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Marriage is like Waterskiing!

August 13, 2026 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

A young man came to me in my office, fearful about getting engaged. Several of his friends had been telling him what hard work marriage is, to the point that he was questioning if it was even worth the effort.

Having just celebrated 40 years being married to Cindy, I assured him that marriage can be well worth the work required. And I surprised him by explaining that marriage is a lot like waterskiing. Let me tell you what I mean by that.

When I was a kid, I learned how to waterski at Lake Ripley, Wisconsin. My good friends, the Ericksons, had a boat, and during the summertime, they often invited me to join them. It was an adventure that I grew to love! Yes, it takes work, but when you get it figured out, it’s so delightful that you don’t even think about the work it takes.

How to ski.

When you first start out, you find yourself bobbing in the water with four initial tasks: 1. squeeze your feet into the tight rubber ski bindings, 2. grab the rope handle, 3. paddle your your body around so you are eventually facing the boat, and 4. raise your submerged ski tips to the surface and position them on each side the rope.

At the other end of the rope, of course, is the boat, which begins trolling forward until the rope tightens. That’s the moment where your arm strength is suddenly tested–you must grip the tow rope tightly while it lunges you forward through swirling water that is surprisingly heavy. If your grip slips, the rope springs forward while you plunge backward. It’s embarrassing when the boat must circle back, snagging you with the rope as it passes around you for your next attempt.

You try again and you hang on for life, and eventually you don’t lose your grip! Then, all of a sudden, the boat goes full-throttle! Not only must you grip the rope even harder, but now you must provide the correct amount of resistance between the rope and your skis, using the entire core of your body. Too little resistance propels you forward over your skis, causing you to face-plant into the water. Too much resistance throws you down on your back, ensuring a noseful of water. The trick is adjusting your resistance according to the speed of the boat. Giving up is tempting. For me it took many dropped ropes, face-plants, and noses full of water before I finally learned how not to crash at startup! (You can see that skiing takes a lot of effort even before you start to ski!)

And then comes the surprising part. As your speed increases, there comes a point where you literally pop up out of the water and find yourself on top of it rather than being dragged through it. Your skis, which had felt so heavy being dragged through the water, now feel weightless, hydroplaning effortlessly on the water’s surface. From this point on, it takes very little energy to keep yourself upright–in fact, you can now hold the rope with just one finger!

Instantly, the ride is exhilarating and the work seems minimal.

That’s exactly how I see healthy marriages.

Marriage takes a lot of work at first because there’s a big learning curve.

We have to shift from a “me” mentality to a “we” mentality.
We are forced to share–and as we learned in Kindergarten, sharing is hard!
This sharing involves our whole person and includes every element: time, space, and matter.
Where we differ, we must either defer, meet in the middle, or compromise.
We have to learn another language, i.e. love.
On those occasions when we fail to love we must be quick to apologize and forgive.
We have to learn to share concerns honestly, but constructively.
We have to accept unfairness and love unconditionally.

[Of course, it will take a lifetime to fully master all these things, but I believe that making even small efforts toward those goals will quickly “pop” your marriage up on top of the water.]

Once we get up to speed, Marriage is exhilarating and takes relatively little effort.

When you are convinced your spouse is “for” you, not “against” you will naturally give the benefit of the doubt.
When we feel genuinely loved in meaningful ways, it’s easy to want to love back.
When wounds are healed quickly, resentment never has time to creep in.
When respect is shown, it’s easier to show respect.
Where trust is unquestionably felt, intimacy is the natural result.
The absence of negative energy (fear, resentment, suspicion, neglect, and avoidance) builds up, rather than tears down.
Freedom and generosity flow freely.

Now I realize that a good number of marriages do not function as I’ve described above. Such marriages don’t seem like Waterskiing at all, but more like a constant struggle to keep one’s head above water. In my next post, I’ll talk about that, thinking about what obstacles might prevent marital enjoyment and what may be done about it.

The Ancient Egyptians’ relationship to death.

July 2, 2026 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

I’m writing this from Cairo, Egypt, where Cindy and I have been celebrating our upcoming 40th wedding anniversary with all of our kids and grandkids. If you know us, you know that our nest is emptier than most, so we sure do love the rare occasions when we can all be together! Being spread across three continents, Cairo was a central place for us all to gather.

It’s been a vacation we will never forget. The highlight, of course, was simply being together “in person” and getting to know our grandsons, who are now almost 5 and almost 2!

My family ascending the tunnel to the burial chamber within the Great Pyramid.

But touring Egypt was itself a delight; the highlight being the Pyramids. We walked around them and even got to go deep inside the Great Pyramid of Giza, the only surviving “Ancient Wonder of the World.” Astonishing and breathtaking. Built over 4,500 years ago, it was a burial site for a king named Khufu. It took 20 years to build and at its height of 481 feet, it held the record for being the tallest man-made structure for almost 4,000 years. How mind-blowing it was to actually touch 5,000 pound blocks of stone hand chiseled 4 millennia ago. And how overwhelming to think of the effort it took to stack these mammoth blocks into a structure the height of a 40-story building–without any modern equipment or technology.

The other tourism highlight was the Grand Egyptian Museum, which just fully opened this past November. Like the Pyramids, it’s also a massive structure that took decades to build, but it was constructed using GPS and laser-guided engineering tools, massive earth moving equipment, cranes, steel cabling, hydraulic lifts, etc. It cost a billion dollars just to build it.

