The Consequences of Using Immediate Consequences

January 6, 2025 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

This is a reworking of an essay I wrote back in 2014. I feel as strongly about it now as I did then–in fact, I often share this concept when counseling parents. I hope you find this update helpful…

Somehow, most of us grew up with the idea that when it comes to disciplining our kids, we must implement immediate consequences. Except in the case of toddlers, I totally disagree!

The concept of immediate consequences aligns with the behavior modification approaches taught in psychology. BF Skinner effectively trained rats this way, using immediate consequences and rewards as part of what is called operant conditioning.

But kids aren’t rats! Think about how children’s brains are vastly different from those of animals! Kids are capable of reflecting on the past, anticipating what may happen in the future, and utilizing reason–things that rats just can’t do. These capabilities are unique to humans who are made in the image of God. With kids, I’ve found that immediate consequences with kids may indeed modify behavior, but negatively so–and not in the ways we intend.

Let’s say your kid…

destroys his sister’s favorite toy
or throws something in anger and breaks your TV
or comes in a half hour late from curfew
or has alcohol on his breath.

Would an immediate consequence be helpful in these cases? I say no.

Here are four reasons why using immediate consequences backfires.

Our lack of objectivity. First of all, we are implementing a consequence at a time when we (the consequence-givers) are likely red-hot with anger. The chances of us thinking objectively at this point is remote; we are likely in “fight-or-fight” mode, flooded with emotion. In moments like this, we tend to be unreasonably harsh, impulsively implementing quick punishments (intended to inflict discomfort on the kid) rather than thoughtful, corrective discipline (intended to help the kid learn and grow).
The kid’s perception of us. If we appear visibly steamed while imposing a consequence, the child perceives that the consequence was motivated by our anger rather than reasonableness, concern, and care. Regardless of what we actually say, what the kid will hear is this: “Son, you just made us really mad, so now we’re going to respond in a way that makes you just as mad.” Such a perception diverts the kid’s attention away from the actual problem (his behavior), to a something else (our hot-headedness). He will conclude that our behavior is the problem rather than his.
The kid’s lack of objectivity. We’d be putting a consequence in place at a time when our kid (the consequence-receiver) is also in fight-or-flight mode due to him or her being caught-in-the-act. The kid will likely be flooded with his or her own negative emotions–embarrassment, guilt, defensiveness, anger, etc. In such a condition, he or she wouldn’t be able to listen well or think objectively, so it would be fruitless to enact a consequence at that moment. Once everyone had calmed down, everyone would be better able think clearly and understand what the kid did wrong and what would make things right.
Our isolation. Lastly, immediate consequences force us to make a quick, impulsive, knee-jerk, on-the-fly reactions without any outside help. Other parents and parenting experts could offer us a wealth of wisdom, but that is not available when we impulsive lay down the law in the heat of the moment. For parents who are married, waiting would allow both parents to decide together what a reasonable consequence would be. Parents can then present the consequence to the kids as a unified team, preventing kids from playing parents against each other (i.e., “good cop/bad cop”).

So Immediate Consequences are to be avoided. But what is the alternative?

Here’s my solution:

Immediate Acknowledgement with Delayed Consequences.

This two-step formula is simple:

Acknowledge that some unacceptable behavior just occurred.
Buy yourself some time by informing the child that a consequence will be needed, but you’ll need time to think about what consequence would be best.

Here are some examples of how this might sound in the moment when the misbehavior has occurred.

“Billy, the way you just spoke to me felt very disrespectful and I’m not ok with that. Something needs to be done about this and I’m going to take some time to figure out what to do about it. I’ll talk to your dad and some friends to get their input and when we’ve reached our decision we’ll get back to you about how it will be handled.”
“Sally, your reckless driving caused damage to my car and the bumper is obviously going to need to be replaced. I’m pretty angry right now, but I’m going give myself some time to cool off and talk to some other parents and then I will figure out what would be the appropriate way to handle this with you. As soon as I figure it out I’ll get back to you.”
“Jane, you told us you’d be home at 11 pm and it’s now 12:15 when you’re walking in the door. We’ve been anxious and scared for the past hour and we’re honestly pretty steamed right now. We’re not in a good place to make decisions about this right now so we’re going to need some time to figure out what to do. We’re glad you’re safe and we love you, but right now it would be best for us all to go straight to bed. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

MY STORY.

I’d like to share a story where I profoundly experienced the value of “Immediate Acknowledgement with a Delayed Consequence.” It happened many years ago when I was a youth pastor. One night during youth group, I was informed of the misbehavior of a couple of students who had been caught sneaking away from the group. I pulled them aside afterward, and explained how their behavior was entirely unacceptable, but that I was unsure how best to respond. There would be a consequence, I told them, but I needed to think if over to make sure it was fair to them. I told them I’d get back to them as soon as I figured out what to do. A day or so later, I got a beautiful FB message from one of the kids, sincerely apologizing for what they had put me through. They explained that they had talked together about their misbehavior and they both wanted me to know how this situation had opened up their eyes to their sinfulness. They humbly expressed their commitment for it to never happen again. Wow! Problem solved!

