markforstrom.com

My essays about healthy relationships with God, others, & yourself.

Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers.

October 7, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I originally wrote this essay in 2011 when I was a youth pastor.  As I read through it again recently, I was struck by how the passing of time has only deepened my conviction about these principles.   In this revision, I’ve made a few minor tweaks.  And, for those interested, I have added links to related essays I’ve written over the years.

Someone re-posted on Facebook a parenting article by John Piper that has caused me some reflection.  The excellent piece was originally written in 1993 and is entitled, “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad” (I’ve pasted it below).

Families would certainly experience much harmony if teens would willfully choose to adopt these resolutions. However, a mistake would be for us parents to try to demand, manipulate, or coerce our kids to adhere to such a list.  (The fact that the list was created by a parent–John Piper–rather than a conscience-stricken teenager makes it feel just a little coercive to me.)  Just as love must be chosen, so must be our kids’ commitments.  And like it or not, such things are largely out of our control.

The hidden danger of Piper’s list is that it might only serve to make parents frustrated with their kids’ shortcomings.  It would be more useful for us to brainstorm about the kinds of commitments we might make to our teens–something over which we have total control!

If parents would take the first steps in committing to relate to our kids in a safe, respectful, nurturing way, I think the chances of our kids adopting a list like Piper’s would be high.  So with that in mind, here’s my list of…

“Parent Resolutions: For Teenagers”.

  1. Resolved: to influence you spiritually by devoting myself to knowing God more deeply and living authentically with integrity.
  2. Resolved: to love God first and my spouse and you children second.
  3. Resolved: to take responsibility to be your primary spiritual shepherd.
  4. Resolved: to always tell you the truth, so you have reason to trust my leadership.
  5. Resolved: not to allow work, recreation, or other involvements, to distract me from being a good parent.
  6. Resolved: to always view you as a precious, yet temporary entrustment from God.
  7. Resolved: to protect you, but not be overprotective or controlling.
  8. Resolved: to continuously nudge you toward becoming a responsible adult, ultimately working myself out of a job.
  9. Resolved: that my satisfaction in being a parent will not fulfill some detrimental sense of needing to feel needed.
  10. Resolved: to gradually let go of you over time and avoid excessive hovering, rescuing, and clinging to you.
  11. Resolved: to give you as much freedom and as many choices as you prove capable of handling, allowing you to learn from your failures.
  12. Resolved: to always treat you with dignity and respect even if I disagree with some of your choices and values.
  13. Resolved: to genuinely listen to you, seeking to understand your point of view.
  14. Resolved: never to pressure you to fulfill my unachieved dreams nor to meet some unfulfilled need stemming from my own upbringing.
  15. Resolved: to teach you many of the life skills that will help you function independently.
  16. Resolved: to help you discover your God-given talents and skills and to invest in their development.
  17. Resolved: to allow you to pursue your own suitable interests and hobbies.
  18. Resolved: never to compare you to other people’s kids or pressure you to be a superkid.
  19. Resolved: to help you prioritize your involvements, with the things of God taking priority over the things of the world.
  20. Resolved: to invest generously in providing you opportunities for spiritual growth.
  21. Resolved: to help you learn wise financial responsibility by giving you money to practice with.
  22. Resolved: to speak honestly, straightforwardly, and privately to you about any concerns I have — avoiding sarcasm, inferences, subtle hints, nagging, overgeneralizations, labeling, venting and triangulation.
  23. Resolved: never to intentionally embarrass you in front of others or slander you.
  24. Resolved: to highlight publicly your good qualities as well as those of your generation.
  25. Resolved: to major on the majors and minor on the minors.
  26. Resolved: not to expect your very best all the time but rather that which is reasonable for the moment, knowing that  no one (myself included) can give 100% simultaneously to every area of life.
  27. Resolved: that my acceptance of you not be performance based, but rather grace oriented.
  28. Resolved to allow you to fail, learn from your mistakes, and solve your own problems.
  29. Resolved: to be consistent in my rules and disciplining.
  30. Resolved: to treat you and your siblings individually according to your needs rather than equally, and to be ready to explain any apparent differences in treatment.
  31. Resolved: to seriously consider your feedback about the fairness of my rules, chores, discipline, etc.
  32. Resolved: to set family chores that are reasonable, based on everyone’s ability and availability.
  33. Resolved: not to make arbitrary rules, but rather ones that are purposeful.
  34. Resolved: to communicate the “why” behind things as often as possible.
  35. Resolved: never to say “Because I said so.”
  36. Resolved: to administer natural consequences that are appropriate to the offense, not arbitrary punishments that merely put you in your place or inflict pain.
  37. Resolved: to never discipline you out of anger or when I’m emotionally dysregulated.  I will give myself a time-out to cool down first.
  38. Resolved: to encourage your successes and give you empathy for your failures.
  39. Resolved: to say “Yes” every time I can and to only say “No” when necessary.  And to avoid the asking “Why“.
  40. Resolved: to treat you with the same respect that I expect from you, putting my requests of you in the form of polite questions as often as possible and use the imperative only when necessary.
  41. Resolved: to say “Please” and “Thank You”, extending you the same courtesy I would request from you.
  42. Resolved: never to use my power and authority in an authoritarian way and never to treat you like property or a household slave.
  43. Resolved: to be willing to show remorse when I’m wrong and be quick to apologize when needed.
  44. Resolved: to give you clear instructions on what I expect from you.
  45. Resolved: to acknowledge the difficulties of being a teenager and love you unconditionally in the midst of them.
  46. Resolved: to acknowledge your feelings even when they may not seem sensible to me.
  47. Resolved: to call you by affectionate titles that are honoring and not embarrassing or derisive.
  48. Resolved: never to pressure you to behave a certain way just to make me look good.
  49. Resolved:  to not need you for any selfish motive of mine.
  50. Resolved: to try my best to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the best about you.
  51. Resolved: that whenever you violate my trust I will work with you to find opportunities to rebuild my trust in you.
  52. Resolved: to give 10 compliments for every criticism and that every criticism I do give is constructive.
  53. Resolved: to encourage you to reach your potential, but not to withhold my love if you don’t.
  54. Resolved: to believe in you.
  55. Resolved to be a friend to you.