It’s hard to miss the notable contrast between Ancient Egyptian architecture and our own. We go to great lengths to build museums. They went to even greater lengths to build tombs.

The finished Grand Egyptian Museum is now filled with 100,000 priceless artifacts, statues, and other relics that span the 2,500+ years of Ancient Egyptian history. (A number which makes America’s 250th birthday seem insignificant by comparison.)

King Tut’s solid gold coffin

The museum’s focal point is the King Tutankhamen exhibit. King Tut was a boy when he became king and he ruled only about 10 years, dying before he was 20. His only major accomplishment was building his own tomb. His tomb was not an above-ground pyramid like Khufu’s, rather Tut’s resting place was at ground level and got buried under sand, being discovered only about 100 years ago. Unlike almost all other tombs, his was never raided and the museum artfully displays just about all of its contents. The contents of young King Tut’s tomb tells us a lot about their view of death.

To say the Ancient Egyptians were obsessed with death is not an exaggeration.

The elaborate Construction of tombs. Building the Great Pyramid encompassed the final 20-30 years of King Khufu’s life and constructing it required 20-30,000 skilled workers. Imagine the job postings for that project: “Recruiting hard laborers to build a ginormous tomb for King Khufu and to secure his journey into the afterlife. Must be able to lift 5,000 pounds.”
The embalming of bodies. This was a laborious process which took the Ancient Egyptians 70 days. It involved removing and drying the organs in clay “canopic” jars, after which the rest of the body was dried with salts, then stuffed, and then wrapped in linen. King Tut’s embalmed body was placed in a coffin of solid gold (pictured above).
The transporting of bodies. The embalmed bodies were then moved to their burial sites with meticulous care. Archaeology reveals various stations on the journey to entomb the kings into their final resting places. King Tut’s gold coffin was placed within several larger nested coffins–all of which went inside a massive stone sarcophagus vault within the burial chamber.
Provisioning for the afterlife. Surrounding the body, the Ancient Egyptians then filled the chambers of the tomb to the brim with clothing and food and all the possessions of the king (substituting small models of larger items like boats). The museum displayed all of King Tut’s things, including the embalmed fetuses of his two miscarried children. We even got to see his underwear! All of this was found packed–very Tetris-like–into his tomb to provide for him in the afterlife.

The Ancient Egyptians’ obsession with death and the afterlife made me pause to reflect on our own relationship to death.

Today, people are increasingly obsessed with “not dying” as I blogged about during the pandemic. Yet death is inevitable, as is seen in the Judeo-Christian teaching that “from dust you came and to dust you will return.” It’s not a matter of whether or not we will die, it’s a matter of when.
For the Ancient Egyptian kings, their obsession wasn’t about avoiding death (they also saw it as inevitable), but on preparing for what happens after death.
The Ancient Egyptians understood that humans are more than just biological. They recognized that people have a spirit or soul that will transcend our fleshly life. This aligns with Christian doctrine which teaches that all humans will die and have to face eternity–either with God, or apart from Him. Scripture says “it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment.” Many naturalists will one day wish they had adopted a wider view of human nature that acknowledges the soul.
We don’t treat the interment of our deceased with anywhere near the meticulous care that the Egyptians did. The ancient Israelites also valued this, for example when Jacob and Joseph both asked that their bodies be embalmed and returned to the land of their ancestors. This isn’t emphasized as much in the Christian perspective.
People today may complain about high funeral and cemetery costs, but compared to the Egyptian kings, investment in our resting places is negligible. Large cemetery monuments and family mausoleums are a thing of the past and even visiting gravesites is not as prioritized as in previous generations. One factor may be Christianity’s recognition that our dead loved ones are not really there as the body and soul are separated at death. Paul taught that “to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.” Another factor may be that modern technology provides us many more ways to honor and remember our loved ones in lieu of visiting their graves.
We joke, “You never see a hearse pulling a U-Haul” and “You can’t take it with you,” but the Ancient Egyptians thought exactly the opposite. To them, you must physically take with you to your grave everything you’ll need in the afterlife–including clothes, food, and even model replicas of your possessions. They lived consistent with this worldview, which explains why a good chunk of their earthly lives were spent gathering things for the next.
I’ll conclude my reflections by sharing two things that I personally appreciate about the Christian teaching on death:

Christians don’t have to spend our lives laboring hard to attain a good afterlife. The clear teaching of the Bible is that eternal life is a free gift of God (Romans 6:23, Ephesians 2:8-9) and there’s nothing we need to do–or even can do–to get us there. My Christianity lets me live out my days with freedom and great joy, knowing that my eternity is already secure.
Christians don’t have to fear death at all because Jesus conquered death once and for all. By dying for our sins and rising to live again, Jesus demonstrated that he has the power to undo death itself. Hebrews says: “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” Simple faith in what Jesus did for us is all that is required. As Jonathan Edwards modeled, we can face even certain death without fear. My Christianity allows me to live without obsessing about when my death may come. This enables me to remain joyful despite the risks and uncertainties of this mortal life.