As the example above shows, an added benefit of delaying the consequences is that it gives the kids time to wrestle with their behavior, and sometimes, they end up solving their problem themselves! In this case, the kids really didn’t need me to impose consequences on them at all– their expressions of remorse demonstrated that they had learned from their mistake and their apology mended our strained relationship. In fact, this whole incident actually brought us closer–a bond that continued through the rest of their high school years!

So the added blessing of delayed consequences is this: during the time-lapse between Step 1: Acknowledgement and Step 2: Delayed Consequences, sometimes the kids do some good thinking on their own and take responsibility to solve their own problems.

AN ALTERNATE ENDING TO MY STORY.

Imagine how different things would have ended had I imposed an immediate consequence on those high school kids:

Hot-Headed Mark: “I’m so furious with you two! Shame on you! You embarrassed me by sneaking off and misbehaving during youth group. I expected more from you two–you’re supposed to be leaders! You’ve broken my trust and that’s going to be really hard to regain. I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget: effective immediately, you’re both grounded from youth group for a month! But just know that when you come back–I’ll be watching you!

What would their reaction be? “That Mark Forstrom is such a jerk! He’s so judgmental. He doesn’t care about us. He only cares about himself and just wants to control us all the time. Fine, he can go ahead and kick us out of his stupid youth group. We don’t want to come anymore anyway! ”

In that scenario, rather than bonding with them, my our relationship would have been severed.

Case made!

So unless you have an animal or a toddler, let’s be careful to avoid immediate consequences and implement delayed consequences instead!

Oh the Places We Go! (when we feel hurt, frustrated, or upset by people).

November 18, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 2 Comments

In my work with people, I’ve observed that there are five places we go when when we are hurt, frustrated, or upset by others.

Three of these places make things worse, but the other two can bring a lot of healing, growth, and resolution. It’s vitally important to know where each destination leads.

I’ve written about two of the five before, but today, I want to expand my thoughts to include all the ways we might address our frustrations.

Here are the five places we go:

#1 THE WOODSHED. The first place we might take someone is to the proverbial woodshed. In bygone days when someone misbehaved, they would be removed from the house and taken out back to the woodshed to receive a “whoopin.'” The walk to the woodshed was a walk of shame, and whatever happened in there was not going to be pleasant.

When we are hurt or frustrated or upset with someone, it’s easy to take the woodshed approach, giving the person a verbal whoopin’ and calling him or her out for what we feel he or she has done to us. Yes, we’re being honest, of course, but honesty is not always the best policy. In the woodshed, we exclusively use “You-statements,” blaming-and-shaming the person who has infuriated us so much. There is no conversation in the woodshed.

The problem with this approach is that it causes added hurt (in response to hurt) and it doesn’t really accomplish anything, except perhaps the satisfaction of getting even. It certainly doesn’t result in relational transformation. When we perceive that someone is taking us to the woodshed, we naturally feel threatened and our natural impulse is to put our shields up, deflecting the incoming verbal missiles.

Physiologically, the amygdala in our brain senses the imminent danger of the woodshed, shuts down our logical “thinking” brain, and sends us immediately into “fight or flight” mode. In this frame of mind, we don’t listen, learn, or consider anything. We will either fight back to survive–saying things we rationally don’t really mean–or we’ll withdraw completely. Nothing good results from going to the woodshed!

#2. STUFF, ETC. We who are less confrontational by nature will often stuff our negative feelings rather than take someone to the woodshed. We have learned to endure mistreatment silently, believing that the cost of saying something is greater than the cost of remaining quiet. We may feel too timid to bring up our concerns or we may not feel that we deserve to speak up.

The problem with the Stuff, etc. destination is that unless we’re really good actors, our dissatisfaction will likely be perceptible anyway — maybe not through our words, but certainly through our attitudes, tone, body language, and demeanor. And even if we were to keep things stuffed for a long while, the pressure-cooker of pent up frustrations will eventually explode, taking us right back to the very place we were trying to avoid all along–the woodshed. And we know how that goes!

#3. THE HOUSE OF MIRRORS. Have you ever been to one of those old-fashioned carnival attractions called The House of Mirrors? It’s infuriating because it’s like a maze inside–glass walls and mirrors everywhere you look–and you don’t know which way leads toward the exit. It might seem fun at first, but before long, it can get very frustrating. As you go along, you bump your face into a lot of glass walls! Ouch!

This is exactly how some people handle their frustrations with others. True, they avoid the direct-assault approach of the woodshed and they aren’t stuffing their feelings completely, but this approach fails for different reasons.

Those of us who use the House of Mirrors approach communicate our frustration in ways that are indirect and unclear, dropping not-so-subtle hints about things we don’t like. Sarcasm is often used to make a point. Snide comments, little jabs, and “just kidding” jokes all hint at unexpressed dissatisfaction. Sometimes we play the victim, exuding a “poor me” attitude: “If only my wife would treat me respectfully like so-and-so’s.” Social media provides us a easy forum for expressing subtle complaints in the third person: “Why can’t teenagers these days be more respectful?” And sometimes we keep score, using measurements others don’t know they’re being critiqued on: “It’s been a whopping 31 days since you gave me a compliment!”