Mark

Here is Piper’s list, titled “Teenage Resolutions: For Mom and Dad.”  Teens: there’s much wisdom here if you can accept it!  He really describes what being a godly teen looks like in very practical ways.

  • Resolved: I will obey your instructions and do what I know you expect of me, even when it is not mentioned. I will not force you into repeated reminders, which I sometimes call nagging.
  • Resolved: I will not grumble or complain when I do my chores, but remember what a great thing it is to have a family and a home and clothes and food and running water and electric light and central heating in a world where millions of teenagers have none of these.
  • Resolved: When I think your demands are unfair, I will move to do them first, and after showing an obedient attitude, I will ask if we can talk. Then I will explain my side and try to understand yours.
  • Resolved: I will not stonewall you and give you the silent treatment, which I dislike when my friends do it to me. If I am depressed and want to be left alone, I will say, “I’m sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now. Can we talk later? I’m not mad; I just need to be alone.”
  • Resolved: When I do something wrong and let you down, I will apologize sincerely with words that you can hear. Something like: “Mom, I’m sorry, I didn’t pick up the pile of clothes.”
  • Resolved: I will call you by affectionate family titles, like “mommy” or “daddy”, or “mom” or “dad”. And I won’t let other kids pressure me into calling you nothing, or calling you something disrespectful as though true affection were embarrassing or childish.
  • Resolved: I will say thank you again and again for the ordinary things you do for me. I will not take them for granted as though you were my slave.
  • Resolved: I will talk about my feelings. Both the positive ones (like happiness, pity, excitement, sympathy, etc.) and the negative ones (like anger, fear, grief, loneliness, discouragement, etc.). I will remember that unshared feelings lead to estrangement and coldness and even more loneliness and discouragement.
  • Resolved: I will laugh with the family and not at the family. I will especially laugh when my little brother or sister tells a simple joke with expectant excitement.
  • Resolved: I will give two compliments for every criticism. And every criticism will aim to help someone improve, not just belittle or cut down.
  • Resolved: I will enter into family devotions and treat Bible reading and prayer with respect and do my part to help others in the family enjoy them. When I don’t feel spiritually strong, I will pray about this as a personal need rather than pouring it on others as a glass of cold water. I will remember that confessed weakness knits hearts together.
  • Resolved: I will not return evil for evil or try to justify my meanness because somebody treated me meanly first.
  • Resolved: I will read my Bible and pray every day even if is only a verse and a brief call for help. I know that teens cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God.
  • Resolved: I will come home at the time we agreed on. If something happens to stop me, I will call and explain and ask your guidance.
  • Resolved: I will greet our guests with courtesy and respect and try to make them glad they came.
  • Resolved: I will always tell the truth so that you can trust me and give me more and more freedom as I get older.

Pastor John
By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/teenage-resolutions-for-mom-and-dad

Great Expectations

September 16, 2024 / / 0 Comments

The other day, I had one of those rare epiphany moments that requires me to blog.  I hope my experience impacts you as much as it did me.

