised us, having us deboard early, at the concentration camp where my running hero died–1924 Olympic medalist Eric Liddell, (he later became a missionary to China and was captured by the invading Japanese). 

During the whole trip, Lexi paid for and took care of absolutely everything.   We were impressed with how culturally and technologically adept she was.  By tapping a few clicks on her phone she could call us a taxi  (a “DiDi”) and it would usually arrive within two minutes.  She’d wave her phone at QR codes to pay for literally everything.  She’d routinely order groceries which would be waiting at the gate when we arrived.   Here’s a classic example of her technological prowess:  the day of the faculty talent show, she asked if I wanted to play my musical saw.   I said I would except for two problems: I didn’t have a bow and I didn’t have a saw.  Her school had a bow, she said, and after a few clicks on her phone, a new saw was delivered to her school literally 40 minutes later!  Excuses gone, I played for the event!

Lexi fed us, transported us, housed us in hotels, fed us amazing food, took us all over:  shopping, souveniring, to movie theaters, to an acrobatic show, cherry picking in the countryside, and even brought us to the Chinese version of the dollar store!   At one point, it dawned on me that we were absolutely and utterly dependent on her.  She was arranging and paying for everything and we had no responsibilities whatsoever.  Without her, we would have been completely lost, helpless and vulnerable.  She was the provider; we were the needy recipients.  What a role reversal:  we were the helpless children and she was the providing and protective parent.

And then, I thought, that’s exactly how it should be.   I’ve written many times about the importance of teaching life skills to our kids.  But I never before considered that my kids’ life skills might exceed my own.  Come to think of it, they should!   Someday, when I’m old and starting to lose mental or physical abilities, I’ll be glad to have kids who can make sure I’m being taken care of.

I got a taste of that in China.

People are precious

August 26, 2024 / / 2 Comments

I conceptualized this essay 18 months ago, but recent events in our family have shown me that it’s time to flesh out my thoughts.

My view is that people are fundamentally precious.  Genesis declares humans to be made in God’s image, after his likeness.   In Ephesians 2, Paul declares us to be God’s workmanship, a masterpiece.   As a kid in the 70s, I first learned this from a wall hanging in our church’s youth center:  “God don’t make no junk!”

Our culture seems to have forgotten that people are precious.  This is most clearly seen in politics, both by the politicians themselves as well as their ardent followers.   The derogatory things people say about their political opponents simply astounds me.  On both sides of the aisle, rarely is there any semblance of civility and decency toward one’s opponents.  Rather than critique policies that are seen as harmful, political speeches are more often laden with ad hominin attacks on their opponent’s worth.   I always found it ironic when politicians who defended the sanctity of life for the unborn, showed no sanctity toward the life of their full-grown opponents.

And of course, it’s not just politics;  social media is replete with vile, derogatory comments toward disabled people, minorities, non-minorities, and pretty much any people category that can be named.  Iowa’s record-breaking women’s basketball star is praised by many, but also relentlessly criticized and made sport of (pun intended).   Our outrage culture encourages derogatory treatment of anyone who is different than me.

A neighbor once introduced his kids to me as his “brats,” right in front of them.  He didn’t even give their names until I asked.  Those kids will likely live up to the expectations of their dad’s self-fulfilling prophecy.   How different this is from Psalm 127:3-5, which says:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

Sadly, kids are often seen not as precious, but as problems — and America’s declining birth rate reflects this view.  Many people simply don’t want to be bothered with children.  Today, I just watched the movie “The Forge,” which is about a lazy teenager, Isaiah, who learned responsibility after adults showed him the folly of his ways.  But what I found troubling was that throughout the movie, Isaiah was treated as a problem child that needed reforming rather than as a precious person worth understanding and getting to know.

If there’s any place where a person should be seen as precious, it should be within the family.  Yet sometimes this is where it’s most difficult.  I do a lot of marriage and family counseling and this loss of preciousness is often at the core of family problems.  I wrote recently that spouses can adopt “villainous views”” of each other, forgetting the preciousness they saw on their wedding day.

And lest you think I’m only calling out others, despite my convictions I don’t always treat everyone as precious.  I was recently humbled about this very thing;  a former youth group parent called me out for ignoring and devaluing her son over thirty years ago.  She was right about my neglectful treatment.  I was very embarrassed to be told this, but was glad for the opportunity to confess my sin to her.  And it was a sobering reminder of how all of us can forget the preciousness of people and how hurtful that can be.