The House of Mirrors approach unfairly leaves the other person confused, insecure, shamed, and devalued–not the things that motivate people to change and grow. Instead it invites push-back and resistance.

#4. THE CLASSROOM. Unlike the three previous destinations, the classroom is a great place to take the person with whom you have frustration. While the woodshed strikes fear into one’s heart, the classroom is a positive place of learning, growing, discovery, and improving. In the classroom, we help the person learn what we are feeling and experiencing when we are around him or her.

Here are two important “classroom guidelines:”

First, it’s vitally important to avoid blame and shame in the classroom, so stay focused on what has been going on within you rather than what they’ve been doing wrong. This is the proper place for using “I-statements,” indeed, it’s very important to avoid “you-statements” all together, lest we risk turning the experiential classroom into a lecture hall. In my previous essay on the Classroom approach, I gave several examples of recommended phrases, but here’s one example of what you might say:

“I find myself getting defensive when I feel criticized and I don’t like that about myself. I want to share something with you that I think will help: it would help me to grow and change if you could try to educate me rather than confront me. I know that approach works better for me and I know it will draw us closer. I’d appreciate it so much if you could give it a try.”

In my experience, such a blame-free approach is often effective since the other person doesn’t feel attacked or threatened. Respectfully expressing your concerns ensures that his or her “thinking brain” will remain at the forefront, where reflection occurs. (Of course, you can’t guarantee how the other person will react, but in my view, the best chance for change occurs in the classroom.)

Second, don’t take the person to the classroom for every hurt and feeling that you experience. That would be unreasonable and overwhelming–your whole relationship might seem confined to the classroom! People need recess time! Instead, start with one hurt that is either the most significant, or that is reoccurring, or that is easy to solve. Tackle one at a time and then move on to the next. You’ll gain confidence and celebrate progress with each lesson learned in the syllabus of life!

So get in the habit of taking the person you’re frustrated with to the classroom instead of the other three places you might go. But there is one more place I want to mention.

#5. THE THRONE OF GOD. I mentioned this place last, not because it’s the least important — it is actually the most. I first wanted to present the various response options to interpersonal frustration, but now I want to propose that there are many times when it is best to say nothing at all, and simply bring the hurts and frustrations directly to God.

Thankfully, whenever we’re feeling neglected or misunderstood or mistreated, we [Christians] have a God who perfectly understands our situation. Jesus experienced more injustice, humiliation, and abuse than any of us ever will.

Although He doesn’t promise to spare us from pain, He promises to walk with us through our pain as a fellow-sufferer. God offers understanding, comfort, and healing when we are suffering. We are not alone.

Jesus also modeled a supernatural power to love his enemies (including us!) and He can give us that same supernatural strength to rise above whatever mistreatment we may encounter from others, not returning evil for evil, and actually blessing those who have wounded us. On the rare occasion when we do this, Scripture calls it “a gracious thing in the eyes of God.” (1 Peter 2:19-24).

¹⁹For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. ²⁰For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. ²¹For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. ²²He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. ²³When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. ²⁴He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

I especially love the phrase “entrusting himself to him who judges justly.” As often as we are able, let’s give it to God to deal with and get back to loving others the way He loves us.

The Throne of God is also the place for us to go to ask for God’s help in our time of trouble. We should pray for God to give us wisdom and to soften our hearts toward the ones who hurt us, and we can pray that God would open their hearts as well. This will accomplish as much as anything.

The summary is this: take your hurts to God first, and when we do feel the need to say something, let’s be careful to skip the Woodshed, Stuff Etc., and the House of Mirrors, and take them straight to the Classroom! Oh, the places you’ll go if you do this well!

“I-statements” sometimes backfire.

November 16, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 2 Comments

We counselors commonly encourage our clients to use “I-statements” rather than “you-statements.” I’ve taught this communication skill over the years as an effective way to express feelings while avoiding blaming the other person. For example, when frustrated, I should talk about how I’m feeling rather than what you’re doing wrong.

But I’ve realized lately that there are times when “I statements” actually cause more harm than good. In such cases, it’s better to use “you-statements.”

One such time is when making apologies. I’ve written a lot about apologies over the years, but it was only recently that I realized that I-statements make for poor apologies. We typically say something like this:

I was a jerk.
I forgot.
I should have been more sensitive.
I drank too much.
I was a terrible husband.
I didn’t control my temper.
I didn’t manage my time properly.
I didn’t listen like I should have.
I’m sorry.

At first glance, it seems that “calling myself out” like this equates to a good apology. Am I not being humble and contrite? Am I not taking responsibility for my bad behavior? Yes, but something crucial is missing in these statements.

What’s missing is you. Look how self-centered I am in each of the above apology statements. It’s all about me. The summary of it all is “Look how bad I am.” What’s missing is any mention of you–the victim of my mistreatment.

It would be better to center the apology around you.