I frequently meditate on this quote from Isaac the Syrian, a seventh century bishop: “Prepare your heart for departure. If you are wise, you will expect it every hour… And when the time of departure comes, go joyfully to meet it, saying: ‘Come in peace. I knew you would come, and I have not neglected anything that could help me on the journey.’”

That’s something to obsess about!

Never say “Thank you.”

April 25, 2026 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

It occurred to me that I ought to add another “Never say” post to join Never say “I’m sorry,” Never say “Trust me,” and Never say “Forgive me.”

This time, I’m desecrating another linguistic norm by suggesting we avoid saying “Thank you.” Now I know what you’re thinking, who could possibly take issue with saying Thank you?

To begin with, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be grateful; not only is it a mark of good character, Scripture repeatedly commands us to be thankful, most notably, 1 Thessalonians 5:18: “In everything give thanks.” So I’m not promoting ungratefulness.

What I am advocating is that we express our gratitude without using the words “Thank you.”

What’s my problem? you wonder. It’s this–in my observation, saying “Thank you” often has little to do with expressions of deep gratitude. How so?

“Thank you” can be used as a veiled command, such as “Thank you for taking out the trash before you go to bed.” This feels more like nagging than gratitude.

“Thank you” can be said presumptuously. I’ll thank you to keep your opinion to yourself. This feels more like scolding than gratitude.

“Thank you” can be said snarkily, with a roll of the eyes, “Thanks, IRS.” This is criticism, not gratitude.

But my biggest objection to “Thank you” is how it is so often used to express gratitude flippantly. It has become a literary cliché, a social formality, which has lost depth of meaning. Just like “I’m sorry,” or “Hey, how’s it goin?,” the phrase “Thank you” has become a token response rather a conveyor of anything meaningful.

For example, if someone opens the door, we’ll automatically say, “Thank you.” It’s the polite, expected response, but it’s anything but real communication–you don’t even have to look the person in the eyes during such an exchange. Ironically, the doorholder is more of a placeholder than an actual human being.

In a world where people are becoming increasingly disconnected (thanks, Covid and AI!) I’m advocating that we engage with people more deeply by forsaking the shallow “Thank you” for something deeper, more substantive. Let’s take gratitude to a new level by finding alternative ways to express it. Doing so will involve using “I-statements” and “you-statements.”

“I-statements” of gratitude.

I’ve written about unhelpful uses of “I-statements,” but gratitude is a good occasion to use them! It moves the conversation away from empty formalities and uses heart language. “I appreciate you holding that door for me” says so much more than “Thank you.” It leads toward eye contact and is an invitation for further conversation.

Focus on meaning. My last essay recommended using words of meaning to make a request. In a similar way, acknowledging how “it meant a lot when you did such and such,” is a heartfelt way to express appreciation after the fact. Think of the positive reinforcement that happens when we highlight the value of what we’ve been given.

Think of how your relationships will improve simply by describing how you have been impacted by someone’s care.

I feel so blessed by what you did.
Thanks for making my day.
What a load you’ve lifted off my shoulders by your efforts.
I so appreciate your help with this.

[I do recognize that “I-statements” may not be easy for those who struggle with receiving help. Many people would rather be the giver and thus they struggle being the receiver. There’s a lot to be said about this, but it’s something I’ll have to save for a future essay.]

“You-statements” of gratitude.

Whether or not people are comfortable receiving help, everyone can express gratitude meaningfully by using “you-statements.” Here the focus is on the other person’s generosity.

It was so kind of you to do that.
How thoughtful of you.
You went out of your way to do that.
How nice of you.
You generosity was overwhelming.
You’ve been a real blessing.

For maximum personal connection, I suspect the best way to express gratitude may be a combination of “I-statements” and “you-statements.”

Your thoughtfulness meant so much to me.
I noticed how you went out of your way to help me and I am so grateful.
What a kind thing you did to lighten my load in such a way.
My anxiety has been alleviated thanks to your generous assistance.

Am I saying we should never, ever say the words “Thank you”? Maybe, maybe not. I admit I’ve used a bit of hyperbole to make my point. But how about let’s go ahead and experiment with not saying it–and see what difference it makes! Maybe we’ll be convinced to never say “thank you.”

It would mean a lot if you could say that very thing.

April 12, 2026 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

When you’d like help from someone, the approach you take makes a big difference. First, let me share some approaches that I find don’t work so well.

OPTION 1. Telling someone what “needs to be done.” This is an invitation for push back. It takes an authoritative stance and may even seem condescending. If someone tells me the garage needs cleaning or the carpet needs shampooing, it’s an open invitation for me to disagree. Such “needs language” shifts the attention onto whether or not this is technically a need, and even if it is important, it might not rank very high on my priority list. The likely result of Option 1 will be either debate or dismissal, something I wrote about when I scrapped Cindy’s Honey-Do List.

OPTION 2. Telling someone what “you want them to do.” This approach successfully avoids the “needs” debate. It’s straightforward, and feels slightly more personal than Option 1, but if you tell people too often what you want them to do for you, they may start to view you as demanding or controlling. Even if you lead with a “please,” it may still feel like a veiled command, which will still seem controlling.

OPTION 3. Guilt someone into doing something for you. Some people are good at keeping score as a way to get action, reminding the other person of all that you have done for them and how much they owe you. Or they might appeal to their rank or position: “How could you not help out your poor old mother?” Neither approach works: the other person will rightly view this as covert manipulation and be disinclined to help.