So what will help us improve our treatment of people?  Here are five things that may help.

  1. Straighten out your thinking.  Are there people in your life that you’ve come to view as problems rather than as precious?  Forsake that mindset.  As a counselor I see dozens of hurting people every week, and when they walk in my office door, I aim to view them as precious and treat them that way.  It is not a diagnosis that is walking in my door, it is fundamentally a precious person.
  2. Separate behavior from personhood.  To say that people are precious is not to say that people are always likeable and well-behaved.  Being precious doesn’t mean being faultless.  Scripture declares that when Adam fell, we all acquired a sin nature;  the image of God in us has been tainted.   But we can address bad behaviors while simultaneously treating the person as valuable.  My neighbor would do well to avoid labeling his ill-behaved children by their bad behavior.  Calling your kid a “lazy good-for-nothing” will likely 1. push him away from you, 2. reinforce these bad behavioral expectations, and 3. cause long-term damage to your child’s self-concept.  Calling out bad behaviors and choices can be accomplished while still affirming their preciousness.
  3. Serving badly behaving people helps people feel precious.  I love the recorded historical account of the early church father named, Polycarp.   When he was 86 years old, the Roman guards came to his house late at night to haul him off for execution (burning at the stake).  But before going with them, “he gave orders that a table should be spread for them to eat and drink at that hour, as much as they desired.”  What dignity he showed even to those who were sent to kill him!
  4. Treating people as precious is the best way to get them to act precious.  From a practical standpoint, if we want people to behave better, treating them as precious is more likely to produce change than treating them as villains.
  5. Sometimes we don’t think about how precious people are until they are gone.  That’s certainly how I feel about my 17-year-old niece Audrey, who struggles to receive love from others.  I wish she could understand how precious she is to her family, friends, and most of all, to God.  This post was a good reminder to me that I need to work on always treating her as precious no matter what.  I miss you Audrey!

Two of my favorite words

May 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Communication is an essential ingredient to healthy relationships.  Today, I want to share two powerful words I added to my vocabulary decades ago that have kept my relationships healthy.  I hope these two words will help you too.

But first, one word NOT to use.

When we use the word why with others it almost always backfires, resulting, not in connection, but rather in defensiveness, pushback, and negative interactions.

  • Billy, why are you always so disrespectful to me?
  • Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
  • Jake, why do you refuse to come right home after work?

There are at least two reasons to avoid why:

  • We often use why as an attack and not as an honest question.  You can see this in the illustrations above.  We might not be asking a real question–which is disingenuous–but instead might be declaring our conclusions, having already made assumptions about what’s going on.
  • For many of us, the word why is a “trigger word,” instantly making us feel we are under interrogation.   Interrogation puts us in fight-or-flight mode and naturally makes us defensive.  Why makes us feel like we’re on trial and being in the courtroom makes us anxious about being punished.  And we’ll do just about anything to avoid punishment.

To avoid creating such a scenario, I suggest replacing why with two powerful words that I learned decades ago:  observe and curious.    Here’s how they would have worked in the above illustrations.

  • Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to help around the house.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way.
  • Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m interested to know what is causing you to treat him that way.
  • Jake, I’ve noticed that you’ve been coming home later and later.  I’m curious to understand what might be making you so slow about coming home after work.

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.

Observe and curious (or their equivalents) are not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding; they take us to the classroom, not the courtroom.  When someone notices me and is curious about what’s going on with me I feel honored, not threatened.

OBSERVE simply states the facts we’ve perceived (without judgment).

CURIOUS  shows our interest in understanding the other person.

Avoiding why and using these other words forces us to be honoring rather than suspicious.  We’re suspending judgment, giving benefit of the doubt, gathering perspective, and demonstrating teachability.  It shows that we’re interested in knowing the other person more than accusing them, condemning them, shaming them, or manipulating them.  These words force us to delay judgment until after we’ve gained understanding first.  They help build relational bridges of connection rather than walls of opposition.

In short, your life will be changed by replacing why with observe and curious.

Do I observe some skepticism about that?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying!

 

[Note: in case you’re curious, this is a revision of a post I wrote back in 2007, and I’m as committed as ever to these powerful words!]