You suffered disrespectful treatment when I was such a jerk to you.
You were inconvenienced when I forgot.
You were wounded by my insensitivity.
You were frightened and made to feel insecure by my alcohol misuse.
A wife deserves to be treated better by her husband.
Your dignity was insulted when I lost my temper.
You felt unheard and unimportant when I didn’t listen to you.
You deserve more than a simple “I’m sorry”.

In my counseling office, what I refer to as a “full-orbed apology” contains these six “you-centered” elements:

You were hurt in these specific ways (name them) by what I did.
I feel genuine remorse and am embarrassed by what I did to you.
If there’s any way I can make it up to you I will.
I have learned from this failure of mine what I need to change to care for you better
I commit to treating you better in the future as a result of my failure.
I’m indebted to you, and I hope in time, you will be able to forgive me.

So the next time you fail (and you will!) why not try you-statements instead of I-statements. My guess is that you’ll find it works much more effectively in repairing the damage you caused.

Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers.

October 7, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

I originally wrote this essay in 2011 when I was a youth pastor. As I read through it again recently, I was struck by how the passing of time has only deepened my conviction about these principles. In this revision, I’ve made a few minor tweaks. And, for those interested, I have added links to related essays I’ve written over the years.

Someone re-posted on Facebook a parenting article by John Piper that has caused me some reflection. The excellent piece was originally written in 1993 and is entitled, “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad” (I’ve pasted it below).

Families would certainly experience much harmony if teens would willfully choose to adopt these resolutions. However, a mistake would be for us parents to try to demand, manipulate, or coerce our kids to adhere to such a list. (The fact that the list was created by a parent–John Piper–rather than a conscience-stricken teenager makes it feel just a little coercive to me.) Just as love must be chosen, so must be our kids’ commitments. And like it or not, such things are largely out of our control.

The hidden danger of Piper’s list is that it might only serve to make parents frustrated with their kids’ shortcomings. It would be more useful for us to brainstorm about the kinds of commitments we might make to our teens–something over which we have total control!

If parents would take the first steps in committing to relate to our kids in a safe, respectful, nurturing way, I think the chances of our kids adopting a list like Piper’s would be high. So with that in mind, here’s my list of…

“Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers”.

Resolved: to influence you spiritually by devoting myself to knowing God more deeply and living authentically with integrity.
Resolved: to love God first and my spouse and you children second.
Resolved: to take responsibility to be your primary spiritual shepherd.
Resolved: to always tell you the truth, so you have reason to trust my leadership.
Resolved: not to allow work, recreation, or other involvements, to distract me from being a good parent.
Resolved: to always view you as a precious, yet temporary entrustment from God.
Resolved: to protect you, but not be overprotective or controlling.
Resolved: to continuously nudge you toward becoming a responsible adult, ultimately working myself out of a job.
Resolved: that my satisfaction in being a parent will not fulfill some detrimental sense of needing to feel needed.
Resolved: to gradually let go of you over time and avoid excessive hovering, rescuing, and clinging to you.
Resolved: to give you as much freedom and as many choices as you prove capable of handling, allowing you to learn from your failures.
Resolved: to always treat you with dignity and respect even if I disagree with some of your choices and values.
Resolved: to genuinely listen to you, seeking to understand your point of view.
Resolved: never to pressure you to fulfill my unachieved dreams nor to meet some unfulfilled need stemming from my own upbringing.
Resolved: to teach you many of the life skills that will help you function independently.
Resolved: to help you discover your God-given talents and skills and to invest in their development.
Resolved: to allow you to pursue your own suitable interests and hobbies.
Resolved: never to compare you to other people’s kids or pressure you to be a superkid.
Resolved: to help you prioritize your involvements, with the things of God taking priority over the things of the world.
Resolved: to invest generously in providing you opportunities for spiritual growth.
Resolved: to help you learn wise financial responsibility by giving you money to practice with.
Resolved: to speak honestly, straightforwardly, and privately to you about any concerns I have — avoiding sarcasm, inferences, subtle hints, nagging, overgeneralizations, labeling, venting and triangulation.
Resolved: never to intentionally embarrass you in front of others or slander you.
Resolved: to highlight publicly your good qualities as well as those of your generation.
Resolved: to major on the majors and minor on the minors.
Resolved: not to expect your very best all the time but rather that which is reasonable for the moment, knowing that no one (myself included) can give 100% simultaneously to every area of life.
Resolved: that my acceptance of you not be performance based, but rather grace oriented.
Resolved to allow you to fail, learn from your mistakes, and solve your own problems.
Resolved: to be consistent in my rules and disciplining.
Resolved: to treat you and your siblings individually according to your needs rather than equally, and to be ready to explain any apparent differences in treatment.
Resolved: to seriously consider your feedback about the fairness of my rules, chores, discipline, etc.
Resolved: to set family chores that are reasonable, based on everyone’s ability and availability.
Resolved: not to make arbitrary rules, but rather ones that are purposeful.
Resolved: to communicate the “why” behind things as often as possible.
Resolved: never to say “Because I said so.”
Resolved: to administer natural consequences that are appropriate to the offense, not arbitrary punishments that merely put you in your place or inflict pain.
Resolved: to never discipline you out of anger or when I’m emotionally dysregulated. I will give myself a time-out to cool down first.
Resolved: to encourage your successes and give you empathy for your failures.
Resolved: to say “Yes” every time I can and to only say “No” when necessary. And to avoid the asking “Why“.
Resolved: to treat you with the same respect that I expect from you, putting my requests of you in the form of polite questions as often as possible and use the imperative only when necessary.
Resolved: to say “Please” and “Thank You”, extending you the same courtesy I would request from you.
Resolved: never to use my power and authority in an authoritarian way and never to treat you like property or a household slave.
Resolved: to be willing to show remorse when I’m wrong and be quick to apologize when needed.
Resolved: to give you clear instructions on what I expect from you.
Resolved: to acknowledge the difficulties of being a teenager and love you unconditionally in the midst of them.
Resolved: to acknowledge your feelings even when they may not seem sensible to me.
Resolved: to call you by affectionate titles that are honoring and not embarrassing or derisive.
Resolved: never to pressure you to behave a certain way just to make me look good.
Resolved: to not need you for any selfish motive of mine.
Resolved: to try my best to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the best about you.
Resolved: that whenever you violate my trust I will work with you to find opportunities to rebuild my trust in you.
Resolved: to give 10 compliments for every criticism and that every criticism I do give is constructive.
Resolved: to encourage you to reach your potential, but not to withhold my love if you don’t.
Resolved: to believe in you.
Resolved to be a friend to you.