So if those approaches don’t work, what’s a better way to get someone to help?

A BETTER OPTION

I’ve been discovering the value of using the following phrase,

“It would mean a lot to me if you could…”

Let me break it down, starting at the end of my recommended phrase.

Ending it with “if you could” is important because it makes the request neither presumptuous nor imperative. It feels respectful of the other person’s free will and autonomy. (In contrast, using “If you would” seems to question the other person’s willingness and using “you should” brings us back to that condescending “needs language.”) Saying “if you could” also reminds us that the matter at hand is merely a want and not a need.

But the real value of the phrase is the first part. “It would mean a lot to me if…” This is heart language! A request made this way goes beyond the action desired and gets right to the heart — the meaning behind the action.

As we learned in discussing the Love Languages, people in healthy relationships know how to deliver meaningful things to one another. Letting others know what we find meaningful is a gift to them, giving them the joy of doing something worthwhile.

So I encourage you to give my phrase a try. I’ll bet it would mean a lot to others if you did!

Disclaimer: Of course, all of this presumes you’re relating with someone who actually cares about your heart. If they don’t, then sadly, your only option to get help from them may be to use one of the three Options above. We can’t control how others behave, we are responsible only for ourselves. Yet, even when the relationship is not 50-50, I encourage you to be the bigger person and seek to do things that are meaningful to them.

You’re Not That Special!

February 27, 2026 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

If you were to come to my counseling office as a client, there’s a good chance at some point you would hear me tell you, “You’re not that special!” Wait…what?

It doesn’t sound like something a good counselor would say. I mean, in today’s modern therapeutic world, aren’t counselors supposed to make people feel encouraged, confident, and exceptional?

It also doesn’t sound like something Mark Forstrom would say–after all, wasn’t I the one who wrote recently about how people are precious? Insulting people isn’t something people would expect from me.

So why do I say this to most of my counselees? I say it when I perceive either of these conditions:

1. They can’t forgive themselves.

Some people are so ashamed of what they’ve done that they have put themselves in a category of “unforgiveable.” They think God can forgive everyone else on the planet, but somehow they view their sins as too big. Perhaps this viewpoint stems from how disappointed they feel about what they did. Perhaps they were raised in a shame-based family. Perhaps they struggle with pride and their failures have shattered their self-perception. Whatever the cause, they all need to learn that they all belong to the same race of sinful humans that Christ died to save. God so loved “the world” –and unless you live on another planet, that surely includes you! You’re not in a different class–you’re not that special!

On a related note, it’s important to realize that God loves people not because any of us are inherently special, rather he loves in spite of us. God chose Israel not because they were greater or more righteous than the other nations–they were not. He chose them simply because He chose to do so. And He does that with us as well. He doesn’t choose the qualified; he qualifies His chosen. That should erase any notion that God’s willingness to forgive depends on our worthiness. We’re all equally unworthy. Election is unconditional. Salvation is a gift, not an accomplishment.

2. They don’t know they’re actually normal.

Some people need to hear they’re not that special if their situation simply corresponds to the predictable laws of fallen humanity.

For example, when someone feels verbally attacked and then either shuts down or gets defensive, we shouldn’t be surprised–we all do that when someone takes us to the Woodshed! When someone feels numb for a period of time after a loss, they don’t need to beat themselves up for it–they just need to realize they’re simply going through predictable stages of grief. When teenagers view mom and dad as clueless, that’s not exceptional, that’s just what a lot of teenagers naturally do during their transition from dependent childhood to independent adulthood. [Take heart, those same parents will be regarded as brilliant before long!]

If you suffer from post-partum depression, you’re not that special, you’re simply struggling with something predictable that many new moms deal with. If you struggle with anxiety, you’re not crazy; a ton of people you see today are going through the very same thing. If you struggle with inappropriate sexual, lustful thoughts, guess what? So does just about everyone you’ve ever met!

Those things still need addressing, but it’s important to know that you’re not alone in your struggles. You’re simply a broken human living in a broken world. You’re not that special.

On a related note, social media is a huge obstacle to accurate self-perception. Everyone portrays their “perfect” lives online and we can’t help but compare our lives of struggle to the “wonderful” lives of others. This makes us feel inferior, deficient, and abnormal–we feel like we’re the only ones with problems.

Two things would help:

Radically limit your indulgence in social media. Studies consistently prove that there is a direct correlation between the amount of time a person spends on social media and anxiety, depression, mental illness, stress, insomnia, etc. Setting down your phone might be your best form of self-care.
Let’s be honest. We need to interact with others much more transparently. Let’s find trusted people that we can be real with. Let’s take off the masks, sharing our burdens, disclosing our struggles, and normalizing the things normal humans struggle with. Rather than living on the surface, pretending to be “fine,” let’s admit we’re human and support each other’s growth!

By the way, this is where the church has such great potential: We know about grace, mercy, forgiveness, bearing each others’ burdens, building up, encouraging, praying for each other, and weeping with those who weep. By being “broken together” we’ll actually end up much less broken than suffering alone pretending we’re not broken.

Simply put, we’re not that special!

You don’t have to eat what you like.