Not getting divorced doesn’t mean your kids aren’t being raised in a broken home

October 20, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’ve met many Christians who are determined to never get a divorce due to their biblical convictions, but I find the goal of simply not getting divorced to be extremely short-sighted.  I’m not here to make a case for or against divorce, but my point here is that there are many seemingly “intact” marriages that are so unhealthy that their kids can only be described as growing up in a broken home.

Kids thrive best in a stable, loving, secure home with a mom and a dad who love them and love each other.   A mentor of mine said decades ago that the best gift you can give your kids is to display love for your spouse.  I agree.

Here are two scenarios that in my view constitute a broken marriage.

Lack of Affection.  Over a decade ago, I wrote about the importance of affection in marriage.  My views haven’t changed.  Most marriages begin with affection, but many couples lose it along the way.  Do we who are married show our kids that marriage is a delight or do they see ours as a loveless, contractual arrangement where we parents simply co-exist?  If our wedding vows have morphed into “I will tolerate you ’till death do us part,” what would compel our kids to ever want to make wedding vows at all?   So many couples function as roommates rather than lovers, which falls short of God’s design for marriage (e.g., Song of Solomon).  Plus, affectionless marriages naturally cause worry that affection may be sought outside the marriage, raising insecurities for the whole family.  The stakes are high.  If you are in a loveless marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling to recover that affection!  How healing it would be for your kids to witness the rekindling of your affection.

Adversarial Relationship.  The concerns expressed above rise exponentially when parents display an adversarial relationship toward one other.   Parents, to whom kids look to instill safety, stability, and security in the home, instead instill fears and insecurities when they yell, swear, insult, criticize, get defensive, withdraw, or show contempt toward their spouse in front of the kids.  Do you know that parents are by far the greatest influence on their children?  That’s why when parents model destructive ways of interacting with others, kids often follow their example.  And all this hostility in the home makes it more likely these kids will develop chronic fear, depression, and anxiety disorders.  The stakes are high.  If you are in an adversarial marriage, now is the time to get marriage counseling.   Let your kids have a front-row seat as you repent and repair your marriage, being transformed from adversaries to allies.

In summary, simply avoiding divorce is not sufficient.  If your unhealthy marriage is harming you and your kids, take the step to get marriage counseling.  If you live in Iowa, I have a great place to recommend!  My colleagues and I would love to help you!

How to make your wife and kids feel unneeded.

December 18, 2022 / / 0 Comments

child-1160862_640How to make your wife and kids feel unneeded…

It’s quite simple, really–hardly worth even blogging about.  You pull them aside and you just say these four words, “I don’t need you.”

But feel free to be more creative if you like.

Personally, I prefer using the phrase, “I have no need of you.” Somehow it sounds a little more theatric, yet it accomplishes the same thing.  I’ve used that phrase often with my family over the past 29 years.

If you don’t believe me go ahead and ask them yourself!

Now before you call DHS, indicting me for shattering my girls’ fragile self-esteems, let me explain why we should be telling our family members that we don’t need them.

There are five reasons why I suggest we not tell them we need them.