Mark

Here is Piper’s list, titled “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad.” Teens: there’s much wisdom here if you can accept it! He really describes what being a godly teen looks like in very practical ways.

Resolved: I will obey your instructions and do what I know you expect of me, even when it is not mentioned. I will not force you into repeated reminders, which I sometimes call nagging.

Resolved: I will not grumble or complain when I do my chores, but remember what a great thing it is to have a family and a home and clothes and food and running water and electric light and central heating in a world where millions of teenagers have none of these.

Resolved: When I think your demands are unfair, I will move to do them first, and after showing an obedient attitude, I will ask if we can talk. Then I will explain my side and try to understand yours.

Resolved: I will not stonewall you and give you the silent treatment, which I dislike when my friends do it to me. If I am depressed and want to be left alone, I will say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now. Can we talk later? I’m not mad; I just need to be alone.”

Resolved: When I do something wrong and let you down, I will apologize sincerely with words that you can hear. Something like: “Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t pick up the pile of clothes.”

Resolved: I will call you by affectionate family titles, like “mommy” or “daddy”, or “mom” or “dad”. And I won’t let other kids pressure me into calling you nothing, or calling you something disrespectful as though true affection were embarrassing or childish.

Resolved: I will say thank you again and again for the ordinary things you do for me. I will not take them for granted as though you were my slave.

Resolved: I will talk about my feelings. Both the positive ones (like happiness, pity, excitement, sympathy, etc.) and the negative ones (like anger, fear, grief, loneliness, discouragement, etc.). I will remember that unshared feelings lead to estrangement and coldness and even more loneliness and discouragement.

Resolved: I will laugh with the family and not at the family. I will especially laugh when my little brother or sister tells a simple joke with expectant excitement.

Resolved: I will give two compliments for every criticism. And every criticism will aim to help someone improve, not just belittle or cut down.

Resolved: I will enter into family devotions and treat Bible reading and prayer with respect and do my part to help others in the family enjoy them. When I don’t feel spiritually strong, I will pray about this as a personal need rather than pouring it on others as a glass of cold water. I will remember that confessed weakness knits hearts together.

Resolved: I will not return evil for evil or try to justify my meanness because somebody treated me meanly first.

Resolved: I will read my Bible and pray every day even if is only a verse and a brief call for help. I know that teens cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.

Resolved: I will come home at the time we agreed on. If something happens to stop me, I will call and explain and ask your guidance.

Resolved: I will greet our guests with courtesy and respect and try to make them glad they came.

Resolved: I will always tell the truth so that you can trust me and give me more and more freedom as I get older.

Pastor John
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/teenage-resolutions-for-mom-and-dad

Great Expectations

September 16, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 2 Comments

The other day, I had one of those rare epiphany moments that requires me to blog. I hope my experience impacts you as much as it did me.

It all began last week when Cindy surprised me by bringing home “something special for Mark,” this time it was a wonderful bag of plums, which she knows I really love.

The plums were a bit hard and needed to ripen up, and so–as is our custom– she put them in the fruit basket by the kitchen sink. In just a few days they would be perfect for eating! I could hardly wait.

A few days later, I was up just before dawn and went into the kitchen to grab some breakfast. In the dimness of the morning light, my eye set itself upon the basket and I suddenly remembered: Plums!

I grabbed one and gave it a little squeeze to be sure it wasn’t hard. It wasn’t! Joy! It was soft, perhaps a little too soft. But no matter. The sweet plum was soon to prove worth waiting for! It felt so good in my hand, which I raised with anticipation to my salivating lips. Standing in front of the kitchen window, looking out at the cresting sun, I took a giant bite…

And then I gagged. It was the most DISGUSTING thing I’d ever eaten. It tasted rancid, not at all sweet. I spewed it out of my mouth and into the sink’s garbage disposer, which–conveniently–was directly in front of me.