It all began last week when Cindy surprised me by bringing home “something special for Mark,” this time it was a wonderful bag of plums, which she knows I really love.

The plums were a bit hard and needed to ripen up, and so–as is our custom– she put them in the fruit basket by the kitchen sink.  In just a few days they would be perfect for eating!  I could hardly wait.

A few days later, I was up just before dawn and went into the kitchen to grab some breakfast.  In the dimness of the morning light, my eye set itself upon the basket and I suddenly remembered:  Plums!

I grabbed one and gave it a little squeeze to be sure it wasn’t hard.  It wasn’t!  Joy!  It was soft, perhaps a little too soft.  But no matter.   The sweet plum was soon to prove worth waiting for!  It felt so good in my hand, which I raised with anticipation to my salivating lips.  Standing in front of the kitchen window, looking out at the cresting sun, I took a giant bite…

And then I gagged.  It was the most DISGUSTING thing I’d ever eaten.  It tasted rancid, not at all sweet.  I spewed it out of my mouth and into the sink’s garbage disposer, which–conveniently–was directly in front of me.

[Now those of you who know me, know that I don’t gag easily.  I won many an “iron gut” competition in my day.  As a youth pastor and world traveler, I’ve put my taste buds to the test.  I’ve downed whole bottles of Tabasco sauce and lemon juice (together!) and have eaten pig intestines, cow eyeballs, 1000 year old eggs, live bee larvae, stinky tofu, durian, pigeon heads, roasted rat, and other cuts of meat which I hesitate to name publicly.  They weren’t all pleasant, but I’m proud to say I kept them all down.  So for this plum to make me convulse and instantly spit it out, shows how utterly repulsive it tasted.]

So here I was bent double at the kitchen sink, gagging and spitting all the rancid fruit from my mouth, all the while still holding the wretched fruit in my hand.   And then my eye gazed upward.  I looked at my hand–with the sunlight streaming in from the window–I suddenly saw that I was holding…

…a tomato.

In an instant, my nausea completely disappeared.  What a moment ago had tasted putrid and disgusting, suddenly tasted delicious.  It was a wonderful tomato from my garden (I had planted some special purple ones this year, about plum sized as you can see by the picture above).

I finished the tomato with great delight, sorry that I had spit out that first giant bite.

And that’s when I had my epiphany.  Within just a few seconds, I had run the full range of emotions from utter disgust to elated delight.  What made the difference?  The fruit was the same, my taste buds were the same; the only thing that had changed were my expectations.

This is a perfect example of what in the counseling world is called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy): the idea that thoughts, perceptions, and expectations dramatically influence feelings, emotions and behaviors.

The lesson is this:  if our expectations don’t line up with reality or truth, we are at risk of having adverse negative feelings and emotions like I did with my “plum.”  Even my bodily reactions (gag reflex) were brought on by my false expectations.

Looking at it the other way may also be helpful:  if I find myself experiencing adverse negative emotions, reactions, and bodily sensations, I would be wise to check to make sure my expectations, perceptions, and thoughts are based on truth.

Raising kids who can parent you

September 2, 2024 / / 0 Comments

This past June, Cindy and I spent three weeks in China visiting our daughter, Lexi, who has lived there since 2020.  She’s the band teacher at an English-speaking K-12 international school.  We delighted to finally see her in her “natural habitat” as I jokingly called it.

She put us up in her donut-themed apartment, we got to fellowship with her wonderful teacher friends, and we explored the “village” where she lives (a little town of 7 million).  During our last half of the trip she gave us a grand tour of scenic spots throughout central China.  She flew us to Xi’an where we saw the astounding Terracotta Warriors and other cultural sites from the first Chinese dynasty.  Then she transported us to Beijing on the bullet train, which traveled a whopping 200 mph.  There, we toured Tiananmen Square, The Forbidden City, Olympic Park, and our favorite, The Great Wall.  On the train ride back to her “village,”  she surprised us, having us deboard early, at the concentration camp where my running hero died–1924 Olympic medalist Eric Liddell, (he later became a missionary to China and was captured by the invading Japanese). 

During the whole trip, Lexi paid for and took care of absolutely everything.   We were impressed with how culturally and technologically adept she was.  By tapping a few clicks on her phone she could call us a taxi  (a “DiDi”) and it would usually arrive within two minutes.  She’d wave her phone at QR codes to pay for literally everything.  She’d routinely order groceries which would be waiting at the gate when we arrived.   Here’s a classic example of her technological prowess:  the day of the faculty talent show, she asked if I wanted to play my musical saw.   I said I would except for two problems: I didn’t have a bow and I didn’t have a saw.  Her school had a bow, she said, and after a few clicks on her phone, a new saw was delivered to her school literally 40 minutes later!  Excuses gone, I played for the event!