December 7, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 3 Comments

Several years ago, I wrote a humorous piece, with the phrase: You don’t have to like it to eat it. Besides revealing my own disordered eating habits, it presented what I think is a crucial life principle: we mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives expel everything we find unpleasant.

I’ve had many good conversations about that essay, but recently it struck me that an equally important principle can be derived from the inverse of the same phrase. This essay makes the case that you don’t have to eat what you like.

Here’s the new principle:

We mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives ingest everything we find pleasant.

In other words, there are cravings we ought to say no to.

It’s been this way from the very beginning. Our first parents were the first to mess this up: ^“So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” (Genesis 3:6.) What looked and tasted so desirable to our forebears, quickly turned sour in their mouths–and the fallen world has been a mess ever since.

Apparently, Guinea Pigs are a lot like humans. One day, when our kids were young, I was cleaning out the refrigerator and it occurred to me that this old onion would be a wonderful snack for Brenda’s beloved pet, “Patches”. The Guinea Pig absolutely loved it, gobbling it right down. He seemed so happy and I was so pleased with myself. The next day, Cindy noticed something wasn’t right. As she watched, Patches twitched and convulsed and then died right in front of her. Apparently, it’s not just humans that need to be careful about following cravings. I was not awarded “Father of the Year” that year.

What makes this principle of not acting on our cravings so important? Here are some reflections:

1. Indulging can harm us. This one is the most obvious. If I eat everything I want, I’ll be fat. If I buy everything that looks desirable, I’ll be broke. If I consume every stimulant that entices me, I’ll be an addict. If I spend my time doing just the things that please me, I’ll be a burden to the world. If I develop a craving for poison, I’ll die.

2. Contentment is a virtue. Having joy despite not getting everything thing I want is a sign of maturity. Without contentment, we’ll be miserable on the treadmill of chasing everything that is bigger, better, shinier, or newer.

3. Having a desire doesn’t justify it. Just as we shouldn’t say everything that we’re thinking, we shouldn’t indulge everything we’re feeling. Craving something doesn’t give me a right to have it. What I want to do and what I should do are two different things. This is why society needs laws–to deter people from doing the harmful things they may feel like doing if they could get away with it. This is why…

a good parent doesn’t automatically give in to all their kids’ cravings, whether sweets, technology, or expensive sport teams.
a good parent implements natural consequences even though it may cause the kid discomfort.
a good parent let’s their kids experience the discomfort of personal failure, recognizing that discomfort is a great teacher.
a good school doesn’t let kids do whatever they want, it challenges kids to do the hard work of sitting still and learning. Kids shouldn’t rule the school!
a good government doesn’t let any of us run rampant, it helps restrain us from ourselves.

4. Today’s culture confuses desire with identity. Our world now says, “you are what you crave.” If you feel like doing it, having it, or being it, you should get what you want! In fact you must–in order to be your true authentic self. Individual expressionism has surpassed reason, science, and common sense. There are some things we cannot actually be, no matter how much we may want to be that thing. E.g., if I desire to be an amputee (and some people do), the answer isn’t to cut off my leg, it’s to change my thinking and accept reality. Our culture needs to blow the dust off of the Serenity Prayer and accept the things that are immutable.

5. Desires can change. Today’s world wants our feelings to define us, but it forgets that desires can change. I might drool over the pan of warm brownies, but as soon as I learn it was made with dog poop as an ingredient, suddenly I stop salivating. We all acquire a taste for things we used to loathe and we sometimes loathe things we used to crave. Feelings are fickle and we shouldn’t put too much emphasis on them.

6. We can create a Jesus who doesn’t exist. This cultural emphasis on feelings has invaded Christianity as well, defining Jesus as someone who exists only to believe in us and make us feel good about ourselves. Instead of being made in God’s image, we’ve made God into our own image, a custom-designed Jesus, who wants nothing more than for us to be happy.

This departs from reality. The real Jesus, as recorded in the Gospels by the eyewitnesses who knew him, did not tell his followers to expect a life of comfort, safety, and ease. Instead he promised hardship, persecution, trouble, suffering, and the need to “take up your cross daily.” His famous Sermon on the Mount, commands us to do many uncomfortable things: turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, love our enemies, turn away from sinful cravings, give to the needy, forgive others, and take the log out of our eye, All of those include significant amounts of discomfort.

7. Thankfully, we can have joy in spite of not getting what we crave. Jesus shows us the way by modeling this. In Hebrews 12:2-3 we read about “Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we must forsake all the things we crave. God custom-designed us with five senses; there are many delights that God has given us to enjoy!

What I am saying is simply this: We mustn’t let the tastebuds of our lives ingest everything we find pleasant. There are desirable things we must say “no” to.

In other words, “You don’t have to eat what you like.”

How Could It Not Occur to You?

November 10, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

When dealing with people, I sometimes hear a voice in my head saying, “How could it not occur to you?”

Over the years, I’ve noticed that it does not occur to people…

to rush over and give me a foot-rub.
to leave the dirty dishes unstacked.
to mumble less and speak up so I can hear them.
to remove the hair clogging the shower drain screen.
to turn off the lights when they leave a room.
to remove the laundry from the dryer.
to add to the shopping list the item you just used up.
to let us know when they arrive at their destination in a foreign country.
to send more pictures of the grandkids!