[Now those of you who know me, know that I don’t gag easily. I won many an “iron gut” competition in my day. As a youth pastor and world traveler, I’ve put my taste buds to the test. I’ve downed whole bottles of Tabasco sauce and lemon juice (together!) and have eaten pig intestines, cow eyeballs, 1000 year old eggs, live bee larvae, stinky tofu, durian, pigeon heads, roasted rat, and other cuts of meat which I hesitate to name publicly. They weren’t all pleasant, but I’m proud to say I kept them all down. So for this plum to make me convulse and instantly spit it out, shows how utterly repulsive it tasted.]

So here I was bent double at the kitchen sink, gagging and spitting all the rancid fruit from my mouth, all the while still holding the wretched fruit in my hand. And then my eye gazed upward. I looked at my hand–with the sunlight streaming in from the window–I suddenly saw that I was holding…

…a tomato.

In an instant, my nausea completely disappeared. What a moment ago had tasted putrid and disgusting, suddenly tasted delicious. It was a wonderful tomato from my garden (I had planted some special purple ones this year, about plum sized as you can see by the picture above).

I finished the tomato with great delight, sorry that I had spit out that first giant bite.

And that’s when I had my epiphany. Within just a few seconds, I had run the full range of emotions from utter disgust to elated delight. What made the difference? The fruit was the same, my taste buds were the same; the only thing that had changed were my expectations.

This is a perfect example of what in the counseling world is called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy): the idea that thoughts, perceptions, and expectations dramatically influence feelings, emotions and behaviors.

The lesson is this: if our expectations don’t line up with reality or truth, we are at risk of having adverse negative feelings and emotions like I did with my “plum.” Even my bodily reactions (gag reflex) were brought on by my false expectations.

Looking at it the other way may also be helpful: if I find myself experiencing adverse negative emotions, reactions, and bodily sensations, I would be wise to check to make sure my expectations, perceptions, and thoughts are based on truth.

Raising kids who can parent you

September 2, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

This past June, Cindy and I spent three weeks in China visiting our daughter, Lexi, who has lived there since 2020. She’s the band teacher at an English-speaking K-12 international school. We delighted to finally see her in her “natural habitat” as I jokingly called it.

She put us up in her donut-themed apartment, we got to fellowship with her wonderful teacher friends, and we explored the “village” where she lives (a little town of 7 million). During our last half of the trip she gave us a grand tour of scenic spots throughout central China. She flew us to Xi’an where we saw the astounding Terracotta Warriors and other cultural sites from the first Chinese dynasty. Then she transported us to Beijing on the bullet train, which traveled a whopping 200 mph. There, we toured Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City, Olympic Park, and our favorite, The Great Wall. On the train ride back to her “village,” she surprised us, having us deboard early, at the concentration camp where my running hero died–1924 Olympic medalist Eric Liddell, (he later became a missionary to China and was captured by the invading Japanese).

During the whole trip, Lexi paid for and took care of absolutely everything. We were impressed with how culturally and technologically adept she was. By tapping a few clicks on her phone she could call us a taxi (a “DiDi”) and it would usually arrive within two minutes. She’d wave her phone at QR codes to pay for literally everything. She’d routinely order groceries which would be waiting at the gate when we arrived. Here’s a classic example of her technological prowess: the day of the faculty talent show, she asked if I wanted to play my musical saw. I said I would except for two problems: I didn’t have a bow and I didn’t have a saw. Her school had a bow, she said, and after a few clicks on her phone, a new saw was delivered to her school literally 40 minutes later! Excuses gone, I played for the event!

Lexi fed us, transported us, housed us in hotels, fed us amazing food, took us all over: shopping, souveniring, to movie theaters, to an acrobatic show, cherry picking in the countryside, and even brought us to the Chinese version of the dollar store! At one point, it dawned on me that we were absolutely and utterly dependent on her. She was arranging and paying for everything and we had no responsibilities whatsoever. Without her, we would have been completely lost, helpless and vulnerable. She was the provider; we were the needy recipients. What a role reversal: we were the helpless children and she was the providing and protective parent.

And then, I thought, that’s exactly how it should be. I’ve written many times about the importance of teaching life skills to our kids. But I never before considered that my kids’ life skills might exceed my own. Come to think of it, they should! Someday, when I’m old and starting to lose mental or physical abilities, I’ll be glad to have kids who can make sure I’m being taken care of.

I got a taste of that in China.

People are precious

August 26, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 2 Comments

I conceptualized this essay 18 months ago, but recent events in our family have shown me that it’s time to flesh out my thoughts.

My view is that people are fundamentally precious. Genesis declares humans to be made in God’s image, after his likeness. In Ephesians 2, Paul declares us to be God’s workmanship, a masterpiece. As a kid in the 70s, I first learned this from a wall hanging in our church’s youth center: “God don’t make no junk!”