Lexi fed us, transported us, housed us in hotels, fed us amazing food, took us all over:  shopping, souveniring, to movie theaters, to an acrobatic show, cherry picking in the countryside, and even brought us to the Chinese version of the dollar store!   At one point, it dawned on me that we were absolutely and utterly dependent on her.  She was arranging and paying for everything and we had no responsibilities whatsoever.  Without her, we would have been completely lost, helpless and vulnerable.  She was the provider; we were the needy recipients.  What a role reversal:  we were the helpless children and she was the providing and protective parent.

And then, I thought, that’s exactly how it should be.   I’ve written many times about the importance of teaching life skills to our kids.  But I never before considered that my kids’ life skills might exceed my own.  Come to think of it, they should!   Someday, when I’m old and starting to lose mental or physical abilities, I’ll be glad to have kids who can make sure I’m being taken care of.

I got a taste of that in China.

People are precious

August 26, 2024 / / 0 Comments

I conceptualized this essay 18 months ago, but recent events in our family have shown me that it’s time to flesh out my thoughts.

My view is that people are fundamentally precious.  Genesis declares humans to be made in God’s image, after his likeness.   In Ephesians 2, Paul declares us to be God’s workmanship, a masterpiece.   As a kid in the 70s, I first learned this from a wall hanging in our church’s youth center:  “God don’t make no junk!”

Our culture seems to have forgotten that people are precious.  This is most clearly seen in politics, both by the politicians themselves as well as their ardent followers.   The derogatory things people say about their political opponents simply astounds me.  On both sides of the aisle, rarely is there any semblance of civility and decency toward one’s opponents.  Rather than critique policies that are seen as harmful, political speeches are more often laden with ad hominin attacks on their opponent’s worth.   I always found it ironic when politicians who defended the sanctity of life for the unborn, showed no sanctity toward the life of their full-grown opponents.

And of course, it’s not just politics;  social media is replete with vile, derogatory comments toward disabled people, minorities, non-minorities, and pretty much any people category that can be named.  Iowa’s record-breaking women’s basketball star is praised by many, but also relentlessly criticized and made sport of (pun intended).   Our outrage culture encourages derogatory treatment of anyone who is different than me.

A neighbor once introduced his kids to me as his “brats,” right in front of them.  He didn’t even give their names until I asked.  Those kids will likely live up to the expectations of their dad’s self-fulfilling prophecy.   How different this is from Psalm 127:3-5, which says:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

Sadly, kids are often seen not as precious, but as problems — and America’s declining birth rate reflects this view.  Many people simply don’t want to be bothered with children.  Today, I just watched the movie “The Forge,” which is about a lazy teenager, Isaiah, who learned responsibility after adults showed him the folly of his ways.  But what I found troubling was that throughout the movie, Isaiah was treated as a problem child that needed reforming rather than as a precious person worth understanding and getting to know.

If there’s any place where a person should be seen as precious, it should be within the family.  Yet sometimes this is where it’s most difficult.  I do a lot of marriage and family counseling and this loss of preciousness is often at the core of family problems.  I wrote recently that spouses can adopt “villainous views”” of each other, forgetting the preciousness they saw on their wedding day.

And lest you think I’m only calling out others, despite my convictions I don’t always treat everyone as precious.  I was recently humbled about this very thing;  a former youth group parent called me out for ignoring and devaluing her son over thirty years ago.  She was right about my neglectful treatment.  I was very embarrassed to be told this, but was glad for the opportunity to confess my sin to her.  And it was a sobering reminder of how all of us can forget the preciousness of people and how hurtful that can be.

So what will help us improve our treatment of people?  Here are five things that may help.

