“I-statements” sometimes backfire.

We counselors commonly encourage our clients to use “I-statements” rather than “you-statements.”    I’ve taught this communication skill over the years as an effective way to express feelings while avoiding blaming the other person.  For example, when frustrated, I should talk about how I’m feeling rather than what you’re doing wrong.

But I’ve realized lately that there are times when “I statements” actually cause more harm than good.   In such cases, it’s better to use “you-statements.”

One such time is when making apologies.   I’ve written a lot about apologies over the years, but it was only recently that I realized that I-statements make for poor apologies.  We typically say something like this:

• I was a jerk.
• I forgot.
• I should have been more sensitive.
• I drank too much.
• I was a terrible husband.
• I didn’t control my temper.
• I didn’t manage my time properly.
• I didn’t listen like I should have.
• I’m sorry.

At first glance, it seems that “calling myself out” like this equates to a good apology.   Am I not being humble and contrite?  Am I not taking responsibility for my bad behavior?   Yes, but something crucial is missing in these statements.

What’s missing is you.  Look how self-centered I am in each of the above apology statements.  It’s all about me.  The summary of it all is “Look how bad I am.”   What’s missing is any mention of you–the victim of my mistreatment.

It would be better to center the apology around you.

• You suffered disrespectful treatment when I was such a jerk to you.
• You were inconvenienced when I forgot.
• You were wounded by my insensitivity.
• You were frightened and made to feel insecure by my alcohol misuse.
• A wife deserves to be treated better by her husband.
• Your dignity was insulted when I lost my temper.
• You felt unheard and unimportant when I didn’t listen to you.
• You deserve more than a simple “I’m sorry”.

In my counseling office, what I refer to as a “full-orbed apology” contains these six “you-centered” elements:

1. You were hurt in these specific ways (name them) by what I did.
2. I feel genuine remorse and am embarrassed by what I did to you.
3. If there’s any way I can make it up to you I will.
4. I have learned from this failure of mine what I need to change to care for you better
5. I commit to treating you better in the future as a result of my failure.
6. I’m indebted to you, and I hope in time, you will be able to forgive me.

So the next time you fail (and you will!) why not try you-statements instead of I-statements.  My guess is that you’ll find it works much more effectively in repairing the damage you caused.