Our culture seems to have forgotten that people are precious. This is most clearly seen in politics, both by the politicians themselves as well as their ardent followers. The derogatory things people say about their political opponents simply astounds me. On both sides of the aisle, rarely is there any semblance of civility and decency toward one’s opponents. Rather than critique policies that are seen as harmful, political speeches are more often laden with ad hominin attacks on their opponent’s worth. I always found it ironic when politicians who defended the sanctity of life for the unborn, showed no sanctity toward the life of their full-grown opponents.

And of course, it’s not just politics; social media is replete with vile, derogatory comments toward disabled people, minorities, non-minorities, and pretty much any people category that can be named. Iowa’s record-breaking women’s basketball star is praised by many, but also relentlessly criticized and made sport of (pun intended). Our outrage culture encourages derogatory treatment of anyone who is different than me.

A neighbor once introduced his kids to me as his “brats,” right in front of them. He didn’t even give their names until I asked. Those kids will likely live up to the expectations of their dad’s self-fulfilling prophecy. How different this is from Psalm 127:3-5, which says:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

Sadly, kids are often seen not as precious, but as problems — and America’s declining birth rate reflects this view. Many people simply don’t want to be bothered with children. Today, I just watched the movie “The Forge,” which is about a lazy teenager, Isaiah, who learned responsibility after adults showed him the folly of his ways. But what I found troubling was that throughout the movie, Isaiah was treated as a problem child that needed reforming rather than as a precious person worth understanding and getting to know.

If there’s any place where a person should be seen as precious, it should be within the family. Yet sometimes this is where it’s most difficult. I do a lot of marriage and family counseling and this loss of preciousness is often at the core of family problems. I wrote recently that spouses can adopt “villainous views”” of each other, forgetting the preciousness they saw on their wedding day.

And lest you think I’m only calling out others, despite my convictions I don’t always treat everyone as precious. I was recently humbled about this very thing; a former youth group parent called me out for ignoring and devaluing her son over thirty years ago. She was right about my neglectful treatment. I was very embarrassed to be told this, but was glad for the opportunity to confess my sin to her. And it was a sobering reminder of how all of us can forget the preciousness of people and how hurtful that can be.

So what will help us improve our treatment of people? Here are five things that may help.

Straighten out your thinking. Are there people in your life that you’ve come to view as problems rather than as precious? Forsake that mindset. As a counselor I see dozens of hurting people every week, and when they walk in my office door, I aim to view them as precious and treat them that way. It is not a diagnosis that is walking in my door, it is fundamentally a precious person.
Separate behavior from personhood. To say that people are precious is not to say that people are always likeable and well-behaved. Being precious doesn’t mean being faultless. Scripture declares that when Adam fell, we all acquired a sin nature; the image of God in us has been tainted. But we can address bad behaviors while simultaneously treating the person as valuable. My neighbor would do well to avoid labeling his ill-behaved children by their bad behavior. Calling your kid a “lazy good-for-nothing” will likely 1. push him away from you, 2. reinforce these bad behavioral expectations, and 3. cause long-term damage to your child’s self-concept. Calling out bad behaviors and choices can be accomplished while still affirming their preciousness.
Serving badly behaving people helps people feel precious. I love the recorded historical account of the early church father named, Polycarp. When he was 86 years old, the Roman guards came to his house late at night to haul him off for execution (burning at the stake). But before going with them, “he gave orders that a table should be spread for them to eat and drink at that hour, as much as they desired.” What dignity he showed even to those who were sent to kill him!
Treating people as precious is the best way to get them to act precious. From a practical standpoint, if we want people to behave better, treating them as precious is more likely to produce change than treating them as villains.
Sometimes we don’t think about how precious people are until they are gone. That’s certainly how I feel about my 17-year-old niece Audrey, who struggles to receive love from others. I wish she could understand how precious she is to her family, friends, and most of all, to God. This post was a good reminder to me that I need to work on always treating her as precious no matter what. I miss you Audrey!

Two of my favorite words

May 25, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 0 Comments

Communication is an essential ingredient to healthy relationships. Today, I want to share two powerful words I added to my vocabulary decades ago that have kept my relationships healthy. I hope these two words will help you too.

But first, one word NOT to use.

When we use the word why with others it almost always backfires, resulting, not in connection, but rather in defensiveness, pushback, and negative interactions.

Billy, why are you always so disrespectful to me?
Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
Jake, why do you refuse to come right home after work?

There are at least two reasons to avoid why:

We often use why as an attack and not as an honest question. You can see this in the illustrations above. We might not be asking a real question–which is disingenuous–but instead might be declaring our conclusions, having already made assumptions about what’s going on.
For many of us, the word why is a “trigger word,” instantly making us feel we are under interrogation. Interrogation puts us in fight-or-flight mode and naturally makes us defensive. Why makes us feel like we’re on trial and being in the courtroom makes us anxious about being punished. And we’ll do just about anything to avoid punishment.

To avoid creating such a scenario, I suggest replacing why with two powerful words that I learned decades ago: observe and curious. Here’s how they would have worked in the above illustrations.

Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to help around the house. I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way.
Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room. I’m interested to know what is causing you to treat him that way.
Jake, I’ve noticed that you’ve been coming home later and later. I’m curious to understand what might be making you so slow about coming home after work.

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.