  1. Straighten out your thinking.  Are there people in your life that you’ve come to view as problems rather than as precious?  Forsake that mindset.  As a counselor I see dozens of hurting people every week, and when they walk in my office door, I aim to view them as precious and treat them that way.  It is not a diagnosis that is walking in my door, it is fundamentally a precious person.
  2. Separate behavior from personhood.  To say that people are precious is not to say that people are always likeable and well-behaved.  Being precious doesn’t mean being faultless.  Scripture declares that when Adam fell, we all acquired a sin nature;  the image of God in us has been tainted.   But we can address bad behaviors while simultaneously treating the person as valuable.  My neighbor would do well to avoid labeling his ill-behaved children by their bad behavior.  Calling your kid a “lazy good-for-nothing” will likely 1. push him away from you, 2. reinforce these bad behavioral expectations, and 3. cause long-term damage to your child’s self-concept.  Calling out bad behaviors and choices can be accomplished while still affirming their preciousness.
  3. Serving badly behaving people helps people feel precious.  I love the recorded historical account of the early church father named, Polycarp.   When he was 86 years old, the Roman guards came to his house late at night to haul him off for execution (burning at the stake).  But before going with them, “he gave orders that a table should be spread for them to eat and drink at that hour, as much as they desired.”  What dignity he showed even to those who were sent to kill him!
  4. Treating people as precious is the best way to get them to act precious.  From a practical standpoint, if we want people to behave better, treating them as precious is more likely to produce change than treating them as villains.
  5. Sometimes we don’t think about how precious people are until they are gone.  That’s certainly how I feel about my 16-year-old niece Audrey, who lately has been prone to run away.   I wish she could see how precious she is to her family, friends, and most of all, to God.  This post was a good reminder to me that I need to work on always treating her as precious no matter what she does.  I miss you Audrey!

Two of my favorite words

May 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Communication is an essential ingredient to healthy relationships.  Today, I want to share two powerful words I added to my vocabulary decades ago that have kept my relationships healthy.  I hope these two words will help you too.

But first, one word NOT to use.

When we use the word why with others it almost always backfires, resulting, not in connection, but rather in defensiveness, pushback, and negative interactions.

  • Billy, why are you always so disrespectful to me?
  • Sally, why can’t you leave your brother alone?
  • Jake, why do you refuse to come right home after work?

There are at least two reasons to avoid why:

  • We often use why as an attack and not as an honest question.  You can see this in the illustrations above.  We might not be asking a real question–which is disingenuous–but instead might be declaring our conclusions, having already made assumptions about what’s going on.
  • For many of us, the word why is a “trigger word,” instantly making us feel we are under interrogation.   Interrogation puts us in fight-or-flight mode and naturally makes us defensive.  Why makes us feel like we’re on trial and being in the courtroom makes us anxious about being punished.  And we’ll do just about anything to avoid punishment.

To avoid creating such a scenario, I suggest replacing why with two powerful words that I learned decades ago:  observe and curious.    Here’s how they would have worked in the above illustrations.

  • Billy, I’ve observed you rolling your eyes and heaving a heavy sigh whenever I ask you to help around the house.  I’m curious, what is it about my request that is causing you to react in that way.
  • Sally, I’ve observed that when your brother comes into the room you often say unkind things to him until he cries and runs out of the room.  I’m interested to know what is causing you to treat him that way.
  • Jake, I’ve noticed that you’ve been coming home later and later.  I’m curious to understand what might be making you so slow about coming home after work.

Think of the significant and meaningful conversations that would inevitably result from each of those three scripts.

Observe and curious (or their equivalents) are not words of interrogation, they’re words of understanding; they take us to the classroom, not the courtroom.  When someone notices me and is curious about what’s going on with me I feel honored, not threatened.

OBSERVE simply states the facts we’ve perceived (without judgment).

CURIOUS  shows our interest in understanding the other person.

Avoiding why and using these other words forces us to be honoring rather than suspicious.  We’re suspending judgment, giving benefit of the doubt, gathering perspective, and demonstrating teachability.  It shows that we’re interested in knowing the other person more than accusing them, condemning them, shaming them, or manipulating them.  These words force us to delay judgment until after we’ve gained understanding first.  They help build relational bridges of connection rather than walls of opposition.

In short, your life will be changed by replacing why with observe and curious.

Do I observe some skepticism about that?  I’m curious to know what would prevent you from trying!

 

[Note: in case you’re curious, this is a revision of a post I wrote back in 2007, and I’m as committed as ever to these powerful words!]

Why I ran 60 miles on my 60th birthday.

April 17, 2024 / / 0 Comments

This past Monday was my 60th birthday, and as is my custom for milestone birthdays, I decided to run my age while raising money for a good cause!

Thanks to everyone who cheered me on during the day and to the crowd who came to see me run my final mile.  It was a special treat to have my daughter Brenda and grandson Jimmy there at the end (see picture).  They came all the way from Africa!

The iGYM was kind enough to host this birthday run of mine.  (I’ve been a satisfied member there for seven years).  I ran 5 miles on each of their 12 sturdy treadmills, totaling 60.   I started at 4 am and God graciously gave me the strength to finish 15 hours later,  just after 7 pm.  I logged a total of 100,011 steps that day!