  1. It’s not helpful to others.  It’s much more important to tell them we want them.  I am always clear to communicate “I want you,” “I cherish you,” “I delight in you,” “I enjoy you,” “I like being with you,” etc. — even while using my epic line “I have no need of you.”  Communicating “I want you” tells them that they are desirable, lovable, interesting, and treasured.  They don’t need to be needed, but they do need to be valued.
  2. It manipulates others.  Making them feel needed, can create an unhealthy sense of co-dependency, where their identity and worth are defined by how well they meet the expectations of others.  I know people whose entire adult lives have been consumed with having to please other people.  It feels like enslavement because it is.
  3. It sets us up for interpersonal conflict.  Viewing our loved one as a “need” puts us in the position of consumer with them being our provider.  It creates high expectations, where our happiness depends on their performance.  Such expectations easily cause us to manipulate others, pressuring them to provide what we think we need.  This “you owe me” attitude is a setup for serious marriage, family, and friendship conflicts.  Some may comply with our demands for a while, but most will eventually pull away relationally, causing a wall between us.
  4. It’s a deviation from what is true.  I believe that God is truly our only real need; everything else is merely a want.  This mindset encapsulates the very first of my 40 Life Resolutions: “God is my only true need.”   Everything else pales in comparison.  I would redesign Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” with God at the top and a “Hierarchy of Wants” underneath.  If God is truly the giver and sustainer of life — both now and for eternity–then the Christian technically needs nothing else.  Period.  Not even oxygen–in fact, being deprived of that will make us more alive than ever before.
  5. It’s a setup for our own devastation. We must not remove God from his rightful place as the one who satisfies us. If we do, viewing our loved ones as what we really need, this is idolatry.  It is also a setup for deep disappointment, despair, and bitterness should we ever lose our loved ones to death, disability, deficiency, distancing, or desertion.   Let me expound on each.
  • Death.  We have no guarantees.  Life is fragile.  We live in a fallen, precarious world.  Our family members are mortal.  It’s conceivable that the God who gave us our loved ones could choose to take them away. How would we handle that?  I’ve seen two responses.  Those who saw their deceased family member as a “need that they’ve been robbed of” invariably shake their fists at God and descend into a dark tunnel of bitterness.  I’ve seen parents lose one child and then become so bitter that the surviving children lose their parents (emotionally) for the next 10 years.  How unnecessarily tragic!  On the other hand, I’ve seen families lose a child yet praise God for the precious years they had together.  Although they grieved their terrible loss, they were eventually able to press forward, knowing that their child’s earthly presence wasn’t something they “needed” in order to be joyful.  In my daily prayers for my family I tell God, “Help me to treasure my family more and more, yet hold them looser and looser.”  If and when they are taken away–it’ll be hard, but it’ll be ok.
  • Disability.  We can probably all think of marriages that dissolved after one spouse became disabled.  A Christ-centered marriage shouldn’t depend on our spouse’s physical prowess or functionality.  “He (or She) didn’t meet my needs” should never be an excuse for splitting up.  That’s not what Christlike, unconditional love is.  “In sickness and in health, till death do us part” is the commitment that was made.  Thankfully, our spiritual disabilities don’t keep Jesus from loving us.  We can’t need others to function as we wish they would.
  • Deficiency.  Parents often “need” their children to be star athletes, musicians, performers, scholars, etc.  This then becomes a point of contention when kids don’t live up to their potential.  Parents sometimes derive their own esteem from their kids’ performance or try to live out their own unreached dreams through their kids.  This pressure adds stress to kids’ lives and often builds walls between parents and kids.  If parents stopped “needing” their kids to be something the parents want, perhaps these parents could help their kids explore who God wants them to be.  Better to find out who the kids actually are, not who you want them to be.
  • Distancing  Kids naturally pull away relationally from “needy” parents.  Unfortunately, when this occurs, these parents often resort to blame and shame, nagging and scolding as attempts to try to get them back.  Such manipulation always backfires and pushes them further. So many fractured families are the result of this. We also can’t need our kids to be physically close.  For example, we have to be ok if God calls our kids to move to China or to Africa for the next 20 years.  As much as we might want our future grandkids to grow up close to us we can’t need it.   Thankfully, we can be perfectly joyful and content even when we don’t have all the things we ideally would want!
  • Desertion.  Kids who abandon the beliefs, values, or lifestyles of their parents can cause devastation for parents who “needed” their kids to stay true to the faith.  These parents often try to scold, nag, or pressure their kids to come back to the fold, which ironically has the opposite effect.  On the other hand, parents whose joy doesn’t depend on their kids’ choices are free to live their own lives abundantly.  Though they will certainly remain grieved and concerned about their child’s choices and well-being, that doesn’t prevent them from worshiping, serving God, and taking care of themselves.  Ironically, the best thing a concerned parent can do to influence their wayward kids is not to attack their waywardness, but rather joyfully trust God and love others amidst heartbreak.  A genuine, unwavering, and unshakable faith may be the very thing that influences their kids to come back to the fold.

So do yourself, your wife, and your kids a favor by telling them you don’t need them!  It’ll transform your life and theirs!  And then tell God that He’s all you’ve ever really needed.

[Please note that in this article I’m using the word, “need,” in a technical or literal sense.  I recognize that “need” is also commonly used in a more figurative or pragmatic sense, such as, “We need to work together as a team,” or “I need help making supper.”   I take no issue with such “needs”!  Yet I have found it helpful to limit my use of the word “need,” substituting “want” or “would like” whenever possible as a way to ensure I don’t fall into any of the pitfalls listed above.]

[This was a revision of the original post from 2016.  I consider this one of my most important topics.]

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