Observe and curious (or their equivalents) are not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding; they take us to the classroom, not the courtroom. When someone notices me and is curious about what’s going on with me I feel honored, not threatened.

OBSERVE simply states the facts we’ve perceived (without judgment).

CURIOUS shows our interest in understanding the other person.

Avoiding why and using these other words forces us to be honoring rather than suspicious. We’re suspending judgment, giving benefit of the doubt, gathering perspective, and demonstrating teachability. It shows that we’re interested in knowing the other person more than accusing them, condemning them, shaming them, or manipulating them. These words force us to delay judgment until after we’ve gained understanding first. They help build relational bridges of connection rather than walls of opposition.

In short, your life will be changed by replacing why with observe and curious.

Do I observe some skepticism about that? I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying!

[Note: in case you’re curious, this is a revision of a post I wrote back in 2007, and I’m as committed as ever to these powerful words!]

Why I ran 60 miles on my 60th birthday.

April 17, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

This past Monday was my 60th birthday, and as is my custom for milestone birthdays, I decided to run my age while raising money for a good cause!

Thanks to everyone who cheered me on during the day and to the crowd who came to see me run my final mile. It was a special treat to have my daughter Brenda and grandson Jimmy there at the end (see picture). They came all the way from Africa!

The iGYM was kind enough to host this birthday run of mine. (I’ve been a satisfied member there for seven years). I ran 5 miles on each of their 12 sturdy treadmills, totaling 60. I started at 4 am and God graciously gave me the strength to finish 15 hours later, just after 7 pm. I logged a total of 100,011 steps that day!

But it wasn’t easy. There were moments during the run when I wasn’t sure if I would be able to finish. At about mile 50 I was so weak and sore that I feared I couldn’t run another mile. The day after, Tuesday, I was so sore and swollen I could hardly move! Today (Wednesday) I’m still rather sore and it’s clear I’m going to lose at least one toenail. Ouch!!

So was it worth it?

Absolutely! I did all this because I want to raise donations for a new non-profit in the Cedar Rapids area called CareNetworkCR.

What is CareNetworkCR? It’s a ministry that makes churches more effective by networking them together to care for the needs of our community. We serve as a hub, connecting people with legitimate needs to area churches that are best equipped to meet those needs–materially, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

The CareNetwork ascertains the real needs of people and presents suitable churches with care plans that are verified, manageable, and unduplicated. Our motto perfectly describes what we do: Helping churches help people.

I’m so passionate about what the CareNetwork does that I joined the board and then they selected me to be their chairman!

At the end of this post, I’ll link to an interview I did where I describe how I first saw the need for this over 30 years ago (half of my lifetime)!

How did the Fundraiser do?

My goal was to raise $6,000 for the CareNetwork, which would be the equivalent of $100 for every mile I ran. As of today (Wed), we’ve raised $5,325.90, which is about 89% of the total. I’m hoping readers of my blog will want to pitch in and help bring the total over my goal.

How can you donate?

Either go to our our website at https://www.carenetworkcr.org/donate or visit our Facebook page, where you can also learn more about this important new ministry.

Thanks to those of you who already have donated, or who will support us in this great effort!

Mark

As promised, here’s the video interview I did where I describe how I first saw the need for this type of ministry over 30 years ago.

Something Special for Mark

March 3, 2024 / Mark Forstrom / 1 Comment

Our life improved when we got rid of the paper grocery list on our refrigerator and instead started sharing an online *Google Doc that we always can access from our phones. That way, when either of us might happen to be near a store, we’ll know what current things could be picked up there. On one simple page, we have running lists for things to get at Aldi, Walmart, Hy-Vee, the Dollar Tree, Menards, etc. Once purchased, we delete the items so the other spouse knows the items were obtained.

This has been such a blessing, preventing us from 1) being in a store trying to remember what it was that we had written down and 2) keeping us from each buying the same thing unknowingly.

One day, just as a joke, I wrote “Something Special for Mark” on the Aldi section of the list. Always good at following directions, Cindy added to her 25-cent “rented” cart some little treat she knew I’d enjoy. Even though it was intended as a joke, I was surprised at how much her thoughtfulness meant to me

And I noticed something else. Unlike the other items purchased that day, Cindy hadn’t deleted my joke from the shopping list. Almost automatically, I quickly added “Something Special for Cindy” on the list. And now, months later, those are the only two items that perpetually remain on our shopping list. Now, when either of us goes to the store, we instinctively look for something thoughtful that we know the other would enjoy.

It’s just a small thing, but it makes a big difference. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way! I recommend you put a surprise for your spouse on your shopping list!

(*I’m sure there are shopping list apps that do the same thing as our Google Doc without having to type and erase so much. If you have any recommendations, please put them in the comments!)

markforstrom.com

The Consequences of Using Immediate Consequences

Oh the Places We Go! (when we feel hurt, frustrated, or upset by people).

“I-statements” sometimes backfire.

Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers.

Great Expectations

Raising kids who can parent you

People are precious

Two of my favorite words

Why I ran 60 miles on my 60th birthday.

So was it worth it?

How did the Fundraiser do?

Something Special for Mark

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