Lest you think I’m pointing fingers here, everyone in my family is likely saying the same thing about me.

It usually doesn’t occur to Mark

to put the tools away after completing a project.
to shut the cupboard doors.
to clean up the clutter off the floor.
to put the toothpaste back in the drawer.
to rake the leaves in the yard.
to withhold giving my kids advice until it is asked for.
to ask others before spray-painting our cars.

It’s a universal problem, but I have the perfect solution — everyone should become just like me!

If everyone was exactly like me.

I’d never be annoyed or frustrated.
I’d never be disappointed or caught off guard.
People would always attend to my every need.
They’d always say exactly the things that I want to hear.
They’d know when to leave me alone and when to engage with me.
They’d always do things precisely the right way every time [meaning my way, of course!].

The problem with my perfect solution is that no one can be me.

No one can read my mind.
No one can see through my eyes.
No one can anticipate what I would want.
No one can feel the feelings my body feels.
No one has the exact same Love Languages as me.
No one has my same concerns, fears, hopes, or solutions as I have.
No one knows exactly what I know or has exactly the same background that I have.
No one has the same expectations as I do.
No one has the same hang-ups, quirks, and dysfunctions that I have–and believe me, I have a LOT!

People can’t be me, and they can’t be you either!

So, seriously then, how do we handle it when people don’t get it–it simply doesn’t occur to them?

Recently, I had an epiphany about this that I want to share.

I’m realizing that I have two options when I start to think: “How can it not occur to you…?”

OPTION #1: Incredulity. (This is the option that comes naturally.)

Option 1 is the default. We become angry and feel wounded or victimized. We ruminate on how the person ought to have known better. We keep track of how many times we’ve told them what we want, and we keep score on how long it’s been since they did things the right way (i.e., our way).

Those of us who are non-confrontational “people-pleasers” will Stuff our incredulous feelings and become cold-shouldered toward others. Those who are more confrontational will likely take others to the Woodshed or the House of Mirrors. None of this accomplishes anything useful.

Option #1 may feel justified, but it just isn’t helpful. Its focus is blame and shame and negativity. It expects others to be mind readers. It forgets that they are humans who often fail. It wastes time, makes us bitter, and creates a wedge between us and others.

OPTION #2. Ask a direct, polite question with an explanation of why it matters to you.

Rather than expect the other person to intuitively think like me, I’m finding it more useful to just verbalize what I’d like right now–and why.

Could you do me a favor and rub my feet? They are sore from running and that would mean a lot to me.
Can you help me with the dishes? That would really make me happy.
Would you be able to remove your load of clothes from the dryer so I can get mine dry?
Can you let me know what your flight plans are so I don’t worry about you?
It means a lot when you remember to put the toothpaste in the drawer. Could you work on remembering that?
Would you be able to rake the leaves by Monday when the vacuum truck is scheduled to come to our street?
Can you send us a video of grandson Jake making his hilarious donkey sound? We would love to see it!

Rather than waiting for things to magically “occur” to others, let’s just ask for what we’d like right now. It’s so much more useful!

The sin of not showing empathy.

October 13, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 2 Comments

In my last post, on fixing things, I spoke about the need to fix your relationship with a person (Fix#1) prior to fixing their problems (Fix#2). I mentioned that the thing required in Fix#1 is empathy.

Empathy has gotten a bad rap lately, some even calling it a sin, so I thought it would be helpful to write out my thoughts on this important topic. I’ve referred to empathy in many of my blog posts, so I’d better explain what I mean by that word! I don’t claim to have the definitive word on what empathy is or ought to be, but I can at least explain what I have meant when using the word.

Admittedly, there is much cultural dissention today about what empathy is. It all depends on what you mean by the word. Charlie Kirk distinguished between empathy and sympathy, disdaining the former and favoring the latter. Others like Brené Brown favor empathy over sympathy. Joe Rigney recently wrote a book, The Sin of Empathy.

Some say empathy equates to feeling the feelings of others. Others have said empathy is about connection with a hurting person. Some define empathy as affirming someone’s “personal truth.” Some see empathy as pandering to the sensitivities of others or advocating against injustice.

Ironically, but sadly, relationships have actually been severed over the word empathy, creating all the more need for it!

Some see empathy as a good thing, others as a bad thing.

It all depends on what you mean by the word.

Three factors may be at play with the dissention about empathy.

Definitions. Words change meaning over time. One example is the word tolerance, which used to mean the allowance of opposing views to be freely heard. Today, I’m called intolerant if I don’t applaud popular views which may be contrary to mine. Empathy is another one of those words that everyone is redefining.
Assumptions. We tend to assume what others mean when they use the word empathy. The problem is few people take the time to listen to what is meant by words. For example, when Joe Rigney calls empathy “a sin” he’s not attacking empathy per se (i.e. the sharing of emotions) but he makes a good case against what he calls “untethered empathy,” which he defines as “an excess of compassion, when our identification with and sharing of the emotions of others overwhelms our minds and sweeps us off our feet.”
Reactiveness. People tend to react to words before learning what is meant by the words. We live on the level of sound-bites, which can lead to fear, alarm, or sensationalism. Calling empathy a SIN is sure to get people’s attention, a fact that I was not unaware of when I gave this post its title. The unclarity in the contemporary use of empathy can get reactions. .