But it wasn’t easy.  There were moments during the run when I wasn’t sure if I would be able to finish.  At about mile 50 I was so weak and sore that I feared I couldn’t run another mile.  The day after, Tuesday, I was so sore and swollen I could hardly move!  Today (Wednesday) I’m still rather sore and it’s clear I’m going to lose at least one toenail.  Ouch!!

So was it worth it?

Absolutely!  I did all this because I want to raise donations for a new non-profit in the Cedar Rapids area called CareNetworkCR.

What is CareNetworkCR?  It’s a ministry that makes churches more effective by networking them together to care for the needs of our community.  We serve as a hub, connecting people with legitimate needs to area churches that are best equipped to meet those needs–materially, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

The CareNetwork ascertains the real needs of people and presents suitable churches with care plans that are verified, manageable, and unduplicated.  Our motto perfectly describes what we do:  Helping churches help people.

I’m so passionate about what the CareNetwork does that I joined the board and then they selected me to be their chairman!

At the end of this post, I’ll link to an interview I did where I describe how I first saw the need for this over 30 years ago (half of my lifetime)!

How did the Fundraiser do?

My goal was to raise $6,000 for the CareNetwork, which would be the equivalent of $100 for every mile I ran.  As of today (Wed), we’ve raised $5,325.90, which is about 89% of the total.  I’m hoping readers of my blog will want to pitch in and help bring the total over my goal.

How can you donate?

Either go to our our website at https://www.carenetworkcr.org/donate or visit our Facebook page, where you can also learn more about this important new ministry.

Thanks to those of you who already have donated, or who will support us in this great effort!

Mark

 

As promised, here’s the video interview I did where I describe how I first saw the need for this type of ministry over 30 years ago.

Something Special for Mark

March 3, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Our life improved when we got rid of the paper grocery list on our refrigerator and instead started sharing an online *Google Doc that we always can access from our phones.  That way, when either of us might happen to be near a store, we’ll know what current things could be picked up there.  On one simple page, we have running lists for things to get at Aldi, Walmart, Hy-Vee, the Dollar Tree, Menards, etc.  Once purchased, we delete the items so the other spouse knows the items were obtained.

This has been such a blessing, preventing us from 1) being in a store trying to remember what it was that we had written down and 2) keeping us from each buying the same thing unknowingly.

One day, just as a joke, I wrote “Something Special for Mark” on the Aldi section of the list.  Always good at following directions, Cindy added to her 25-cent “rented”  cart some little treat she knew I’d enjoy.  Even though it was intended as a joke, I was surprised at how much her thoughtfulness meant to me

And I noticed something else.  Unlike the other items purchased that day, Cindy hadn’t deleted my joke from the shopping list.  Almost automatically, I quickly added “Something Special for Cindy” on the list.   And now, months later, those are the only two items that perpetually remain on our shopping list.  Now, when either of us goes to the store, we instinctively look for something thoughtful that we know the other would enjoy.

It’s just a small thing, but it makes a big difference.   A little thoughtfulness goes a long way!  I recommend you put a surprise for your spouse on your shopping list!

 

(*I’m sure there are shopping list apps that do the same thing as our Google Doc without having to type and erase so much.  If you have any recommendations, please put them in the comments!)

Critical Spouse Theory

February 25, 2024 / / 0 Comments

My wife, Cindy, and I were talking recently about obstacles to healthy marriages. One of the things we have observed happening in marriages today is the tendency to frame marriage problems using an Oppressed / Oppressor perspective.  Cindy brilliantly coined a phrase for this which I want to elaborate on today:  “Critical Spouse Theory.”

In this view, I am the Oppressed and my spouse is my Oppressor.   This approach is destructive to marriages on several levels.

First.  Both parties will inevitably declare themselves to be “the Oppressed.”  In a world where marriage is seen primarily as a means to one’s own personal happiness and fulfillment this resonates well.  Anything that blocks one’s personal fulfillment is obviously oppression!

As I said, both the husband and the wife will consider that they are the Oppressed and their spouse is the Oppressor–and they’ll have plenty of support to back their claims;  if they hop on TikToc or YouTube, they’ll find hundreds of ex-wives or ex-husbands, reinforcing this view that they don’t need to put up with such oppression from their spouse.

Second.  This way of looking at my spouse is overly simplistic.  It lumps her into the general category of Oppressor, discounting any of her good qualities.  In this worldview, there is no such thing as “partial oppression”–it’s an all-or-nothing approach.   I cannot see any of the good because I’m focusing only on the bad.

Third.  Once I apply this negative label of “My Oppressor,” I no longer look at my spouse as the precious person I fell in love with, but now I see her as my enemy.   This identity distortion will spoil every interaction between us.  I’m not talking to a decent human being so neither do I have to behave like one.