So what do I, Mark Forstrom, mean–and not mean–when I use the word empathy in my posts?

In my view…

Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through. No more, no less.
Having empathy does not imply that we feel the same feelings as another person No one can understand exactly what anyone is going through. We see through different eyes and are affected quite differently by life’s challenges. No one hurts the same way, grieves the same way, or finds meaning in things the same way. We can be affected by the emotions of others, but we do not replicate them exactly.
Empathy takes seriously the emotions of others without minimizing or mocking them. I used to really fail at this, being logical, practical, and judgmental. I didn’t have much patience for the emotions of others. Thankfully, I’ve been challenged in this area over the years, and have learned how to acknowledge others’ emotions without judgment–whether or not I share them. As this is a required skill for counselors, I’m glad I’m becoming proficient in this area!
Empathy should transcend human divisions. I should be able to show empathy equally to people I agree with or disagree with. Scripture commands me to love even my enemies, and showing empathy is part of that.
Showing empathy toward a person in distress doesn’t mean that I view their distress as necessary or healthy. People can bring on their own distress. Empathy shows that we care that they are hurting even if their pain is self-inflicted or unnecessary. When our kids fail by acting irresponsibly, we don’t mock them, we don’t lecture them, we don’t say “I told you so”. Instead, we show empathy in the moment–and let natural consequences be their teacher.
Empathy mustn’t soothe people in ways that would harm them. We should support them in their immediate pain, but we mustn’t support things that would harm them. We don’t provide beer to the distraught alcoholic. This corresponds to the principles I value in When Helping Hurts.
Empathy does not jettison reality for the sake of feelings. We don’t feed dog food to someone who is devastated that they weren’t born in a dog’s body. We meet them where they are, but we don’t leave them there.
Empathy applies to the short-term needs of the moment. It is part of triage–it may function as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. Other interventions will likely be needed to attain wholeness after the person has stabilized.
As said in my last post, empathy is the first part of a two-step process. Immediate emotional support (Fix #1) followed by helping them find wholeness (Fix #2).
Most personal growth happens not through receiving empathy, but through the discomfort of being challenged upward. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” Proverbs 27:6

In summary, to me…

Empathy is noticing and acknowledging that a person is in pain or distress and showing that you care about what they are going through.

No more, no less.

It’s simply saying: “You’re hurting and I care about that.”

In my view it would be a sin not to do that!

For those who like to fix things.

September 1, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

Some of us are fixers.

We don’t like problems–they make us uncomfortable. We want problems to go away. Right now! Problems stress us out. That’s why we need to fix things.

Fixers come in handy when it comes to home improvements. Or car repairs. Or pest control.

But unfortunately, fixers don’t do well in relationships. In fact, they tend to break relationships. It’s very ironic in that their attempts to fix relationships fixers actually break them even more.

When it comes to relationships, it’s the fixers that need fixing! So how do you fix that?

Well, there’s a two-minute video that I think really helps. I show it to all my counseling clients who are fixers. I’ve shown it scores of times. It’s hilarious, and yet profound. I suggest you watch it right now. Here’s the link: It’s Not About the Nail.

Spoiler alert: please watch the video before reading on! You’ll be glad you did.

There is much to learn from this goofy little video. Here are the things my clients and I process.

The most serious problem portrayed is not the nail! The biggest problem is that there is wife who feels uncared for, unheard, dismissed, and alone in her marriage. She experiences pain, but worse than that, she suffers alone.
Obviously, the nail is also a problem. It is the secondary problem, yet it’s the only problem the husband sees. “Get rid of that nail and everything will be fine,” he thinks.
The husband is clearly uncomfortable with her distress, in fact, her distress gives him distress! That’s why he rushes to fix the problem. He cares for his own comfort rather making her feel cared for. He clearly lacks empathy, a topic I plan to blog about soon.
She finally convinces him that she wants him to just listen to her, which he reluctantly agrees to.
When she’s finished talking, the pivotal moment comes when he says those four words, “That sounds really hard.” I’d call that a very weak show of support, but even so, it impacts her profoundly. She melts before him. Suddenly she’s not alone; she feels heard and understood. She’s immediately drawn to him both emotionally as well as physically–that is, until their ill-timed collision sets them back!

For you fixers, here are the lessons I want you to take away from the video.

First. Remember that there are actually TWO problems that need fixing. And the glaring one you so easily see is of lesser importance. It is far more important that your friend feels cared for and not bypassed. The two problems BOTH need to be fixed.

Second. You must fix the bigger (invisible) problem first (FIX #1) and the smaller (obvious) problem second (FIX #2.) If you fail to do them in this order you may get the nail out, but your friend will remain feeling alone and uncared for in your friendship. You will have focused on a problem and entirely missed the person who has the problem.

Third. Fixing the invisible problem of your friend’s hurting heart will not be intuitive to you. Don’t try to guess what fix is needed, but plainly ask instead. One of my favorite questions to ask when I see someone I love in distress is this: “What do you need from me right now?” It’s a no-fail question. Whatever the answer is will be exactly the fix you’re looking for in FIX #1. Make it a habit to ask this question whenever you see someone in distress: “What do you need from me right now?” Their answer might be…

“I need a hug”
“I need some space”
“I need you just to listen to me”
“I need a backrub”
“Can you finish the dishes?–I’m exhausted”
“Can you help me think this through?”
“Can you remind me that it’s going to be ok?”
Can you pray for me?
“I don’t know what I need, but thanks for asking and when I think of something, I’ll let you know”

Whatever your friend says, you’ve learned the perfect thing to do. The person will feel loved, understood, and valued–even by you asking the question.