Fourth.  I develop the belief that Oppressors can’t change.  They can’t improve.  They’re not safe to be around.  I need only to protect myself.

Fifth.   This perspective, therefore, absolves me of responsibility.   The Oppressed gets a pass on moral culpability.  I hear this all the time in the counseling office.  “I don’t have to treat him decently until he stops Oppressing me.”  And of course, the culture will reinforce this.  The Oppressor is only capable of evil and the Oppressed is exempt from moral critique.

Sixth.   Things are unlikely to change for the better.  With this mindset, the only way for my oppression to end is for me to keep away from my Oppressor.  Divorce is the likely outcome.

Seventh.  Critical Spouse Theory doesn’t offer any hope for a healthy marriage.

Avoiding the Critical Spouse Theory worldview

Most of the essays I write on Christian marriage are the antidote to Critical Spouse Theory.   Here’s some links to several of them.

1.   We must recognize that Christian marriage must never be primarily about personal happiness and self fulfillment.  That is a consumer-based, commodifying basis of marriage.  A Christian marriage is not a contract, but rather a covenant.  Marriage isn’t a perpetual honeymoon, but it is rather a crucible for character-building, where we learn to be like Christ in how we relate in the most intimate of human relationships.   Marriage ought to be the context where we learn to love, serve, forgive, and grow toward one another, teaming up to provide a stable context for child-rearing.

2.  We must recognize that all of us are a mix of Oppressor and Oppressed.   It’s rarely one sided.  Our marital love fails.   We all hurt the ones we love.  We all fail to fully keep the wedding vows we made.

3.  We would do well to focus on our side of the equation–becoming less of an Oppressor.  Take responsibility for what you need to change about you. We must focus less on the other person’s faults.  Jesus taught to take the log out of our own eye before obsessing over the speck in someone else’s.

4.  We must get rid of the 50-50 mindset.  I’ll automatically see myself as the Oppressed when I think that I’m unfairly getting less than my fair share.

5.  We must remember that we don’t get a pass on loving our spouse even when we may feel Oppressed.

6. We remember that people can change, and we must give them that opportunity.  We should extend to others the same opportunity for growth and change that we would want ourselves.  To declare that someone can’t change is to deny God’s ability to transform a sinner into a saint.

 

One final word.  I’m not saying there aren’t actual cases of abuse in marriage–there are!  If you are in physical danger, call 911.  If your children are being abused, take them and get out.  Implement whatever boundaries are needed.  Yes, there are exceptional cases of abuse, but they are exactly that–exceptional.  Most of us just need to learn how to better respond to the ordinary challenges of marriage.

…and shockingly, I’m also Beloved.

January 29, 2024 / / 0 Comments

In my last post, I made the statement that at my core I am fundamentally flawed, a vile sinner, a wretch, even an addict.

Today, I’m going to make the exact opposite claim–that I am Beloved–precious, set apart, cherished, spotless–a Saint.

Sinner and Saint.  Addict and Beloved.  I’m a contradiction of terms!

I’m not the only one to observe this seeming contradiction.  Martin Luther used this Latin term to describe Christians:  “simul justus et peccator,” one who is simultaneously just (righteous) and a sinner.   This is possible only through a concept called the imputation of the righteousness of Christ.

R.C. Sproul explained it like this.

When God looks at [the Christian], He sees the merit of Christ. He has covered your nakedness. He has clothed you with the righteousness of Jesus. So that the moment you have faith, the righteousness of Christ is transferred to your account. And you are at one and the same time just…or righteous by Christ’s righteousness. But what else are you? You’re still a sinner. Christians still sin.

Before further unpacking these seemingly contradicting identities of the Christian, I need to explain two contrasting attributes of God: His Justice and Love…

  1. I have no problem with the doctrine of the Justice of God.  I would expect a Holy, Righteous God to display judgment toward every puny creature who insults His Holiness, just as I would have no qualms if you swatted a mosquito who offended you. 
  2. I find the wrath of God to be a very logical and rational belief.   The thing I find illogical is God’s Love. 
  3. Shockingly, God delights in loving His creation, even those who have insulted Him.  It’s easy to love the lovely, but love is most profound when it is applied to those who deserve it least, e.g., loving one’s enemies.  Such love for the unlovely is unexpected, counterintuitive, sensational, rare, and unnatural–indeed, God’s agape love is a supernatural kind of love.  I write about it a lot!  
  4. The obstacle is that our Just God can’t have a Love relationship with sinners until the sin barrier is removed. 
  5. This dilemma is solved in Christianity’s Gospel (i.e., “the good news”) message,  in which God sends Jesus to die on our behalf, satisfying the wrath of God required by his Justice and transferring to us the righteousness of Christ which enables us to experience His Love.

Back to our identity.  What I appreciate about Christianity is that I can readily admit what I know to be true–that I’m an imperfect, floundering,  undeserving, wretched sinner.  And yet–here’s the surprise–I’m loved anyway!  Despite me!  I deserve the wrath of His Justice, but Jesus took care of that so I can experience His Love, i.e., the riches of his kindness and grace!  Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.  All that’s required is faith.

A Sinner and a Saint!  A Christian mustn’t give up either of these labels.

  • If we view ourselves as Wretches-only, we will be self-loathing, living in a shame-based belief system where we are constantly being scorned for our deficiencies, never good enough, and never able to gain God’s approval–as if Jesus didn’t do enough.  Sadly, some people live this way–missing God’s grace, mercy, abundance, and joy.  They deny his Love.
  • However, if we view ourselves as Beloved-only, we ignore the reality of our sinfulness.  Such Christians view themselves as wonderfully awesome–as if God were lucky to have them on His team.  Their puffed-up pride puts them in the place of God, presumptuously expecting God to grant them whatever favors they demand from Him.  They deny his Justice.

It’s only through understanding that we are Wretched, Yet Loved Anyway, that we can live with a right view of His deity and our humanity.

So I’m ok living in contradiction with the terms Sinner/Saint or Wretched/Beloved.  On this side of heaven, I will struggle with sin, but even so, He continuously treats me as His Beloved.  He sees me as I am in Christ and as I will fully be one day, clothed with his righteousness.  And that makes me exceedingly and humbly grateful!

And it makes me want to be a little less wretched, loving Him back, not out of guilt, penance, or obligation, but solely out of profound, humble, gratitude.

I’m Mark and I’m an addict…

December 11, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I went to my first NA meeting a couple of days ago.   NA stands for Narcotics Anonymous, a 12-step program for those addicted to drugs.   The meeting opened with everyone introducing themselves around the circle, stating their name, followed by the words, “…and I’m an addict.”  In unison, the group members matter-of-factly responded, “Hi so-and-so.”

I was at this meeting because some of my counseling clients had suggested it would be good for me to see firsthand the value of groups like this as support systems for struggling people.  Unsurprisingly, I was the only one who said, “I’m not an addict,” when it was my turn.

That they were so quick to call themselves addicts was unsettling to me as I’ve always balked at labels like “addict.”  I would have rather they said, “I struggle with addiction,” (focusing on their behaviors) rather than calling themselves an “addict” (which speaks to their identity.)

But I’m starting to rethink my view on this.  Although many of them had been clean for a decade or more, these were people who had a clear understanding of their vulnerabilities and potential for relapse and were not afraid to admit their inherent weaknesses.  There was a palpable sense of humility in the room.  There was no judgment here; only knowing looks that communicated, “We’ve all been there, buddy.”  This was a group of flawed people who identified as such.  There was no pride, no condescension, no raised eyebrows.  In this room, everyone was on an equal plane.   Except me.   I wasn’t an addict.   Or so I thought.

But now after a couple of days of reflection, I realize that those precious people were on to something.  They had a more accurate view of their own nature than I did.  Because–truth be told–I am an addict too.

No, I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol or porn or sex or any of the standard vices we think of when we think of addiction.  But I am addicted to sin in its various forms.  I’m addicted to pride, ego, comfort, attention, acceptance, accomplishments, gluttony, extremeness, efficiency, productivity, and recognition.  In short, I’m addicted to myself.   Being a sinner is my identity; I’m not merely behaviorally challenged.

I’m so glad that my new NA friends helped me see that I’m also an addict.  I’m always at risk of acting out of my sinful nature; indeed, relapse is always a potential with me.  And, like my fellow addicts, I realize that my sin struggle will be lifelong, persisting until heaven.

“9 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: 10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed[a] thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”             

Luke 18:9-14 (ESV)

In this parable, Jesus points out that God forgives the one who humbly identified himself as a vile sinner, but not the “good” Pharisee, who merely focused on his proud behavior management.   My NA experience was like being in a room of humble, broken, tax collectors.

A final lesson learned from the addicts was that there is no chance of improvement on our own.  A foundational principle of NA, AA, or any 12-step program is that avoiding relapses requires the help of one’s “higher power.”

In my next post, I’ll explain my belief that the God of Christianity provides the only real solution for our sinful addiction to self.

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