And eventually, their answer will be…

“I need you to help me get this nail out of my head! It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for! And that’s where your skills at fixing will actually come in handy. The difference is that now you’ll be doing FIX #2 together as a team with hearts connected!

Parental Control is NOT the Answer!

April 28, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

In 2017, I first published this series of seven essays about how to change the behavior of kids. In the eight years since I first wrote this, the behavior of kids has only gotten worse! In 2025, I feel as strongly as ever about these principles and want to present them again with a few additions.

I want begin by talking about PARENTAL CONTROL because the way you wield control will not only affect your kids’ long-term well-being, but also your lifelong relationship with them.

Let’s begin by defining the word.

CONTROL

[kuh n-trohl] verb (used with object), controlling.

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

As the authorities of the home, parents certainly have a God-given right and responsibility to exert control over their kids. Control is a critical component of nurturing, especially since kids are born weak, with neither the ability to take care of themselves or exercise sound judgement.

We’ve all seen kids who are “out of control” and wondered where their parents were!

But I want us to give some thought to the amount of control that parents should exert over their kids during the course of their kid’s childhood. I’ve observed that many parents overextend their use of control or aren’t willing to relinquish it.

Once, when I hosted a parenting class, we charted out what an ideal amount of parental control ought to be for developmentally normal kids over the course of 20 years.

Here’s what we came up with…

You’ll note that for the first year or so, it seems the parent has zero control — indeed the child controls the parents! The baby cries: the parent feeds him. The child poops: and the parent rushes to change the diaper! Like it or not, that’s how it works!

But before long, the parent begins to exercise a high amount of control over the kids. In fact, the parent is now controlling almost every thing in the child’s world: what he wears, where she goes, who and what he can play with, what she can touch, etc. This of course is necessary because the child has no capacity to make such decisions.

Now let’s fast forward–in our minds–to the day that child will leave for college. (Keep in mind that we’re talking about developmentally normal kids.) How much control should the parent still be asserting? I say almost none!

Think about it –by this time in their journey our kids should be able to function almost completely apart from parental control. When they graduate from high school they ought to be well on their way to be managing their own lives: their health, their friends, their finances, their choices, their education, their hygiene, their sleep habits, their decision making, their church involvements, their workload, etc. with little –if any–parental controls in force.

But sadly, that’s not how it works in many homes. Out of worry and fear some parents maintain a high level of control all throughout the teen years. Â Then they send their kids off to college where the kids suddenly find they are without any parental control at all. They love it — free at last! But those unfortunate kids are the ones who will naturally misuse their newfound freedom, running up credit card debt, partying their freshman year away, accumulating untold baggage, and discovering how ill-prepared they really were to manage their own lives.

They’ve had guardrails imposed on them their whole life and consequently they never learned to set their own.

Let’s not do that! As the chart shows, our control over our kids should gradually diminish over time and they should be increasingly taking control of their own lives. No, it won’t be as smooth a curve as I indicated on the chart above — it will zig and zag a bit, based on the responsibility that our kids show as they practice managing their own lives.

But they should be given a measure of control–and along with it–opportunities for epic failure. Better to try and fail in high school where the stakes are lower and where parents are nearby to help process their life management abilities. If they don’t learn how to set their own guardrails in high school they’ll never be able to do so in college where the stakes are high.

A parents’ ultimate goal should be be to gradually relinquish control more and more until the kids are effectively running their own lives — even if we don’t necessarily like everything they choose to do with their control.

What will this require?

As they grow older we have to increasingly give them responsibilities.
Over time we will have to willfully, intentionally, and gradually diminish the things we control.
We will have to let them experiment with managing their own lives.
We will need to process their mistakes with them.

Three things that would keep us from relinquishing control.

Fear. We have to trust God for things we can’t control. It’s as much of a spiritual battle as it is a physical one.
Discomfort. It’s much more comfortable for us to keep them on our radar and under our control.
Hard Realities. We know the dangers that are lurking out in the world and we also know our kids’ particular weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Fear, Discomfort, and the Hard Realities all make us hesitate to relinquish any control–in fact, we’re tempted to increase it. We tend to reign our teenage kids in closer and tighter so we don’t have to worry so much.

But the more control we assert over teenagers, the more likely it is that they will grow to resent us — some for a lifetime. Some will be counting the days until they can legally exit our home and be free of us completely. Ironically, those kids will end up doing the very things our use of control was trying to prevent them from doing in the first place.

Discouraged? Don’t be. Luckily we have a powerful tool in our parenting tool belt that is even greater than control. It’s called INFLUENCE.

We’ll discuss that in my next post…

markforstrom.com

Marriage is like Waterskiing!

The Ancient Egyptians’ relationship to death.

Never say “Thank you.”

It would mean a lot if you could say that very thing.

You’re Not That Special!

You don’t have to eat what you like.

How Could It Not Occur to You?

The sin of not showing empathy.

For those who like to fix things.

Parental Control is NOT the Answer!

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